Post Your jokes here

[tankie]

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off. "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blond attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

[tankie]

OK who gave the president my addy ,,,,,,,yella ????

President of Benin
To
Today at 3:24 PM
ICPC Benin From The House Of the Presidency.
E-Mail: ([email protected])
independent Corrupt Practices and Other Related Offenses
United Nations Approved Anti-fraud Unit
Code of Conduct Bureau against fraud, funds delay and
impersonation.
Head Office: Plot 802, Constitution Avenue
Zone A9 Central Area P.M.B 535, Cotonou-Benin

OUR Ref: ICPC/NG/FG/2014,

ATTN;

RE: APPROVED SETTLEMENT NOTICE FROM RPRESIDENT OF BENIN

Does it mean that you are no more interested of making the
claim of your outstanding fund US$10.5 Million of yours
which have successful channel to transfer and reflect into
your bank and up till this moment you have decided to remain
silent after I have personally took an Oath for you to
secure this fund.

With all due respect, if you really know that you are no
more interested of making this claim of your outstanding
fund of yours kindly update me now to cancel this Transfer
since your negative thought does not allow you to believe on
the reality' so send me a declaration letter stated that you
are no more interested of making this claim so that I will
cancel your transfer.

What makes you think that you will not secure your fund and
have Access of the fund as Beneficiary and you should know
that I have made everything possible for you, so kindly go
ahead now and send this Fee US$75 so that the "Ownership
Certificate" will be obtain to enable the Transfer
procurement payment slip submit to your bank authority for
confirmation of the fund into your bank account.

You are advice to send the US$75 by Money Gram or Western
Union as directed below and update me with the Attached Copy
of the payment Information for recorded as directed. I am at
your service because of your Funds transfer is ready which
you know that you have to appreciate the effort that Benin
new present Government made for you to secure your fund with
a copy of Transfer payment Slip to you for Handover.

Please do not delay to send this fee Today because this is a
last chance and final conclusion. Kindly do your best now to
send the Fee and update me immediately for congratulations.

Other details and Transfer procurement payment slip Sheet
will be forwarded to your Bank Authority as soon as you send
the Fee US$75 Today being Thursady and update me with
payment information satisfied that you will rejoice right
now.

On behalf of this Democratic Government of United States of
America (USA), I apologize for any delay you might have
encountered in receiving your Fund in the past.

By the virtue of law, you have to go now and make the
payment of the required Fee as directed Below to enable the
"Ownership Certificate" obtain and issue in your Name for
your Funds Transfer to be made immediately because this is
the time and moment you supposed to receiving of your
contract funds as Beneficiary.

I officially wait for the Attached Copy of Payment Transfer
Slip Information for Recorded of your Funds Transfer to be
made immediately.

The above money should be sent via MONEY GRAM OR WESTERN
UNION TRANSFER within 24 Hrs in favor of the smooth
confirmation of the funds of your Funds into your Bank
Account.

Receiver Name: Luck Anekwe
Country: Cotonou-Benin
City Cotonou
Test Question: Good
Test Answer: News
Amount: US$75

Thanks as am looking forward to ready your email with
payment details.

Yours Sincere
President of Republic of Benin, Dr Thomas Boni Yayi.(SFF,
GCRF)
Email: [email protected]

[Doktor]

[tankie]

At a clerk interview, the bank manager was enthused by the new applicant.
"Where did you attain your skills with figures?" asked the manager.
"Yale," the man replied.
Impressed, the manager responded, "When did you leave Yale?"
"Yust this Yanuary.

[Doktor]

Yeeez...

[tankie]

A Junior School pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.
“How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

[tankie]

The police have discovered a book containing the names of 20 other women Oscar Pistorious had planned on killing.
They've called it 'Shinless List'

[Doktor]

[tankie]

I scared the Postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

[tankie]

Yesterday I was at my local TESCO store buying a large
bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was
in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I
woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with
my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an
Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from TESCO. Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say

[tankie]

In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-
"Dear Lord, This has been a tough two or three years.
You've taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite musician Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.
My favourite singer Whitney Houston and
My favourite scientist Patrick Moore.


I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are , Obama ,David Cameron, Ed Miliband, Tony Blair, Nick Clegg, Ed Balls, Alex Salmond, Gordon Brown, John Bercow and Harriett Harman.

[tankie]

There are always two sides to every story

- the Presidents version.


The real story behind whatever you have heard
Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.
The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.
The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a bit funny.
By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.
It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.
Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his bum, which made him feel even worse.
By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.
He tried every door in the hallway and was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.
As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
The President fell to the floor in pain and as he was just about to pass out, Monica bent over him to listen for a heartbeat and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,
"Sack my cook."
And, that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

[tankie]

A man, checking out of his hotel, asked the clerk, "What's with that old Indian in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."
"Oh, that's Chief Forgetmenot. This hotel was built on Indian lands and part of the agreement is to allow him free use of the premises for the rest of his life."
"But what's with that name, Forgetmenot?"
"He's called that because of his phenomenal memory. Even at age 92, he can remember every detail of his life." The man decided to test the chie...f's memory.
"Excuse me, Chief. Can you remember what you had for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"
"Eggs," replied the chief, without a moment's hesitation. The man was impressed. Years later, he happened into the same hotel and was surprised to see Chief Forgetmenot sitting in the same chair in the lobby. As he headed for the elevator, he passed the Chief and gave a friendly hand up ,,, "How!"
The Chief replied,

"Scrambled.

[tankie]

I was on a plane to Switzerland with my wife.
Halfway through the flight, a man jumped out of his seat and pulled out a gun.
"This is a hijack!" he screamed. "If anyone makes a move, I'll kill 'em!"
My wife held my hand for comfort. I looked into her eyes, smiled, and then pushed her into the aisle.
The hijacker shot her in the head, before being wrestled to the ground by a couple of passengers.
Everyone on the plane looked at me in disbelief at what I had just done.
I said, "Before you ask, we were on our way to the Dignitas clinic for an assisted suicide, so I did us all a favour."
After a few moments silence, an air hostess said, "Well... I suppose her suffering is over now. Was she in a lot of pain?"
"No, she was fine," I replied. "I'm the one who's dying. I just wanted one last laugh before I go."

[Gun Grape]

Sounds legit:whome:

They got me.

Found this in my E-Mail today

Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division
FBI Headquarters in Washington, D.C.
Federal Bureau of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue,
NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001
Website: FBI — Homepage



We, office of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) hereby write to inform you that we caught a diplomatic lady called Mrs. Vernon Wallace at (John F Kennedy International Airport) here in New York with consignment box filed with united state dollars.

Meanwhile, base on our interview to the diplomat she said that the consignment box belongs to you, that she was sent to deliver the consignment box to your doorstep not knowing that the content of the box is money. The diplomat also said that her first transit in the state was at Cincinnati Northern Kentucky International Airport Ohio.

Now, the diplomat is under detention in our office (FBI) security, and we cannot release her until we carry out our proper investigation on how this huge amount of money managed to be yours before we will release her with the box. So, in this regards you are to reassure and prove to us that the money you are about to receive is legal by sending us the Award Ownership Certificate showing that the money is not illegal.

Note, that the Award Ownership Certificate must to be secured from the office of the senate president in Nigeria, because that is the only office that will issue you the original Award Ownership Certificate of this funds since it has been confirmed that the fund was originated from Nigeria.

You are advised to forward immediately the Award Ownership Certificate if you have it with you, but if you did not have it we will urge you to contact our representative in Nigeria bellow this message to help you secure the Award Ownership Certificate if at all you did not have it.

Name: Dr. Umudim Okporo
Email: [email protected]

Furthermore, we are giving you only but 3 working business days to forward the requested Award Ownership Certificate.

Please note that we shall get back to you after the 3 working business days, that if you didn’t come up with the certificate we shall confiscate the funds into World Bank account then charge you for money laundry, but if you forward the Award Ownership Certificate then we will release diplomat with your consignment box also gives you every back up on the money.

Thanks for your understanding and co-operation.

FBI Director
James B.Comey