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  • Originally posted by Julie View Post
    Facebook. :hug:
    sooooooooo thats where you seen it , did you manage to download n listen ?

    Comment


    • Chinese takeaway £12
      Petrol to pick it up £2
      Getting home and realising the twats have forgotten one of your containers:


      Rice less.

      Comment


      • My neighbor's kids won't stop screaming.

        I'm beginning to think I should give them back....
        Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

        Abusing Yellow is meant to be a labor of love, not something you sell to the highest bidder.

        Comment


        • Originally posted by bigross86 View Post
          My neighbor's kids won't stop screaming.

          I'm beginning to think I should give them back....
          You do know there are other forms of birth control.
          Removing a single turd from the cesspool doesn't make any difference.

          Comment


          • My email to Tata Docomo (mobile service provider)

            Hello from your ex-customer.

            I have always loved Docomo despite of it's poor reception, costly internet plans, weird customer care executives. They always sound drunk or dumb.
            I dare suggest you to get rid of help desk because it never helps at all - you're wasting a lot of money on their salaries.

            I was having problems with your internet service. Connection drops after every 40 mins then it takes 3 decades to connect again.
            I talked to customer executive and he told me (trolled me) to clear cookies - are you kidding? Browser cookies and history have nothing to do with data connection drops.
            I thank God - he's not a doctor - he'd have performed castration when somebody actually needed a heart bypass surgery.

            So I bought a new Reliance SIM card and pleased with their service, unlimited internet at just Rs 248 and connection never drops... more over they have cheap 3G plans.

            Long live Ambani and down with Tata.

            PS
            I don't use my doomed Docomo number any longer. If you want to reach me, call me on my shining new Reliance number - 095790*****.

            Yours no more sincerely,
            Happy to be an ex-customer,
            Abhishek.

            GOOD RIDDANCE! MAY YOU ROT IN HELL!

            Comment


            • Dictionary For Women's Personal Ads

              40-ish.............................................49
              Adventurous................ Slept with everyone
              Athletic..................................... No tits
              Average looking.................... Ugly
              Beautiful.......................... Pathological liar
              Contagious Smile................. Does a lot of pills
              Emotionally Secure...................... On medication
              Feminist.......................................... Fat
              Free spirit.................................... Junkie
              Friendship first......................... Former slut
              Fun......................................... Annoying
              New-Age............ Body hair in the wrong places
              Old-fashioned............................. No BJs
              Open-minded................................ Desperate
              Outgoing...................... Loud and Embarrassing
              Passionate............................... Sloppy drunk
              Professional.................................... Bitch
              Voluptuous.................................. Very Fat
              Large frame................................. Hugely Fat
              Wants Soul mate............................... Stalker

              WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
              1. Yes = No
              2. No = Yes
              3. Maybe = No
              4. We need = I want..
              5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
              6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
              7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
              8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
              9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
              10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
              about?

              MEN'S ENGLISH:
              1. I am hungry = I am hungry
              2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
              3. I am tired = I am tired
              4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
              5. I love you = Let's have sex now
              6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
              7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
              8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
              9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
              10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you


              swiped from F/B Julie lol

              Comment


              • Eric gets home late one night and Sarah, his wife, asks “Where the hell have you been?” Eric replies “I was out getting a tattoo!”

                “A tattoo”? She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

                “I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said proudly.

                “What the hell were you thinking”? She said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would a Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

                “Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

                Comment


                • LOL Tankie, speaking of accountants:

                  A WOMAN WALKS INTO AN ACCOUNTANT'S OFFICE AND TELLS HIM THAT SHE NEEDS TO FILE HER TAX RETURN. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks," What is your occupation?" "I'm a prostitute," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let us try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I ' m a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I raised 650 cocks last year." "Chicken Farmer it is."

                  Comment


                  • A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica .
                    They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when
                    they passed a small sandal shop.

                    From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners..! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
                    So the married couple walked in.

                    The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

                    Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he already was.

                    The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak..?'

                    The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

                    Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

                    As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before..!!

                    In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, pulled out his dick and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

                    The Jamaican shopkeeper began screaming: 'Wrong Feet honky mon, you got dem on de wrong feet..!

                    Comment


                    • A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
                      They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
                      The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
                      After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said,

                      "I'm not sure -


                      I think maybe she choked. :whome:

                      Comment


                      • A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

                        After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

                        The priest replies, 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man sleeping around with Prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

                        The drunk muttered in response, 'well, I'll be damned' and returned to his paper.

                        The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

                        The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. In the paper here it says that the Pope's got it.'

                        Comment


                        • Colonel , beware .

                          We call our son-in-law, the Exorcist. Every time he comes round, he rids us of all our spirits

                          Comment


                          • Pariiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii


                            An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

                            He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to a local ,
                            'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

                            Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

                            Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

                            Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

                            Kiwi (look of extreme shock)

                            Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

                            Dog: 'Yep'

                            Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

                            Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

                            Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

                            Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

                            Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think.'

                            Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

                            Horse: 'Cool'

                            Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

                            Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

                            Horse: 'Yep'

                            Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

                            Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements..'

                            Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

                            Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

                            Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a fucken liar.

                            Comment


                            • I absolutely luv that one ^^^...LMAO.

                              Comment


                              • But we've heard half of those before. Tankie, where's the new stuff?
                                Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

                                Abusing Yellow is meant to be a labor of love, not something you sell to the highest bidder.

                                Comment

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