Post Your jokes here

[Doktor]

Bluetooth on, but no wi-fi?

[DOR]

Talk is cheap in Hong Kong

[whatadoozie]

Has anyone ever read the book Open Kimono by Seymour Hare?

[tankie]

You are driving down the road in your 2 seater sports car on a
wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three
people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could
only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of
a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going
to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old
friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect
chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your
perfect mate again.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car
keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I
would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations.
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her
out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the
car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.



I just love happy endings.

[tankie]

I asked the wife if there was anything she was wanting for her birthday..
She said.,
"No Dear.,
Just get me something from The Body Shop.."

So I've just bought her the front nearside wing for a Ford Focus.....

No doubt it will be the wrong bloody colour!!.

[tankie]

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a tin of peas on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man.

"We're not welcome at Walmart anymore either

[tankie]

I love Halloween... seeing the looks on the kids faces as they bite into their toffee onion...

[tankie]

I was watching the news, with my blonde wife last night.There was a demonstration by some tree huggers, about the impact of wind farms on the countryside."Bloody idiots." I moaned.
My wife said, "Well I agree with them, I think it's cruel to farm wind, it should be left to roam free, as nature intended!!..

[cirrrocco]

Tankie, Miss your posts

A blonde walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "What do you have on tap?"
He replies, "Anheuser-Busch" (And-how's-your bush). She says, "Just fine. How's your penis?"

Two blondes are at work when one of them gets a delivery of a dozen roses from her boyfriend.
The blonde coworker notices that the blonde recipient doesn't seem too pleased about getting the roses.
"You know," says the coworker, "If I got a dozen long stem roses from a man, I would be very happy."
The other blonde replies, "Yeah, but now I have to spend half the night with my legs in the air."
"Why?" the coworker asks, "Can't you afford a vase?"



If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.



So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

[cirrrocco]

some more .

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit.
I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea.
So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me.
Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life.
Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.'
So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

[tankie]

I went to have an Indian warrior tattooed on my back today. After about half hour I said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand.


"The tattooist said "Give me chance mate, I've only just finished his turban

[cirrrocco]

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"And then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"And then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

[cirrrocco]

The priest in a small village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, ‘Has anybody got a cock?

All the men stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’

All the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’ t belong to them?’

Half the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?’

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.



----------


One night after a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:

"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."

[Officer of Engineers]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?" The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"

[cirrrocco]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?" The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"

^^^ awesome.