Post Your jokes here

[glyn]

Blair Hospital Visit

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of
patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness, and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my
airm."

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae
meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, Blair moves on to the
next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle"

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and
asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'














'No,' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit.'

[Amarnath]

Cover letters from Job seekers

Cover letter: "I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest convenience to discuss what I can do to your company."
That's what we're afraid of ...

*******************************

Resume: "It is my professional objective to obtain a position which allows me to make use of my commuter skills."
I think we can oblige.

*******************************

Weaknesses: "Suffer from prickly heat in summer."
Sounds uncomfortable.

*******************************

Cover letter: "Enclosed is my resume for your viewing pleasure."
We can hardly wait.

*******************************

Cover letter: "You are privileged to receive my resume."
We'll try not to let it go to our heads.

*******************************

Objective: "To mature in the field of human behavior."
Good luck with that.

*******************************

Experience: "10 years of experience in financail budgiting and transactions rigistering."
But limited experience with the spell-check function.

*******************************

Cover letter: "Please overlook my resume."
If you insist.

*******************************

Cover letter: "I'm submitting the attached copy of my resume for your consumption."
Yum.

*******************************

Skills: "Grate communication skills."
Yes, but can you talk and chop at the same time?

*******************************

Experience: "Responsibilities included recruiting, screening, interviewing and executing final candidates."
Seems kind of harsh ...

*******************************

Cover letter: "Salary demanded - $65,000."
Would you like that in small, unmarked bills?

*******************************

Strengths: "Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
Would that be Mozart or Beethoven?

*******************************

Education: "B.A. in Loberal Arts."
Did you minor in ear piercing?

*******************************

Cover letter: "I've updated my resume so it's more appalling to employers."
We're pretty shocked already ...

*******************************

Cover letter: "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."
Glad to hear it.

*******************************

Cover letter: "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
At these extremes, some things are best left unsaid.

[execrable]

Sorry if it's an old shaggy dog story

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking
her faithful aged poodle named "Cuddles", along for the company.
One lovely hot day, the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before
long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices
a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of
having lunch.

Namely poodle tasting lunch...

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing
some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with his back to the approaching big cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more
around here? I'm STILL HUNGRY"!!

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
of absolute terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly
had me for HIS lunch!"

Meanwhile up in a nearby tree, a monkey who had been watching the
whole scene figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade
it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard
with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey
soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal
for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here, monkey, hop on my back and come see what's going to happen
to that conniving canine"!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back and desperately thinks,
"What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog once again
sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them
yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.


"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me
another leopard! I'm still SO HUNGRY"!!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Moral of this story....?

Don't mess with old farts... age and treachery will always overcome
youth and skill! Bulls**t and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[glyn]

Yet another Irish joke! (Number 23,861,264)

Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"

"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly. "Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"

Then, warming to his theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?" "Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Well, Would Ya? Would Ya?"

The assistant said: "Well, no."

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. "And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?"

"What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well no, I probably wouldn't" conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?"

The assistant replied: "Because you're in Homebase."

[glyn]

Hmmm

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his willy after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your mistress find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your willy .
3) Or finding out your willy fits through your wedding ring.

[RustyBattleship]

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his willy after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your mistress find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your willy .
3) Or finding out your willy fits through your wedding ring.

Oh? It's not supposed to fit?

[ashkon]

Q: What's the difference between God and Bono?

A: God doesn't walk around Dublin thiking he's Bono.

[glyn]

Never be late!

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in
the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation
was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the
dinner. He was, unfortunately, delayed so the priest decided to say
his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the very first
confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible
place. The first person to enter my confessional told me he had stolen
a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie
his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled
from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal
drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went
on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed,
come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation
and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest
arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the
first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE

[JAD_333]

You can't please everybody

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people
who remarked it was a shame the old man
was walking and the boy was riding.


The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,
so they changed positions.


Then, later, they passed some people who remarked,
"What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."


So they then decided they'd both walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought
they were stupid to walk when they had a
decent donkey to ride.
So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people
who shamed them by saying how awful to
put such a load on a poor donkey.


The boy and man figured they were probably right,
so they decide to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge,
they lost their grip on the animal
and he fell into the river and drowned.


The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone,
you might as well...

Kiss your ass goodbye!
>
>

[gunnut]

The DOS 10 Commandments

1. I am thy DOS, thou shall have no OS before me, unless Bill Gates gets a cut of the profits therefrom.

2. Thy DOS is a character based, single user, single tasking, standalone operating system. Thou shall not attempt to make DOS network, multitask, or display a graphical user interface, for that would be a gross hack.

3. Thy hard disk shall never have more than 1024 sectors. You don't need that much space anyway.

4. Thy application program and data shall all fit in 640K of RAM. After all, it's ten times what you had on a CP/M machine. Keep holy this 640K of RAM, and clutter it not with device drivers, memory managers, or other things that might make thy computer useful.

5. Thou shall use the one true slash character to separate thy directory path. Thou shall learn and love this character, even though it appears on no typewriter keyboard, and is unfamiliar. Standardization on where that character is located on a computer keyboard is right out.

6. Thou shall edit and shuffle the sacred lines of CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT until DOS functions adequately for the likes of you. Giving up in disgust is not allowed.

7. Know in thy heart that DOS shall always maintain backward compatibility to the holy 2.0 version, blindly ignoring opportunities to become compatible with things created in the latter half of this century. But you can still run WordStar 1.0

8. Improve thy memory, for thou shall be required to remember that JD031792.LTR is the letter that you wrote to Jane Doe three years ago regarding the tax deductible contribution that you made to her organization. The IRS Auditor shall be impressed by thy memory as he stands over you demanding proof.

9. Pick carefully the names of thy directories, for renaming them shall be mighty difficult. While you're at it, don't try to relocate branches of the directory tree, either.

10. Learn well the Vulcan Nerve Pinch (ctrl-alt-del) for it shall be thy saviour on many an occasion. Believe in thy heart that everyone reboots their OS to solve problems that shouldn't occur in the first place.

[gunnut]

The Rules of Combat

1.If the enemy is in range, so are you.

2.Incoming fire has the right of way.

3.Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.

4.The easy way is always mined.

5.Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

6.Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

7.The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
1.When you're ready for them.
2.When you're not ready for them.

8.Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

9.If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

10.If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

11.Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

12.The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

13.When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

14.If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

15.When in doubt empty the magazine.

16.Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.

17.Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.

18.Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.

19.Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

20.A Purple Heart just proves that you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky
enough to survive.

21.Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

22.The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.

23.Five second fuses only last three seconds.

24.It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

[gunnut]

If I ever become an Evil Overlord:

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."

8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him.

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push".

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

16. One of my advisers will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

23. When I employ people as advisers, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

[gunnut]

ITS ALL IN THE NAME

A man was walking down the street and noticed a sign reading:

"Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry."

Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by an obviously Oriental man who identified himself as Hans Schmidt. "How come you have a name like that?" inquired the stranger.

The Oriental explained in very broken English that when he landed in America he was standing in the immigration line behind a German. When asked his name, the German replied, "Hans Schmidt." When the immigration official asked the Oriental his name, He replied,
"Sam Ting."

[gunnut]

If Edgar Allen Poe used a computer...

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With my fingers pale and trembling
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Timidly I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes.
What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

[gunnut]

I'm an equal opportunity offender.