Post Your jokes here

[Southie]

Chelsea Clinton was talking to a soldier and she asked him about fear. He said there were only 3 things he was afraid of - Osama, Obama and Yo Mama

[glyn]

Savings and Investment

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused
state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years,
with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and
other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in
a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going
through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was
unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that
paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were
financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly$1 million. Then she
showedhim certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth
over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest
depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him
for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her
savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his
voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would
have given you all my business!"

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!!

[glyn]

Listen, Why Don't You?

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour
of
our celebration of the Spirits of the Forest , you will be executed in
three
days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first
request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The
Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his
back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's
tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very
fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your
second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver
is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that
evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a
voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone
Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed
a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow." What is your
last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
horse....alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is
brought
to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver
by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, listen very carefully
for....the....last....time I said....."BRING POSSE"

[glyn]

Womens Issues

WOMEN'S' ISSUES


Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
border line irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is
in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes , pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.


"ESTROGEN ISSUES" 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the One Thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

[texasjohn]

The year 2006 summarized

Nuckin' Futs! The JibJab Year in Review | Funny Video Animation by JibJab

[glyn]

Outsourcing Jobs

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency
June 28, 2007 : Washington, DC (AP) --

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United
States of America will be outsourced to India as of July 1, 2007. The
move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly
salary, and also a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and
related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years. "We
believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge."
stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive
on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay." Reynolds noted .

Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination.
Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will assume the
office of President as of July 1, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the
United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara
Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a
salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other
benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job
responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference
between the US and India , he will be working primarily at night, when
few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will
allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated
Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position.
I always hoped I would be President."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be
fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this
should not be a problem as President Bush was not familiar with the
issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable
him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned
responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand
the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work,"
stated the spokesperson. " President Bush has used them successfully for
years."

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his
final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will
be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he
will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will
exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement
services of Manpower,Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his
upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have
difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical or
successful work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was
suggested due to Bush' s extensive experience shaking hands, as well as
his special smile. "We are confident that he will find something he can do
to remove himself from the ranks of the unemployed.

My tin hat is on as I am expecting incoming fire!

[sappersgt]

by glyn
My tin hat is on as I am expecting incoming fire!

As well you should be. The President should be entitled to more than $400 a week in unemployment compensation.;)

[texasjohn]

As well you should be. The President should be entitled to more than $400 a week in unemployment compensation.;)

OK, George Wahington just went back to Mount Vernon after being president.

But in light of the cost of living nowadays, how about:

1. 2 cars in the drive way

2. Apple pie

AND

3. The ho next door ( in Clinton's case)

Plus $500 a week pocket money.

Fair enough?

[glyn]

Pay Back

PAY BACK TIME.....

The next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to
consider this...
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue,
and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel
and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get
back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk
hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells
the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth
$350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man
insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were
available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and
you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they
could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best
entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the
Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the
man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised
when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made
out for $50."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my
wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

[Canmoore]

One sunny day, Superman was flying through the sky, high over Metropolis. With his super vision, he looked down to a roof top and saw Superwoman tanning completely naked, lying spread eagle.

"Hmm?" Though Superman, "I bet that I could fly down there, screw Superwoman than fly back up hear so fast that she wouldn't even know what happened!"

So Superman, in the blink of an eye flew down as fast as he could, banged Superwoman than flew back up into the sky.

"What the hell was that?" Superwoman said

"I don't know, but my ass really hurts" Said the Invisible boy.

[cirrrocco]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour
of
our celebration of the Spirits of the Forest , you will be executed in
three
days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first
request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The
Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his
back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's
tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very
fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your
second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver
is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that
evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a
voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone
Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed
a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow." What is your
last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
horse....alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is
brought
to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver
by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, listen very carefully
for....the....last....time I said....."BRING POSSE"

that was 'posseliously' funny!!!

[glyn]

Redneck Church

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the finance committee

refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of

the members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they

learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish,

and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd

like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women

stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season

is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church

requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never

been in a hole it couldn't get out of." (Love it!)

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the

"OK Chorale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500

members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as

"branding".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ

set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is

what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2

galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were

donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are

really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a bell, you are

called to service by a duck call.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife

drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is

Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet"

applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the

benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear!"

[glyn]

It is important to be polite to ones wife at all times.

Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly
dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it
off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

( I love this part....)

"Only when he's been drinking."

[tankie]

A guy was walking past a curio shop in Liverpool , and decided to look inside , where he saw a lifesize bronze rat , He asked the price and the guy said its £100 for the story and £ 10.00 for the rat , the guy says , i,ll take it , but not the story ,, ok says the guy here ya go ,, while walking down the street he notices a few rats starting to follow him , so he speeds up , ten minutes later there are thousands , he starts to run faster , then there a millions chasing him ,, as he passes a river he threw the rat in and all the real rats dived in after it and drowned ? whereupon the man went back to the shop , and the owner gave him an all knowing look and said aahhhh you have come back for the story then ????


No he says , i was wondering if you had a bronze muslim radical cleric,, or a puff ,, or a manchester united supporter , failing that , anything French will do

[glyn]

Harry the Eagle

Did you know that Eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the Eagle waited
at the nest for Mary his darling bride of 10 glorious years. He went looking and
found her. She had been shot.Dead!

Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning he decided that
he must get himself another mate. But he just might like to cross the
feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.

He found a lovely DOVE and brought her back to the nest. The sex was OK
but all the DOVE would say is I am a DOVE I want to Love!
I am a DOVE I want to love!
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the Dove out of the nest and
flew off once more to find a mate. He found a very sexy LOON and brought
her back to the nest, again the sex was great, but all the LOON would say is,
I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON I want to spoon!
Egads, out with the LOON.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous DUCK,
so he brought the DUCK back to the nest. Again the sex was great, but all
the DUCK would say was...well ..... you know ......

Scroll down.











No ...... the DUCK didn't say that!!!!! What an awful thing to think!













Scroll a little further















The Duck said, I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE!