Post Your jokes here

[JAD_333]

This has been emailed to me twice, so maybe it's been around already. What the hell...it's worth a 2nd read. I didn't know whether to post here or on the thread with the atheist talk. Dedicated to dale.


HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[glyn]

Never Give Up!

If at first you don't succeed............

JAIPUR, India (Reuters):


A 73-year-old Indian farmer who vowed not to marry before passing his high school exams has failed to get through for the 38th time.

Charan Yadav has been taking the exams -- normally given to schoolchildren at the age of 15 -- every year since 1969, without success. He was in his 30s when he first decided to better himself through education.

This year, he failed everything except Sanskrit, scoring only 103 out of a possible 600 points.

He said he found mathematics especially hard, blaming the subject for dragging down his score.

"Once I pass I want to get married to a girl who's under 30," Yadav, who lives alone in Kohari village in the western desert state of Rajasthan, told Reuters.

He is now revising for his 39th attempt next year.

[speedlover1994]

JAD_333 sir, excellent. I've never seen that before, but that was hilarious. Do we know if he got credit for the extra credit?

[glyn]

True Texan Compassion

A very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge outside San
Antonio one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young
man ‘Fixin' to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said,
"Please don't jump! Think of your dear mother and father!"

"Mom and Dad are both dead," he said sadly, then turned back toward his
doom. "I'm going to jump!"

"Wait!" she said. "Think of your wife and children!"

"My wife left me," he replied, "and I don't have any kids."

"Well, then," she said, grasping at straws, "think of The Alamo!"

He replied, "What's the Alamo?"

"Well bless your heart," she said. "Just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass
Yankee!"

[glyn]

This has been emailed to me twice, so maybe it's been around already. What the hell...it's worth a 2nd read. I didn't know whether to post here or on the thread with the atheist talk. Dedicated to dale.


HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

JAD 333, I'm not trying to put you down ('onest, guv!) but when I first saw this it was in the 1980s and long before I had a computer. At that time it was (allegedly) from Cambridge (UK) university. Each time I have seen it since it has altered in some of the details, especially the location of the university. No doubt you will see the same over the coming years:)

[glyn]

Rectal Orifice

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on
"Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row
and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an
orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

[wkllaw]

This is something I found on a speech by someone running for governor of Tokyo in 2007. He actually got 15,000 votes. He is a total nut and I find this real hilarious.

Governor of Tokyo candidate Independent Candidate Toyama Koichi age 36
Starting as anti-administrative Education activist then becoming an anti-establishment extreme left wing activist. He was imprisoned for 2 years for political crimes. He is an anti-establishment intellectual. The following is Mr.Toyama Koichi's political broadcast.

To all voters! I am Toyama Koichi
Gentlemen! This nation is horrible
I have no interest whatsoever with political reform or any kind of reform
Nothing will be solved by reforming or changing anything.
We are no longer in such a optimistic state!
We must abandon this detestable nation.
This nation must be destroyed!
I do not have a single constructive proposal!
The only thing we must do now is "scrap and scrap"
annihilate anything that exists!
Gentlemen! I despise each and everyone of you.
The people who have supported this worthless nation is, this system is YOU
To be precise
The majority of the people who are watching this are my sworn enemies
I am calling upon the minority of you people
To the minority of the people
We must unite and rise up immediately!
The majority of the people do what they want with us.
But, now, finally, a world where we the minority will not be easily oppressed is being constructed.
The people of the minority!
If you think you can change something by voting, you are COMPLETELY wrong
An election is a festival for the majority!
There is nothing as idiotic as an election to us minority people
If you choose by majority vote, of course majority wins!
You probably wonder why I'm in the election then
Because that story will be long
Please look at my posters on the political bulletins
There are 2 types of posters, so be sure to read both
I... can no longer tolerate the oppression of this nation's minority!
To the people of the minority!
There is no way we can persuade the majority!
The people of the majority will under no circumstances listen to our voices!
A f**ked up nation like this, where the majority rules ...
has no other option, but to be destroyed!
NO MATTER HOW MUCH REFORM IS DONE THERE IS NO HOPE!
Every single one of the political reforms being proposed presently...
are all reforms of the majority of the people!
We the minority...
obviously will not support or anticipate the results for any of these reforms.
We the minority no longer askanything from such a nation.
We the minority only have one option left
TO OBLITERATE THIS NATION.
To be completely honest...
THE ONLY PATH IS TO OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT!
I speak to the people of the minority!
Let us use my broadcast asan opportunity...
To further our ferocious, terrifying plans of overthrowing the government.
There is information on how to contact me on the posters
I do not care if you contact me before or after the elections.
Please give me a phone call.
Of course, I don not care if you are underage and do not have voting rights
or if you live outside the city of Tokyo.
Elections never had anything to do with us minority.
I have one thing to state just in case
If I get elected...
They will be terrified
I myself will be terrified
Give Toyama Koichi 1 spiteful malicious vote
Give Toyama Koichi 1 desperate vote
If not, then don't go vote!
Nothing will be changed through elections anywaysa!

That was Toyama koichi's political broadcast

[Simullacrum]

My wife Mary is fond of saying that my last words on this
earth will be something like, "hey hold my beer and watch this"!

Well, I have outdone myself once again. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Sheels that
tickled my fancy.

(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.)

I bought something really cool for Mary. The occasion was
our 30 something anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized
Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this
product, it is less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal! prongs designed to
incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
Easy to use, you simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-necked geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're
truly missing out {way too cool!}.

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (I don't
need no stinkin' directions maps either, its a guy thing), I found that
this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How
disappointing! I do love fire fo! r effect.

I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed
it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs what I was so looking forward to. So I did. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, but I have yet to explain to Mary what that burn spot is on the surface of her stainless cooking top . Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my dog The Pipster looking on
intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Pippi for a fraction of a second and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet dog, after all. But, if I was going to give
this thing to Mary to protect hers! elf against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that?
Seemed reasonable to me at the time?

So there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, Tazer in another. The thing said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient the assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy bitsy, triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
my best. I'm sitting there alone (Pippi looking on with her head cocked
to one side as! to say, "don't do it buddy,)" thinking that a one-second
burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound,
rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?)
So I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. Note: You know, a bad decision in like hindsight-always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that? I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front
door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me over and
over again. I Vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.
The Pipster was standing over me making growling sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"

*(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a
Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself, you're not going to let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both ***** were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran
away. I'm offering a reward. Miss 'em.! Sure would like to get 'em back.

Warning. Do not try this at home.

[glyn]

Don't send your wife!

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he
sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she
was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"

Walt replied, "That's silver and it costs $300." "My goodness that
sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy,
and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot

[ashkon]

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy cat.

One kid says "My dad is so scared that when there's a thunder storm, he hides under the bed!."

The other kid replies " My dad is so scared that when my mum works nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door!."

[ashkon]

The drunk

A man came home drunk one night at four in the morning,his wife was all over him,yelling at him,accusing him of being with another woman.

" No, no honey!" replies the man,"I was at this bar and it was amazing,they had these urinals made out of gold!."

His wife, not believing him, decided to ring the bar. "Hello bartender, apparently my husband was at your bar tonight, um..do you have urinals made of gold?"

Bartender says "Hey Clarence, i think i found out who pissed in your saxophone!"

[taygone]

The two Tomcats.
Two cats were walking by the train tracks one day. The first cat asks the other what should he do about his girlfriend. The sex with her is well... like a hell cat in bed. The other cat groans as his buddy is becoming P*ssy whipped. The first tomcat is raving on how good he's got it and just then a train comes charging down the tracks and the first cat realizes part of his tail is on the tracks. Worried he turns around to save his tail and the train cuts his head off.

The morale of the story. Don't lose your head over a peice of tail.

[glyn]

Pay Your Bills!

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He
knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to
touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to
his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.

>Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange
for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him
1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the
scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a
little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after
she dressed the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being
summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio
informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied
for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown
that only the saliva of Nick would work as an antidote to cure the itch.



The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the
antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the
next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and
magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left
satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio
demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now
satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio
could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to
get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your bills.

[glyn]

Phone Calls

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:

"I'm afraid he died last week. " she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this
time the wife is getting upset and shouts:


"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO
YOU KEEP CALLING?"


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" Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . . . "

[BD1]

shamelessly robbed it from another forum , but itīs good....

GEN. OBI-WAN KENOBI
DUNE SEA REGION
TATOOINE
OUTER RIM

ATTN: FRIEND,

COMPLIMENT OF THE DAY TO YOU. I WISH TO EXTEND THIS MUTUAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL TO YOU WITH THE HOPE THAT YOU WILL GLADLY ACCEPT. I AM AN IMPERIAL SENATOR AND DEPOSED PRINCESS OF THE OLD REPUBLIC. IN THE COURSE OF DISCHARGING MY AMBASSADORIAL DUTY LAST YEAR, I DISCOVERED THAT SOME GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS IN THE EMPIRE, WHICH REGIME HAS CONTROLLED THE GALAXY WITH AN IRON FIST, COMMITTED SOME FISCAL IRREGULARITIES DURING THE DEVELOP OF AN ENORMOUS NEW MOON-SHAPED SPACE STATION WITH TERRIFYING DESTRUCTIVE POTENTIAL. WHAT INTERESTS ME MUCH, AND FOR WHICH REASON I AM WRITING YOU, IS THE CONTRACT FOR THIS PARTICULAR SPACE STATION, WHICH WAS AWARDED TO A CONTRACTOR NAMED GRAND MOFF TARKIN, WAS OVER-ESTIMATED BY THE TUNE OF ALD$25 MILLION, OR 38 MILLION GALACTIC CREDITS. THIS CONTRACT HAS BEEN COMPLETED AND COMMISSIONED AND THE CONTRACTOR FULLY PAID, BUT THE 38M CREDITS OVER ESTIMATED VALUE OF THE CONTRACT IS STILL LYING AT THE CENTRAL BANK OF DANTOOINE.

BECAUSE OF THE HASTE WITH WHICH THE EMPEROR’S SITH LORD, VADER, TOOK OVER THE SPACE STATION PROJECT, THERE WAS NO CHANCE TO COLLECT THIS MONEY BEFORE THE STATION BEGAN ITS MISSION OF TERRORIZING SMALL PLANETS INTO SUBMITTING TO THE WILL OF THE EMPIRE. BUT AS A RESULT OF UPDATED PAYMENTS ADVICE AT THE CENTRAL BANK OF DANTOOINE (CBD), IT HAS BEEN AWAITING TRANSFER TO A FOREIGN ACCOUNT.

HAVING DONE ALL THE NECESSARY GROUND WORK, THIS MONEY IS IN NOW MY POSSESSION AND I AM LOOKING FORWARD FOR A TRUST-WORTHY PERSON INTO WHOSE PRIVATE OR COMPANY'S ACCOUNT THIS MONEY WILL BE TRANSFERRED INTO. I WISH TO LEAD A REBEL ALLIANCE AFTER THIS TRANSACTION AND FIGHT THE EVIL EMPIRE WHICH HAS HELD OUR PEOPLE IN ITS DEADLY GRIP FOR DECADES. YOU ARE THEREFORE REQUESTED TO KINDLY ALLOW ME TO TRANSFER THIS MONEY INTO YOUR ACCOUNT SO THAT I CAN WITHDRAW THIS MONEY WHEN I WANT TO. UPON THE TRANSFER OF THIS MONEY, 65% OF THE TOTAL SUM WILL BE FOR ME AND MY COLLEAGUES TO BUILD AND ARM REBEL BASES, WHILE 30% SHALL BE FOR YOU THE ACCOUNT OWNER AND THE REMAINING 5% SHALL BE SET ASIDE TO REFUND EXPENSES (SUCH AS HIRING MERCENARY SHIPS FOR INTERSTELLAR TRAVEL) MADE IN THE COURSE OF THIS TRANSACTION. BE ASSURED THAT THIS BUSINESS IS RISK-FREE BUT THE KEYWORD IS THE CONFIDENTIALITY DUE TO THE NATURE OF THE TRANSACTION AND MY POSITION AS AMBASSADOR.

KINDLY TREAT AS URGENT AND CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY THROUGH THIS LITTLE R-2 UNIT. YOU WILL BE FULLY DETAILED WHEN I HEAR FROM YOU. YOUR BANKING PARTICULARS, I.E ACCOUNT NUMBER, YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS ARE VITAL TO THE SUCCESS OF THIS TRANSACTION FOR UPDATING AND REMITTANCE PROTOCOL. YOU ARE MY ONLY HOPE.
BEST REGARDS

(signed)

(PRINCESS) LEIA
REPRESENTATIVE, IMPERIAL SENATE
AMBASSADOR, ALDARAN