Really Dumb Criminals

[THL]

Car Napping

Alleged Thief Caught Napping In Car
WEST VALLEY CITY When Jason Rockhill went to his car one morning last week, he was surprised to find someone taking a nap inside.

The intruder apparently had been helping himself to items in Rockhill’s car and others in the neighborhood and wasn’t anxious to be awakened.

“He kept saying, ‘No, no, no, no,’” Rockhill said. “I said, ‘Dude, you’re in my car.’”

Rockhill kept the man from getting away for about 10 minutes while he waited for police.

Police say the alleged thief had been pedaling around the neighborhood on a bicycle, which was found lying nearby along with a nearly empty half-gallon bottle of vodka. Inside the thief’s pockets, officers found lighters, change and a tampon. Drug paraphernalia was also found inside the man’s backpack.

The man was booked into the Salt Lake County jail on suspicion of theft and the possession of drug-related items, police said.

[THL]

Naked man arrested for concealed weapon

Naked Man Carrying Concealed Weapon

Naked man arrested for concealed weapon
Posted 11/6/2006 10:56 AM ET E-mail | Save | Print | Subscribe to stories like this



EL CERRITO, Calif. (AP) — A man was arrested on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon after police found him outdoors — naked — and he told them he had a tool in his rectum, authorities said.
The man was lying on a tree stump, masturbating beside a nature path, near a Bay Area Rapid Transit station Thursday, police said.

John Sheehan, 33, of Pittsburg, was initially arrested on suspicion of indecent exposure. But when asked whether he was carrying anything police should know about, Sheehan mentioned the tool, said El Cerrito Detective Cpl. Don Horgan.

"You can't get much more concealed than that," Horgan said.

Officers drew their weapons and firefighters were called to the scene. Sheehan removed a 6-inch metal awl wrapped in black electrical tape without incident.

Sheehan, who was paroled from state prison last week, was then booked into jail on suspicion of parole violations, indecent exposure and one felony count of possessing a concealed weapon.

"When you're talking about an awl or an ice pick and you're dealing with somebody who's fresh out of prison, it's a weapon. That's a stabbing instrument," Horgan said.

It was not immediately clear what Sheehan was on parole for. A person answering the phone at the jail Friday night did not know whether Sheehan had a lawyer.

[THL]

Nude man in drive-through attack

Naked Man, Naked Girlfriend, Naked Breast

The Palm Beach Post reports that police were called to a drive-through fast food restaurant after a naked man allegedly tried to assault a restaurant worker because he had touched the naked man's naked girlfriend's naked breast.

The couple were reportedly in the back of a black Oldsmobile, driven by another man, that pulled up to the drive through window to order food. They were, according to the employee, having sex whilst doing so.

Unfortunately for them, there was a mistake in their order, so the employee asked them if they could drive to the front of the restaurant. There, the employee passed the bag over to the naked woman – who at that point complained that the worker had touched her breast.

It was at this point that the naked man got out of the car and started attacking the restaurant worker, nakedly.

After the employee, who was punched in the eye, tried to run back into the restaurant, the naked man tried to stop him, with the result that the naked man ended up wedged, naked, with his body half-in and half out of the restaurant door.

Following this, the naked man got up, and – apparenly not interested in attacking the employee any more - tried to walk to the restaurant bathroom. He stumbled several times on the way there.

Apolice officer called to the scene made the surprising discovery that the naked man had slurred speech and smelled of alcohol. The naked guy was arrested, still naked.

[THL]

Sexologists Stolen Goods

Sexologist

JERUSALEM (AFP) - Israeli police say they are on the lookout for 40 vibrators and a 200-dollar dildo after thieves plundered the automobile of a noted sexologist in Tel Aviv.

"Thieves broke into her car and apparently stole from her a caseload of vibrators," police spokesman Micky Rosenfeld told AFP. "It's difficult to say the exact value of the items stolen, but obviously we're searching for these items just as with any other incident of theft."

The thieves were likely surprised by the contents, Rosenfeld said Wednesday.

The two metal cases stolen from Shelly Pasternak's car Friday resembled those used for expensive audio-visual equipment, but instead contained massage oils, dildos, whips, Chinese balls and handcuffs, as well as vibrators.

In all, the thieves made off with about 2,000 dollars worth of sex toys, Pasternak said, adding that the most valuable item was an elaborate vibrating dildo that sells for 200 dollars.

"It's a very unique one because it gives very high pleasure to women," she said.

However, Pasternak said she was most concerned about a book of receipts inside the case which contained the names of customers who purchased sex toys, many of whom prefer to remain anonymous.

Pasternak, 32, is a sexologist who hosts a sex program on Israeli television, holds workshops and lectures at bachelor and bachelorette parties.

[THL]

Make Yourself At Home

Make Yourself At Home

A BURGLAR used his victims' computer to access porn while spending time in their empty caravan home Malvern, Wor-cester Crown Court was told.

Adam Smith knew his neighbours were on holiday from the residential site in Birchwood Drive, Stocks Lane, over the Christmas period last year, said Paul Whitfield, prosecuting.

There was evidence from beer cans and cigarette butts that he had made himself at home for some time. His DNA was found on several items and £750 worth of stolen property was found hidden beneath a nearby trailer.

continued...
Smith, aged 22, and recently living in Doncaster, was jailed for 12 months after pleading guilty to burglary.

His barrister, Andrew Evans, pleaded for leniency because Smith had stopped drinking and had a five-month old child.

But deputy circuit judge Michael Mott said it was a mean offence as Smith knew his neighbours were away.

"Neighbours should look out for each other, not burgle each other," he said.

Is "burgle" even a word?

[Parihaka]

Make Yourself At Home


Is "burgle" even a word?

Yes, burgle is a word, one of those lovely ones that no matter how often you look at it or say it, it still seems odd. "I was burgled yer honour" "Is that a burglar?" "I only burgle at night"
Ah, :sighs: lovely word.
BUT TO THE POINT:

Officers drew their weapons and firefighters were called to the scene. Sheehan removed a 6-inch metal awl wrapped in black electrical tape without incident.

WHY were firefighters called to the scene? Do they have a special interest in naked men with awls shoved up their bottom?
Is the article suggesting that Firemen are Ass Burglars?

[THL]

WHY were firefighters called to the scene? Do they have a special interest in naked men with awls shoved up their bottom?
Is the article suggesting that Firemen are Ass Burglars?

Perhaps. Burglasses.

[TopHatter]

Pasternak said, adding that the most valuable item was an elaborate vibrating dildo that sells for 200 dollars.

WTF? TWO HUNDRED FREAKING DOLLARS?!? What does this thing have, an Intel freaking Pentium processor in it?? Is it powered by micro-nuclear batteries?? Are there hydraulics inside this thing?

"It's a very unique one because it gives very high pleasure to women," she said

For two hundred bucks it damn well ought to be "unique" and give a "very high pleasure".

[Edgeplay_cgo]

WHY were firefighters called to the scene? Do they have a special interest in naked men with awls shoved up their bottom?
Is the article suggesting that Firemen are Ass Burglars?

Firemen are the usual medical first responders in the US. Paramedics and Emergency Medical Technicians usually are assigned to the fire department.

The preferred method of removing the object would be to insert a fire hose into the subject's mouth and turn on the water. Just be sure he is pointed in a safe direction.

[THL]

WTF? TWO HUNDRED FREAKING DOLLARS?!? What does this thing have, an Intel freaking Pentium processor in it?? Is it powered by micro-nuclear batteries?? Are there hydraulics inside this thing?

maaayyybbbeee.

Not that I would know, of course.