Stories!

[Confed999]

I love stories. I live for stories. The best stories are, as I would say when I was a kid, "Army" stories. I want to hear some stories! Good stories, bad stories, stories that restore faith in man, stupid stories, funny stories, scarry stories, any true "Army" stories!!!! :redface:

 

[Officer of Engineers]

This is one of those never overdo coming down on the Sgts stories. My buddy and I were at the Battle School during one of those exercises. One of those 32 hour days and 5 minute sleeps and Murphy showing his head everywhere. We were supposed to be trucked to our new location and catch 2 hours of sleep. Well, the truck wasn't working and instead of a 2 hour sleep, we're talking a 15 kms march. My buddy lost it on the Travel Officer, who had to take it all.

Well, exercise over and we were waiting in line to get our travel orders back to our base in Ontario and weekend leave. I got my plane tickets and then, the Travel Officer turned around to my buddy and said, "sorry, sir but there was a mixed up at the airport. I couldn't get you on the flight but I did get you your bus tickets.

"But that's a 42 hour bus ride!!!!!"

"Yes, Sir, and your bus leaves in 20 minutes. You better hurry."

 

[Officer of Engineers]

Here is another one.

Showed up at Regiment (don't want to name them and the person involved) to get info on an upcoming op. I showed up and walked into the parade hall and saw the 2IC just reaming this civilian who was just smiling at him, almost laughing.

The civie looked familiar and I couldn't figured out who. The Commissioner (former military retiree working as government security) saw me and waved me over and pointed to a picture on the wall. I got it.

I smiled and approached the screaming Captain and the smiling civilian. "Good evening, General."

I swear I never seen a man turned white on the spot.

 

[Confed999]

Perfect! :biggrin:

 

[Blademaster]

This is one of those never overdo coming down on the Sgts stories. My buddy and I were at the Battle School during one of those exercises. One of those 32 hour days and 5 minute sleeps and Murphy showing his head everywhere. We were supposed to be trucked to our new location and catch 2 hours of sleep. Well, the truck wasn't working and instead of a 2 hour sleep, we're talking a 15 kms march. My buddy lost it on the Travel Officer, who had to take it all.

Well, exercise over and we were waiting in line to get our travel orders back to our base in Ontario and weekend leave. I got my plane tickets and then, the Travel Officer turned around to my buddy and said, "sorry, sir but there was a mixed up at the airport. I couldn't get you on the flight but I did get you your bus tickets.

"But that's a 42 hour bus ride!!!!!"

"Yes, Sir, and your bus leaves in 20 minutes. You better hurry."

Did your buddy do anything to that Sgt when he came back after that long ride? Like write a letter of reprimand or derail that Sgt. career?

I would have done something to that Sgt. Because of what he did, he would become a personal enemy for life and I would always be on the lookout to trip him up.

A smarter SGT would have done something less but gently to remind your buddy.

I know the saying about never pissing off your senior NCOs but the fact always remains: Never piss off someone who has a say in your career path or your paycheck.

 

[Officer of Engineers]

The Sgt was not part of our base, nor of our unit. He was the Travel Officer at the Battle School. My buddy would've look pretty stupid trying to jump the chains-of-command. Gagetown would have protected the Sgt from a 2 bar from Ontario.

 

[kNikS]

Guess that sarge overfcuked the system.

 

[Blademaster]

Here is another one.

Showed up at Regiment (don't want to name them and the person involved) to get info on an upcoming op. I showed up and walked into the parade hall and saw the 2IC just reaming this civilian who was just smiling at him, almost laughing.

The civie looked familiar and I couldn't figured out who. The Commissioner (former military retiree working as government security) saw me and waved me over and pointed to a picture on the wall. I got it.

I smiled and approached the screaming Captain and the smiling civilian. "Good evening, General."

I swear I never seen a man turned white on the spot.

It was about a parking spot, right? I remember this story. It was pretty funny as hell. Man, I wonder what his shriveled balls must have looked like at that time.

 

[Blademaster]

The Sgt was not part of our base, nor of our unit. He was the Travel Officer at the Battle School. My buddy would've look pretty stupid trying to jump the chains-of-command. Gagetown would have protected the Sgt from a 2 bar from Ontario.

Ah that explains it. Boy what a long ride for your buddy. OR did he throw his bus tickets in the trash and buy separate airline tickets or decided to stay at the base? I pity him

 

[Lunatock]

A story I was told by Joe Kacka(sp?), A World War Two Veteran.

"I almost got busted for going AWOL. While I was in France with the US Army I took a jeep and headed south for Chechloslovakia, because I had family there. I got within one hundred miles of their town when an MP caught up with me and told me to go back north. He thought I was crazy! for doing that."

 

[kNikS]

Here is one from me.

During WWI my grandfather was a Lieutenant in Royal Serbian Army. After he was wounded and captured in mid 1915 he was sent to Austro-Hungarian war-prisoner camp in Aschech in Austria. He tried to escape 2 times and both times get caught. After second try the commander of a camp brought him in front of the other prisoners in manner that whole situation looked like he is going to get killed. Instead of that he was praised as an example of persistence in serving to his country. Third time was a success since he somehow managed to disguise himself as a Austro-Hungarian NCO. He traveled through Hungary, Serbia and passed through Carpathian Mountains in Romania on foot, finally reaching frontline in the place of Jassy in today’s Moldavia and reporting to Serbian volunteer unit in the Russian Army.

 

[Confed999]

More stories! Ray, Bluesman, Snipe, lemontree, Hawk Eye, Dave Angel, all of you soldiers, let's hear 'em!

 

[Officer of Engineers]

Ah that explains it. Boy what a long ride for your buddy. OR did he throw his bus tickets in the trash and buy separate airline tickets or decided to stay at the base? I pity him

We didn't bring alot of money with us. The best way to avoid losing your money to the 2 RCR guys is not to have any.

And we had parade bright and early morning Mon, so he didn't had any choice. Truth be told, he was in better shape than I was. I was still sufferring from a hangover.

 

[Shek]

TH had hit me up for the same thing awhile back. It's later and since we lose an hour of sleep tonight, please forgive me for just cutting and pasting what I sent him. Here are the acronyms I used:

PL - Platoon Leader
PSG - Platoon Sergeant
1SG - First Sergeant

We got our smallpox vaccinations prior to deploying to Iraq, which consists of the live cowpox virus injected into your shoulder to build smallpox antibodies. It itches like crazy and a puss blister forms for several days during the process. In any case, we were out in the field for a pre-deployment training exercise, and I was briefed in a commander's meeting how several males in the brigade had had the smallpox vaccine spread to their genitalia. So, on the way back to the company, a scheme hatched and I discussed it with the 1SG. He agreed and then went to brief the PLs and PSGs about the problem and how it was "mandatory" to inspect everyone's genetalia to make sure they didn't have the same problem, and that this came straight from the brigade commander. I had to hang out in my vehicle because I couldn't keep a straight face, and I could hear all the grumbling of the PSGs and PLs saying how messed up it was and that this was BS. Anyways, just as 1SG was getting all the PLs and PSGs formed up to drop their trousers, we broke the news that we were joking but that the smallpox on the genitalia was a true issue.

After cursing at us for how f'ed up that joke was, nearly all the PL/PSGs returned to their platoons and repeated the process of getting the platoon formed up and playing the joke. Of course, the bolder soldiers that were smart a$$es ended up dropping trou anyways and telling the PSG/PL to check them out (think Snipe :biggrin, so it was a good laugh for most people.

So, there's plenty of opportunities for light hearted moments like this.

Another story of where I messed up was taking some .wav files of Snoop Doggy Dogg saying "Biotch!" and "Deez Nuts!" and associating with Microsoft Outlook on my 1SG's computer. Of course, he thought it was a funny joke and ended up keeping it and would turn up his computer speakers full blast so the Snoop Doggy Dogg sound bites would echo through the office everytime he got email. Well, we were holding an Article 15 hearing a few days later, and you turn on the acting mode to become extra serious and pensive, with 1SG adding the angry emotions. I'm in the middle of reading the charges and explaining the procedures when out of nowhere 1SG's computer screams "Biotch!" Well, it was too much for me and 1SG, and for about 10 seconds I was able to keep a straight face until the faces of surprise and laughter of the platoon chain of command, who was standing behind the soldier who was getting the Article, were too much for me. I started laughing and the 1SG kicked the soldier out of the office until we could regain our composure. The act was up and we finished that Article 15 without too much dramatics.

 

[sappersgt]

Sapper Co 2nd SAI's motto... JWFP

Sapper Co 2nd SAI's motto... JWFP

I love stories. I live for stories. The best stories are, as I would say when I was a kid, "Army" stories. I want to hear some stories! Good stories, bad stories, stories that restore faith in man, stupid stories, funny stories, scarry stories, any true "Army" stories!!!! :redface:

I was waiting to be evaced after we had finally secured (the newspapers said "A Daring Dawn Assault") the upper decks of a Liberian freighter when the call went out for anyone with sailing experience. " I sailed down to Baja (CA) when I was 12," I replied. The next thing I know I'm on the bridge ( with my leg propped up) of a 10,600 ton freighter trying to steer it to Durban harbor.
Not knowing what freqs to use I called out on Guard to the Durban Naval Security Detachment to request a pilot to meet me at the outer breakwater identifiing myself as "Sapper Corporal so and so with captured vessel". The radio operator didn't know what to think and left his mike open saying "F***ing Americans, all think they're bloody John Wayne". To which I replied "John Wayne's a f***ing P***y!".
All you could hear for the next five minutes was a bunch of airline pilots and controllers laughing their asses off and doing imitations of the "Duke".
At that moment our company motto was born. We would shout it out while running by the regular army offending many and cheering us to know end. Some of the men even got tattoos.

 

[Ray]

The Gurkhas are a fearless lot of Nepal and they are also residents of India and are part of the Indian, British and Nepal armies.

They are stereotypically taken to be hardworking but a wee bit slow in the uptake!
Are they? Here's something that may amuse you

******************

THE GURKHA AND THE STAFF COLLEGE (like the Command and General Staff Course of the US)

This is a story that I heard when I came to command my battalion.

Naturally, since this had happened before my time, or alleged to have happened, I cannot vouch for its veracity. Nevertheless, it is worth retelling.

This is about a hardworking, diligent, sincere and a soft spoken Gurkha officer, who spoke very little since he was told in his childhood that “A wise old owl sat in an oak, The more he heard, the less he spoke; The less he spoke, the more he heard; Why aren't we all like that wise old bird?

He wanted to be a wise old bird, if nothing else.

He studied hard and as the story goes, some say he won a Gold Medal in Academics in his school. He he passed the NDA examination (first stage to become an officer), went through the rigmarole of cadets training in the IMA (like West Point) and lo and behold!, he was commissioned and given the finest regiment of the Indian Army – the MAHAR Regiment (Ahem!). Of course, he didn’t know it then, but hopefully he knows it now!

He slogged through the initial years with quiet fortitude and he reached the magical rank of a Major. The rank is magical since that is the first time one understands what is the Army all about because till then, it is a mere running around the countryside like the monkey chasing the weasel!

He did well in all ranks and appointment he held, but since he was the quiet stereotype of a Gurkha, hardly anyone acknowledged his contribution. Nonetheless, he was satisfied since he believed in Vivekananda (an India sage) who believed that satisfaction was not doing what one likes, but liking what one does. Of course, it is true that Vivekananda had not told him so personally; his teacher had told him so; but being the good Gurkha he never asked his teacher who told the teacher so. He took it as the Gospel truth and he believed in this Gospel.

As is wont, there was this hullabaloo in the Station amongst the Majors whenever it is the time for applying for the Staff College exam. This Gurkha officer had heard about this Staff College exam but being the regimental officer that he was, he never displayed undue inquisitiveness in things that did not concern him. He was not the typical unit officer who archetypically indulges in gossip and schemes ways how to sort the CO (Commanding Offier) out.

Still, he was not totally dumb a chap. He knew that it had something to do with career enhancement like the Retention, Part A,B,C and D exams, though when he joined the Army, the Army realised that if there were too many exams then it would be difficult to promote officers to the next rank; and so did away with nearly all! That is why, he realised that any Tom, Dick and Harry could become a Colonel so long as he passed the exams and yes, now he realised that Staff College was an important input too, if not the most important of them all! He also knew that it was best to keep one’s counsel in addition, since most seniors had inflated egos that required its daily massage. That way, he was a clever little tick.

Now he understood the reason for the buzz amongst the Majors in the Station.

Diligent that he was, he looked about the AOs (Army Orders) on the Staff College exams and the AIs (Army Instructions which are basically on the financial aspects) too (lest something was there too since the Army was a mysterious organisation that was bent on complicating the simplest of things).

Fortunately, the Queens Regulations (no longer valid after Independence) was not there, or else he would have read that too, lest someone felt he was not a diligent and a sincere chap. He had to keep up with his reputation, after all.

He read it all and then he filled the application and put it up through proper channels to the CO. He forgot all about it thereafter, knowing that the CO was an equally diligent, sincere and hardworking soul, who would forward it to whoever it concerned and the whole process would have been set into motion.

But, what happened?

The application reached the CO, who that day was distraught since the Commander had been a bit prickly and unfair. So, the CO was not in the best of moods and was hunting for some excuse to let off steam.

The CO flipped through the dak (official mail) and then jumped out of the CO’s chair!

In front of him lay the Gurkha officer’s application for the Staff College exam!

He picked it up, felt it, smelt it, re-read it, checked the name again and then yelled, “Maj X ko bolao” (Call Maj X).

It was the turn of the stick orderly to jump. He had never heard the CO ever yell since this CO was the “command by persuasion and sweetness” type of leader who spoke softly but carried a big stick and was known as “Roosevelt” by those who did not know him, but had heard of him.

Sure enough Maj X arrived, all smartness and the personification of Gorkha robotlike precision, right down to the click of his heels.

Clicking his heels, he saluted.

The CO waved, indicating that he should be seated, since in the opinion of the CO, it was so extraordinary a situation and that it would take long time to apply the persuasion and sweetness style of his.

Maj X was taken aback. The CO asking that an officer sit down? That an officer had been called, in itself was more than extraordinary, and to sit down would mean that the sky was about to fall on his head!

So, he decided to maintain military protocol as per the Rules and Regulations and not sit down, but stand ramrod straight, breathing ever so gently to maintain the decorum and dignity of the hallowed office!

The CO had come from a different regiment and so he knew all about Gurkhas. He realised that this would be a tricky nut to crack and so he had to apply the third degree, which to him, was yet another yell, “Sit down, Bacche”. Sit down, Child)

Maj X winched! Not because of the yell, but because the yell and the word "Bacche" was incongruous and this command by persuasion and sweetness style was becoming real ridiculously ridiculous! But, he said nothing and instead sat down.

“Bacche, what is this I see before me?” the CO asked in the most mellifluous of tone and thrust Maj X’s application into Maj X’s hand.

Maj X looked at it. Obviously it was not Banco’s ghost. It was his application. He was thunderstruck as to how the CO seemed to have forgotten the English language and the alphabets! Even those who used the word "Bacche" knew English!

“Sir, it is my application for the Staff College exam”.

“That I see”.

Maj X decidedly beamed hearing that; at least the CO had not forgotten English! But doubts crept into his mind. If the CO saw and understood what he saw, where was the problem to sign the document? Or did he wanted a certificate for the CO to sign which read, “I have read it and sign it as correct” as they do for Cs of I (Courts of Inquiry). The CO was a bit of a legal chap and so it was not beyond his wanting such a certificate.

Some Mother have funny children, Maj X had nearly blurted!

Some more silence ensued.

“Maj X, are you serious about this?”

“About what, sir?”

“About applying for the Staff College, Bacche”, replied the CO.

“Yes sir, I am” replied Maj X.

The CO was a mathematics oriented man. He loved statistics too. Now, what if Maj X failed? After all, Gurkhas were not known to be too hot in studies, his statistical mind informed him. It would not look good in the Annual Inspection Folder. The CO was also a regimental soul. He could never let the regiment or the unit down! The unit uber alles was his motto. And yet, it would be unfair to not let the officer’s application go through, Gurkha or no Gurkha.

More silence ensued as the CO pondered.

The CO switched on his glassiest of smiles (which was so rare since his normal demeanour was like brass monkey weather , being a serious soul) and called in for two cups of coffee and literally mewed in the true “command by persuasion and sweetness” style.

The coffee came and the CO warmed up to the pep talk session.

“Maj X, Gurkhas make fine soldiers. Nowadays, they are also making fine officers. Yet, statistically not many make it to Staff College and higher education. Why press your luck? Aren’t you satisfied and thankful to God that you, amongst so many, are an officer and a damn good officer at that?”

Maj X sat back and blinked his eyelid and gazed back blankly as if in meditation and said nothing, and continued to say nothing, and instead gaze as blank as ever, just to rub in the stereotyped Gurkha image that the British had injected into their successors the Indians.

Minutes ticked and more of the blank gaze continued.

More minutes of blank gazing and the CO had enough of this blinkity blank silence and the beatific gaze in total serenity from this Gurkha.

It was enough of tomfoolery for the day for the CO.

He hollered, “OK, so that’s it?”

Maj X replied, “Sir”. The CO could take it anyway – yes or no.

And that ended the interview………

The application was signed.

It proved that Gautama the Buddha was indeed a Nepali. Nirvana could only be achieved through silence and meditation!

But that is not the end of the story.

When the results came, it was only Maj X who had passed the Staff College exam in the Station and everyone else had failed!

So, Looks can be deceptive. Stereotypes are also fallacious. Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

And Maj X had the last laugh!

He, who laughs last, laughs the best

And he is still laughing all the way up the ranks!

 

[Ray]

This I picked up from ARRSE.

********

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, Im afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist"

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacoo."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let's splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle,"
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking"

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That wou't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the bridge, Admiral."

Nelson: 'Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled."

Nelson: " Differently-abled! I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir ... The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on defaulters."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

Nelson: "Don't tell me, health and safety, whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."

Nelson: "In that case... kiss me Hardy

 

[Confed999]

Great stuff everyone! Thanks so much!

 

[Officer of Engineers]

Another exercise story.

Name and places changed to protect the embarrassed.

Off the East Coast, we were having those navy-army games. Unfortunately, we just finished one of those East Coast huricanes, so the place was a mess. We had to relcoate alot of the activities.

My RSM and I was driving by and noticed a company was coming ashore at the wrong spot. So, just to be pilote, we drove down to meet them. I came up to the Colonel and told him that his landing should be 20 kms south.

Well, he just laced into me, telling me that no one will tell him where to land. This is a good spot and it would really fcuk my side up since we're all out of position to counter him. If I didn't like it, I will have to go fcuk myself and go crying to my mamma General.

"Now, Captain Canada, what do you have to say to that?!?!"

"Only a question, Sir. What are you doing in my minefield?"

 

[Blademaster]

Another exercise story.

Name and places changed to protect the embarrassed.

Off the East Coast, we were having those navy-army games. Unfortunately, we just finished one of those East Coast huricanes, so the place was a mess. We had to relcoate alot of the activities.

My RSM and I was driving by and noticed a company was coming ashore at the wrong spot. So, just to be pilote, we drove down to meet them. I came up to the Colonel and told him that his landing should be 20 kms south.

Well, he just laced into me, telling me that no one will tell him where to land. This is a good spot and it would really fcuk my side up since we're all out of position to counter him. If I didn't like it, I will have to go fcuk myself and go crying to my mamma General.

"Now, Captain Canada, what do you have to say to that?!?!"

"Only a question, Sir. What are you doing in my minefield?"

Let me guess. You just made that comment up in the end to avoid looking like a fool and take the wind out of the braggart, right? :biggrin: