FORT HUACHUCA, Ariz. — An Easter egg hunt for students in the Military Intelligence Basic Officer Leadership Course resulted in 18 lost Lieutenants, a base-wide lock-down and search, and several dozen rancid Easter eggs, the base chaplain reported today.
“I thought an Easter egg hunt would be a treat for the new Lieutenants,” said Maj. Kenneth Raniere, Military Intelligence Center of Excellence Chaplain. “I didn’t expect that when I set up 20 dozen easter eggs in the Wheeler Field House that more than half the LTs would wander out into the hot desert sun and never return. It defies all logic that they could go so far off course in such a controlled exercise.”
Chaplain Raniere had set up the same event at the New Beginnings Child Development Center the previous day. The classroom of mixed three and four-year-olds found all 20 dozen Easter eggs and still had time to make bunny ear headbands before activity hour ended.
The search for the lost lieutenants has halted base operations while all personnel assigned to Fort Huachuca try to draw the lost lieutenants out of hiding with promises of new Sperry Topsiders, crisp Vineyard Vines polo shirts, and icy cold White Claws.
“I’ve got a new copy of Once an Eagle you can read!” Command Sgt. Major John Palmer called out while looking. “Come on out little guy. I’m not gonna hurt you. I might even tell you about The Kill Chain and wouldn’t it be nice to tweet about that? Just come on out. I promise I won’t make you leave the air-conditioned classroom again.”
Although the lieutenants are slowly being rounded back up and returned to their enclosures at the Horned Toad Bar and Grill, at least one managed to create an international incident. A lieutenant was found on the Mexican border sunburned, with no boots, holding a fluffy pink Easter basket and repeatedly mumbling, “I was the battalion commander at Michigan State University ROTC.”
