Post Your jokes here

[standoh]

Wanted: Your jokes, tired cliches weird ads, funny news articles, etc.

Reward: A dose of endorphins and exercise for your diaphragm, tickled funny bones,giggles,guffaws.

To start us off mildly;

Boss:How long have you been working here?
Employee:Since you threatened to fire me.

[soutie]

A couple are laying in bed the husband starts rubbing the wife,s arm
she says not tonight sweetie i have a gynie appoitment tomorrow,i want to stay fresh ,rejected the husband rolls over,sometime later he rolls back again and starts rubbing her arm,in which he says do you have a dentist appoitment as well

[speedlover1994]

!!







hmmm, OK.
Q: Why do Jews play football?
A:To get their quarterback.

[jame$thegreat]

Unfortunatly I didn't get a picture of it but when i was in Pennsylvania i saw a sign for a miniature golf place that said:

"Buy one child, get one free round of golf!!"

[y_raj]

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all in a hotel sleeping when a fire broke out in their respective rooms. The physicist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC, and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep.

The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the taps full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep.

The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses , you-name-it, and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I *can* put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep.

[texasjohn]

Blonde is in front of her computer talking to tech support.

tech says. " Ok, I would like for you to Right-Click on "My Computer"

The blonde... "OK!. now is that My right or Your right?"

[soutie]

a couple who have been married over 50 years are sitting at the breakfast table,the wife says 50 years ago we used to eat breakfast naked,so the husband replies lets throw caution to the wind and do it again,after 5 min the wife says Harold my nipples are warm,he replies thats because one is in your porridge and the other one in your coffee

[standoh]

Speedlover, love the photos



Some quotes(not sure exactly who said what).

Since the earth is 4/5 water, then it shows us that God intended us to spend five times more time fishing than farming.

Seinfeld:
I didn't climb all the the way to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian.
My mother's a travel agent for guilt trips.

[brak]

. .

[standoh]

. .

LOUD GUFFAWS AND BELLY LAUGHS

[tim52]

A man was walking along a California beach and was in deep prayer. He said, "Lord, you have promised to give me the desires of my heart. That's what I am asking you for right now. Please give me a confirmation that you will grant my wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded up over his head and the Lord in a booming voice spoke to him. "I have searched your heart and determined it to be pure. The last time I issued a blank wish request it was to Solomon. He didn't disappoint me with his request for wisdom. I think I can trust that you won't disappoint me either. Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish you ask for."

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm deadly afraid of flying and I get very seasick on boats. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over there to visit whenever I want?” The Lord laughed and said, "That's nearly impossible! Think of the logistics of that! Do you know how big and how long the supports would have to be to reach the bottom of the Pacific Ocean???!!! Think of how much concrete...how much steel!!! Your request is very materialistic, a little disappointing. I could do it, but it's hard for me to justify your craving for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify Me as well."

The man thought about it for a long while and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "Here's the deal. Lord, I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to know why they're crying. I want to know what they really mean when they say 'nothing'. I want to know how to make them truly happy. That's the wish that I want, Lord."

Then after a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that
bridge?

[Callmecur]

TONY BLAIR AND LABOUR

[speedlover1994]

Thanks Standoh, I enjoy them too

I love the baby picture! hilarious.

Tim- good joke, I like it

A priest, Rabbi and engineer are getting executed via gualatine (spelling?) the Priest first. He steps up, and makes the cross on his chest. The executioner asks if he wants to face up or down. The priest says he wants to face his god as he dies, and so he will face up. The executioner pulls the string, and the blade goes flying down and stops just above the priests neck. "Well, it's the lord's will" the executioner says, and the Priest walks away.

Next is the Rabbi, who steps up and makes the start of david. Again, the executioner asks if he would like to face up or down, and again the Rabbi says he wants to face his lord as he dies. The executioner pulls the string and the blade speeds down, stopping again right above the rabbi's neck. The executioner again proclaims it's the lord's will and he is free to go.

Last is the engineer, he steps up and the executioner asks him if he would like to face up or down. The engineer ignores him and walks up to the guilatine. After a moment of inspection the enginner proudly exclaims, "I think I see your problem"

A French men, a Brit, and a New Yorker are on a boat when they are captured by wild indians. The indians tie the men up, and tell them they will kill them and make canoes out of them. But first, they say, they will let them choose how they die. The French men asks for a knife, "Viva la France," he mutters, and stabs himself, dying honorably. The Brit asks for a pistol, "Long live the Queen," she says, and blows his brains out, dying honorably. The New Yorker then says,"do you have a foyurk?"

"A what?" the indians reply. "you know, a foyurk, for eating"
"ohhh, they go, and hand him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork, and stabs himself repeadetly, "There's your ****ing canoe," he says, and drop dead.

[tim52]

Ah, I do love a good engineer joke . Here's another:

The Airplane
A programmer and an engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away, and tries to sleep. The programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I'll ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" Now, that got the engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The programmer asks the first question, "what is the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the programmer $5.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50, turns away, and tries to return to sleep.

The programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well? What's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the programmer and returns to sleep.

[sappersgt]

Boys will be boys

I got this over ten years ago but it's still one of my favorites...

Mods, should this go in the "Stories" section?

About 2 weeks ago, I was looking around the Web for the BIGGEST sky
rocket that I could get shipped to me via common freight carrier. I
located a fireworks importer in Wisconsin who had this mondo
sky rocket--biggest thing I had ever seen--called a SkyDragon. These
things are 48 inches tall and are mounted on a 1/2-inch wooden dowel.
Pure aerospace engineering.

I plopped down a bunch of money and had him send me two cases of these
things. They arrived at the freight dock a few days ago and I had to
drive the van over to pick them up. Two boxes each 2 feet by 2 feet by
4 feet in size containing 80 rockets each. The 'Class 4 Explosives' sticker
on the side of each box was a real bonus. I am gonna have to save them for the
scrapbook.

That night, me and the kiddos had a gen-u-ine rocket launch ceremony. I
placed one of these beauties in a liter-size glass bottle and the bottle
fell over. Hmmmm- this thing was waaay too big. I looked around the shop
for a pipe to set it in, but realized that the only dirt I could drive the
pipe into was in plain sight of my neighbor's house. I knew he was a
cool guy, but I didn't want him to call the cops. You see- 'projectile-type'
fireworks are totally illegal in this county. I was surprised that the
Buncombe County Sheriff Department wasn't waiting for me at the loading dock
when I picked these things up. Anyhow, I finally rigged a launch pad by prying
up one of the driveway drain grates with a crowbar and sitting the stick into
the deep pit. Looked sorta like an ICBM silo with its hardened lid slid
aside.

I asked which of my three kids wanted to light the fuse, but all took a
few steps back and politely declined. Chickenshits. Kids just aren't
made the same nowadays. They fulfill their danger quotient by shooting
bad guy sin video games. About as far from real danger as you can get,
if you ask me.

I told the little weenies to stand back as I bent to light the device
with a Bic lighter.

The lady at the fireworks importer promised me that these things would
NOT make any noise. I told her that they HAD to be relatively quiet so I
could shoot them off in my neighborhood without causing 'undue alarm'. She
said I wouldn't have any problem. I emphasized the particular legal problems
I would have if there were any type of loud report at apogee. I emphasized
the fact that I lived right next to a National Park and that any type of
firework that was discharged or assumed to be discharged on that property
would get me sent before a FEDERAL judge right before I got sent to the
COUNTY judge. She again assured me I would have no problem.

That lying witch.

That rocket engine had a burn time about as long as any I had EVER
seen, and the ascent echoed off the surrounding trees. Diamond shock pattern
extended from the back end. It kept going and going and going. When it
hit apogee at about 1000 feet, the rocket disintegrated into a huge shower of
silent red sparks. Pretty cool, I thought.... until the shower of sparks
burned out and suddenly transformed into a cloud of extremely bright and loud
explosions.

The kids scrambled into the back door 'Three Stooges' style (ie: where
all three try to get through the same closed door at once) and left me
standing in the smoking haze waiting for the cops to arrive. The dogs
that live along our street were all barking their heads off at the apparition
they had just witnessed in the night sky

That ended the fireworks test for the night.

The next day, my oldest son Doug and I decided we were gonna 'neuter' one
of the rockets so it wouldn't make any noise. I took him into the
closet where I store the gardening tools and he saw these two huge cases of
fireworks standing there. The kid went nuts. He wanted to open BOTH
boxes so he could see what all 159 rockets looked like lined up next to
each other. This kid has promise. I told him: "Since mom only thinks
I have a few of these things lying around, maybe that wasn't such a
good idea." He mulled that over for a few seconds, then gave me a real
big smile in agreement.

We pulled one of the rockets out of the box and re-locked the closet
door.

He and I both sat down on the driveway and proceeded to take it
apart. It was a standard issue big-ass Chinese sky rocket. I bet they
used these to kill people 500 years ago. As I sat there taking layer
after layer of paper off, his brain was filling with the details of
construction. Tissue, cardboard, plastic, fuses...etc. Realizing that
he was mentally storing the design for some future project sorta made
me shudder. All I was thinking was the fact that this thing was probably
put together by a political prisoner in a hellhole somewhere who is
probably gonna get 'executed' so they can sell his internal organs on
the transplant market.


Probably not too far from the facts, but I managed to do a bit of
explaining to him from the standpoint of aerospace engineering
regarding how the thing worked. Doug is probably the only 4th
grader in the U.S. who can now describe the principle of thrust
using a control volume model.

The rocket was pretty simple. It had a very large booster engine topped
with a warhead that contained the red sparkly things that exploded. Removing
the warhead was as simple as giving a quick twist, and I assumed the neutered
rocket would fly higher without the payload. I was correct. Doug and I
did a daylight 'stealth' test and were able to add about 50% to the altitude
attained the previous night. We decided to modify four more rockets and
put them aside in the closet for easy access. When this was done, Doug
had a jar full of stuff that came out of the warheads including: 12 fuses
about 3-inches long each, some paper, 4 plastic nosecones and a big handfull
of these little black balls about the size of 12-gauge buckshot that
turned out to be the 'red sparkly popper things'. It appeared that the outer
layer was a simple gunpowder coating designed to quickly burn off as red
shower of sparks. I surmised that the inner core had some kind of magnesium
thermite that gave off an intense white light and a loud bang. Pretty
cool if you ask me. Lots of energy packed into one teeny little ball.

I didn't want to see the popper thingies go to waste, so I told Doug we
were gonna put them in a hole in the ground and set them off. He gave me
another big smile.

It's amazing how kids think alike...even when separated by 30 years.

As I was digging a shallow hole with my hand, Doug asked if it would be
alright to put an army man next to these things so that "When they go
off, it would look like he was getting shot with a machine gun".
Dang....exactly what I was thinking. I agreed and he ran off to his room to
dig something out of the mess. He returned in about 3 seconds, out of
breath and holding a cheap plastic imitation of Robert E. Lee on
horseback and a Civil War cannon. I pointed out that they didn't have
true machine guns in the Civil War, but we would overlook this for the
purpose of the demonstration. He handed me the action figure and I
placed it and the cannon next to a rather large pile of black beads
from which a few of the fuses extended.

I figured that three inches of fuse would take 2 seconds to burn, so I
had at least that amount of time to stand up and take a few steps
back. I neglected to recount the night before.....when the warhead ignited
IMMEDIATELY upon reaching apogee. Tricky Chinese. They had installed
extremely fast-burning fuse in these things and that fact totally
escaped me.

I squatted next to Robert Lee and gave a short eulogy. Doug laughed. I
took the trusty Bic lighter and placed it next to the fuse. One flick
got the lighter going and THIS IMAGE IS ONE I WILL REMEMBER FOR A LONG TIME. My
hand holding a lighter next to a pile of explosives.

There is usually a short but noticeable mental pause that occurs
immediately before something bad or really stupid happens. It is where
that little voice in your head says: "You dumbass."

The fuse burn time was in the 1/1000ths of a second range. The pile of
little popper thingy's immediately ignited into a tremendously
brilliant ball of fire. All I could think was..."...th....th.....thermite..."
Unfortunately, when they are viewed at ground level, these little
popper thingies become REALLY BIG POPPER THINGIES and have a tendency to jump
up to 15-feet in every direction from their point of ignition. I
instantaneously became engulfed in a ball of fire that sounded a lot
like being in a half-done bag of Orville Reddenbacher's popcorn.

It was all over about as fast as I could can snap my finger.

After the smoke cleared, Doug started laughing his butt off. That meant
I was still in one piece. Doug does not laugh at dismembered limbs. He
said I jumped about 10-feet, an action that I do not remember. I checked my
clothes for burn marks, and found none. He checked my back to make sure
it was not on fire. No combustion there. The driveway was peppered with black
holes where the concrete had been scarred from these things.

A close one. Another REAL close one. My mind ran the tapes again to
re-hash what it had seen. All I remembered was being inside something akin
to a 30foot diameter........ flaming dandelion. Whew.

We examined Ol' Robert E. at ground-zero.

Instead of a machine-gun peppering, he got nuked. He and the horse he
rode in on.......and his cannon too. One side was untouched, but the other
side was arc-welded. Real warfare. Doug examined it real quiet-like and
then started laughing again.

I assume he will remember the finer points of the lesson as he grows
older. When I now speak of 'almost being burned beyond recognition' he
will have a slightly better understanding of what I mean. I hope that
this vivid image tempers the knowledge he now has regarding rocket
construction. Oh, well.

After all, if your dad isn't gonna teach you how to get your ass blown
off, who will?