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An old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.
He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at Lakeside Mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his Father "What is this Father?". The Father responded "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.
A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having nightmares with you, and you'r not a good husband." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag."
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking
it up and watching the bubbles.
A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied,
"This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.
If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's
belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied,
"You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass
and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
The Dentist's Hymn: > Crown Him with Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn: > There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor's Hymn: > The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn: > Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn: > There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn: > Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn: > Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn: > I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn: > Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn: > Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn: > Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn: > I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapist's Hymn: > He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn: > The Great Physician
For those who speed on the highway:
> 45mph - God Will Take Care of You
> 55mph - Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
> 65mph - Nearer My God To Thee
> 75mph - Nearer Still Nearer
> 85mph - This World Is Not My Home
> 95mph - Lord, I'm Coming Home
> Over 100mph - Precious Memories
a couple who have been married go back to the original resturante for their 40 th weeding anniversary,the husband
do u remember what we ate yes she replies ,do you remember what we did after we ate ,yes she replies,i feel kinda horny she says ,off they go behind the resturante and start doing the wild thing by the fence,in the mean time someone who overheard them talking decided to take a peek what he saw amazed him they where really going at it ,after doing the deed they staggered away from the fence back to the bar,he says to them i cannot believe afetr 40 years of marraige you can still do that ,neither did we 40 years ago that fence was not electrified
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