Post Your jokes here

[Double Edge]

[Oracle]

^ Lol. Good one.

[DOR]

Pro Tip:
If you keep a beer in each hand, you're far less likely to touch your face.

[DOR]

Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Bing Crosby.

Among the first victims of the crooners’ virus.
RIP.

[HKDan]

[DOR]

2020: Basic hygiene
2021: Turn signalling

[DOR]

Everyone was so quiet in the medicine factory you could hear a cough drop.

[Double Edge]

Nicola sturgeon parody

An earlier version

Spoiler!

I'll tell ye fur why = I'm giving you the information

pippa dees = like tupperwear parties but with clothes. you get together in someones house and buy stuff

naebodys going to torremolinos = torremolinos is a popular tourist destination in spain for Scots.

Spoiler!

Right, here's the official word,
And i'll tell you for why
All the Sandra's, big janettes, all the Pippa Dees,
They've all been cancelled,
Nobody's going to Toromolenos,
We're all just talking on the snap chat group.
Stop going out
Stop meeting your pals
Stop going to the park and gathering together you bunch of fckin idiots,
You've been told.
Everybody's going to die if you all keep going about and meeting each other and then going home with a virus on you.
So I've told you once and I'm not going to tell you again.
This is the official line,
If I see any of you out there..
I'm going to take a run and put my toe up the crack of your arse.
So quit it,
Stay in the house,
Wash your hands and keep your family safe.
Away and snapchat your pals,
I will be talking to big Theresa later,
All of you, use your fones
Now quit it

[Double Edge]

Quality time with the family

[Double Edge]

[Double Edge]

Business Idea

[DOR]

COVID 19 Lockdown

It’s the kind of person you meet who’s always standing much too close
Center of a crowd, coughing too loud, with a running nose.

Well, it seems to me that you should have heard we don’t do that no more
And though you've tried you just can't hide your infectious roar.

You better stop being around.

Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here it comes
Here comes our COVID-19 lockdown.

When you were a child you were vaccinated
But you don’t think that was right.
No mumps or measles got to you but still you cried all night.

Your mother who protected you is owed a million thanks
And your father's still expecting you to pull some hare-brained pranks.

You better stop being around.
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here it comes
Here comes our COVID-19 lockdown

Oh, Don's to blame, that boy’s just insane
Everything he do don't seem to work
It only seems to make matters worse, oh please.

You’re such a tool to believe that fool who really trolls your kind
Kellyanne Conway turned your back on the scientific mind.

Dr Fauci tried so hard to rationalize your mind
But after a while I realized you’re the disparaging kind

You better stop being around.
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here it comes
Here comes our COVID-19 lockdown

You better stop being around.
Here it comes
Here comes our COVID-19 lockdown
Here comes our COVID-19 lockdown
Here comes our COVID-19 lockdown
Here comes our COVID-19 lockdown
Here comes our COVID-19 lockdown
Here comes our COVID-19 lockdown

With apologies to Keith Richards and Mick Jagger

[DOR]

Never Squat on Your Spurs

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest sages, political, homey, and country/cowboys that America has ever known.

Some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta’ the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable and relaxed.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

[Double Edge]

^

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

Love this one : D

[Oracle]