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  • #91
    Subject: An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman and a Welshman.......

    An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said: “we're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.”

    The Scotsman says: “I'd like to hear The Flower of Scotland just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards.”

    The Irishman says: “I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.”

    The Welshman says: “I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir.”

    The Englishman says: “I'd like to be shot first.”
    sigpicFEAR NAUGHT

    Should raw analytical data ever be passed to policy makers?


    • #92
      On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the
      Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

      "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much.
      Look at me... I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood,
      and some Swedish blood.

      What do you say to that?"

      The Englishman replied, with a smile, "Very sporting of your Mother."
      Buy the ticket, take the ride.


      • #93
        A beer before it true

        sigpicFEAR NAUGHT

        Should raw analytical data ever be passed to policy makers?


        • #94
          OK, that´s an oldie : In old Soviet days Moscow decides to give for 24hrs independence for Baltic states, just to see what happens. It will start 09.00 AM and will end 24hrs later.
          So the experiment starts.
          09.00 - baltics declare independence.
          09.05 - all three Baltic states declare war on USA.
          09.10 - all three Baltic states surrender unconditionally and ask for US occupation troops
          If i only was so smart yesterday as my wife is today

          Minding your own biz is great virtue, but situation awareness saves lives - Dok


          • #95
            This reminds me of the old Polish joke.

            A Pole found a genie in a bottle and freed him, getting the customary 3 wishes. The Pole thought about it for a minute. For his 1st wish, he wanted the Mongols to raid Poland. The Genie looked perplex but a wish is a wish.

            For his second wish, the Pole wanted the Mongols to raid Poland again. The genie was shocked but said nothing.

            For his 3rd wish, he wanted the Mongols to hit Poland one last time. This time, the genie had it. He wanted to know how can this man hate his home country so much.

            The Pole replied, "Oh but I love my country very, very much."

            "Then, why do you want the Mongols to hit it 3 times?"

            "Because in order for the Mongols to hit Poland 3 times, they have to cross Russia 6 times."


            • #96
              A piece of string slithers into a bar and asks for a beer but the barman takes one look at him and says "we don't serve your sort here, clear off". The piece of string argues but gets tossed out anyway.
              Dejected, he looks up and down the street but there's no-one else there and no other bars.
              Suddenly he starts unraveling one of his ends, carefully freeing up each braid and thread until there's bits sticking everywhere, twists himself up into a ball, re-enters the bar and says "barman, give me a beer pronto".
              the barman starts pouring the beer but then says "hang on a minute, aren't you the piece of sting I just threw out of here?", to which the string replies "I'm afraid not"
              In the realm of spirit, seek clarity; in the material world, seek utility.



              • #97
                This ones for OoE

                seeing as they are getting worse

                A white horse walks into the bar, the barman looks at him the horse says " give me a pint and scotch" the barman while pulling the beer says " funnily enough we have a scotch named after you" the horse looks at him funny and says ......"what...... trigger?"
                Last edited by T_igger_cs_30; 06 Mar 07,, 04:34.
                sigpicFEAR NAUGHT

                Should raw analytical data ever be passed to policy makers?


                • #98
                  Blonde in front of computer screen talking to tech support guy on the phone:

                  Tech: OK, ma'am. Do you see the " My computer" icon on your screen? good! I would like for you to Right-click on it.

                  Blonde: ( after some hesitation ) Now is that my right or your right?


                  • #99
                    Okay, okay. Here's a clean one. Even the Priest at our church liked it.

                    A teenage boy walks up to his father and says, "Hey Dad. I passed my driver's test some time ago. And you do let me run errands with your car, but isn't time for me to get my own set of wheels?"

                    The father looks up at him, sighs and says, "First of all, your grades have not been good. As a matter of fact, they're abominable. Secondly, you do almost no work around the house and sit in your room playing unintelligable music or playing some blood and guts game on the computer. Finally, your hair is a mess. It's down below your shoulders and because of your slender build some people have mistaken you to be a girl.

                    "Bring up your grades, put some effort in help around the house and get a decent haircut. Then see me in three months."

                    Three months go by and the lad approaches his father again. "Hey Dad, you see that I've brought up my grades to at least 3.0 in some of them and a 4.0 in math. Also I've been taking out the trash for you, laid in new tile in the bathroom and painted the garage.

                    "So, how about that set of wheels."

                    The father looks up at him and says, "Well your grades have improved well beyond expectation. Also your work around the house not only has been well appreciated but has saved us a lot of money as we were going to hire a tile layer and a painter.

                    "But the third requirement has not been met. Your hair is even longer than it was before. Didn't I tell you to get a haircut?"

                    The boy answers, "Yes you did Dad, but what's the big deal about it? I wash it every day and don't forget, Jesus and his disciples all had long hair."

                    The father replies, "Yes my son, they did. But they also walked."
                    Able to leap tall tales in a single groan.


                    • From the Edinburgh festival, though I'm pretty sure I've heard one or two before....

                      Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
                      Jimmy Carr

                      The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
                      Chris Addison at the Pleasance

                      My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
                      Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

                      The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be sh*tting herself.
                      Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

                      My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
                      Susan Murray at the Underbelly

                      Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
                      Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

                      My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
                      Susan Murray at the Underbelly

                      You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening... Self-raising?"
                      Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

                      I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
                      Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

                      I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...
                      Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

                      Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
                      Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

                      Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
                      Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

                      A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
                      Steven Alan Green at C34

                      Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
                      Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

                      It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
                      Chris Addison at the Pleasance

                      I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
                      Arnold Brown at The Stand

                      If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
                      Milton Jones at the Underbelly


                      • Okay, you've asked for it. This'll probably get me banned but what the hey.


                        Something for obvious reasons I haven't until this time mentioned on this board is that I have some French ancestry. Specifically my great grandfather was French and had two sons by two different mothers, one, my grandfather in NZ, and the other in France.
                        It is this French great uncle that is the subject of this story.

                        His name was Pierre Le Grande and during WWI he flew a SPAD XI for the French Airforce, achieving some small fame as an ace.
                        After the war he was demobbed and finding there was little work in his prewar occupation as a cart driver he bought an old Spad and moved to America to be a barnstormer.
                        In those days this was a lucrative job, and uncle Pierre had a great time hopping across the country taking farmers and their families on joyrides over their farms and the surrounding countryside.
                        Each morning he'd take off from a field, fly a few miles until he found a small town and buzz the place a couple of times before setting down in a suitable field and putting out a sign with a picture of him and his plane with the legend

                        "Pierre Le Grande, le famous aviator, rides 1 dime."

                        One day as he was taking the usual joyriders for their flights, he noticed a beautiful young woman standing just outside the crowd queuing for their flight, and after each flight she would still be there, but never moving up through the queue.
                        Hmm hmm, thought Pierre, here's a live one, twirling his moustache with extra panache.
                        Finally, just before sunset, the last of the customers was gone and only the young lady and Pierre were left on the field. Sauntering up to her he said "excuse moi mademoiselle but would you like ze ride hmm hmm" giving his moustache an extra twirl.
                        "Oh Mr Le Grand, I would dearly love to go for a ride" says she, "but my family is poor and I have no money to pay for it"
                        "Never you worry your pretty little head" says Pierre with a twinkle in his eye,
                        "I am Pierre Le Grande, le famous aviator, my pockets are already full, and I'm sure we can find some way for you to pay me back ha ha"

                        "Oh Pierre" exclaims the young lady "I'd do anything for the chance to ride in your aeroplane, anything at all"
                        "Then hop aboard young maid, and I shall transport you to heaven" exclaims Pierre.

                        So for the next 1/2 hour they swoop and soar, barrel rolls, Immelmann turns and the like, and for a finale fly up the main street of the town lower than the surrounding buildings.
                        "So mademoiselle, how did you enjoy zee ride, hmm hmm?" asked Pierre after they touched down.
                        The young lady sidles up to him and whispers "oh Pierre, that was so exciting, you've made me all hot and bothered if you know what I mean, are you as good in bed as you are in the sky?"
                        "Mademoiselle, Pierre Le Grande, le Famous Aviator, is as famous in bed as he is in the skies, and not just the Bosche have fallen before my weapon if you know what I mean"
                        So hand in hand they repair to a nearby barn, Pierre with his bag in hand.

                        Stripping her slowly, he got her to lie down in the hay, turned to his bag and took out a bottle of wine. Gently dripping the wine over her naked torso, he proceeded to lick it off, driving her into paroxysms of delight.
                        "Oh my god Pierre" she exclaims, "that's fantastic, take me now big boy, take me now"
                        "Not yet mademoiselle, not yet, Pierre Le Grande le Famous Aviator likes to take his time" and so saying takes a bottle of sherry and dribbles it into her bellybutton, then proceeds to lick it out.

                        "oh as I live and breath Pierre, thats fantastic, please please, take me you big brute of a man!"
                        "Aha" cries Pierre, "soon mon cherie, soon" and lifting a bottle of Quantro liqueur from his bag pours a liberal quantity over her 'lower regions'.

                        "Oh Pierre, the liqueur's so cold but it feels fantastic, do whatever you want with that tongue of yours you beast" cries the young lady.

                        At this Pierre reaches into his pocket, pulls out a match, strikes it and sets fire to her Quantro soaked hair.
                        A great sheet of flame shoots from her groin and she leaps up in the air, beating the flames out and cries "my god Pierre, are you insane, what did you do that for?!"

                        "My dear young lady" says Pierre,
                        "when Pierre Le Grande le Famous Aviator goes down, he goes down in flames"
                        In the realm of spirit, seek clarity; in the material world, seek utility.



                        • Distant kinsman?

                          I'll forward that to a friend of mine who is a Naval Aviator, a real live honest to goodness Cajun and just so happens to have the same surname!
                          Reddite igitur quae sunt Caesaris Caesari et quae sunt Dei Deo
                          (Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's and unto God the things which are God's)


                          • What dating was like in 1956.

                            It's the summer of 1956, and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
                            When he goes to the door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue is not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"
                            Peggy Sue's mother asks harold what they are planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go out to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.
                            Peggy Sue's mother respnds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Whaaaat?"
                            "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother. "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
                            Harold's eyes lit up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immedietly, he has revised plans for the evening. A few moments later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and pronounces she is ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

                            About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door, and screams at her mother.
                            "Dammit, Mom! Its the Twist!...Its called THE TWIST!"
                            Removing a single turd from the cesspool doesn't make any difference.


                            • More a funny pic than a joke...
                              Attached Files


                              • The New Priest

                                A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

                                So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

                                1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

                                2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

                                3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

                                4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

                                5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

                                6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

                                7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

                                8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

                                9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

                                10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

                                11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

                                12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

                                13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub A dub dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"

                                14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
                                "Only Nixon can go to China." -- Old Vulcan proverb.