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  • Doktor
    A man enters the the store and asks the cashier "Excuse me, where do you keep hygienic pads?"

    "On that left shelf Sir"

    Then 1 minute later he is coming to the cashier with a toilet paper and a pack of cotton.

    "Sir, what are you doing, I told you the pads are on the left shelf. You couldn't find them?"

    "Everything is fine ma'am, yesterday I sent my wife to buy me cigs and she get home with roll paper and tobacco. It's about time to test HER creativity"

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  • bonehead
    Here are a few for the married guys:

    Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

    The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

    My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

    I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

    After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”

    I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

    The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

    My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
    "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

    I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

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  • tankie
    English Stiff Upper Lip

    On a train from London to Manchester an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

    "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much.
    You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
    Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish
    blood, and some Aborigine blood.
    What do you say to that ?"

    The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

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  • tankie
    steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

    Steve's girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend's house.

    She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

    Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn't exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their places at the dinner table, nobody says a word.

    A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend's mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

    Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

    With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend's father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"

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  • Doktor
    ...In the other news: the local mailman was found dead in one of the alleys. The CoD is still unknown.

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  • tankie
    A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

    Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.

    The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."

    The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

    Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

    The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

    When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch

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  • tankie
    Register being read on the first day back at a school in Birmingham. The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:-
    "Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" - "Here."
    "Achmed El Kabul?" - "Here."
    "Fatima Al Hayek?" - "Here."
    "Ali Abdul Olmi?" - "Here."
    "Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here."
    "Ali Son al En?" silence in the classroom.
    "Ali Son al En?" continued silence as everyone looked around the room.
    The teacher repeated the call.
    A girl stood up and said, "Sorry teacher, I think that's me.

    It's pronounced Alison Allen

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  • tankie
    My Jewish mate has renounced God after being diagnosed with a terminal illness .

    The day after getting an expensive haircut.

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  • tankie
    A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. The FBI said they believe the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

    He was charged with carrying weapons of math destruction

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  • tankie
    Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
    but she belonged to someone else...
    One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
    her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
    screw you. But the girl said NO.
    Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
    the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
    time you pick it up. "
    She thought for a moment and said that she would have
    to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
    boyfriend and told him the story.
    Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
    money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
    pants down."
    So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
    goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
    girlfriend to call.
    Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
    asks what happened.
    She responded,

    "The lousy bastard used coins!"

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