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  • DOR
    replied
    “YOU ARE MY ONE AND ONLY”...
    ...valentine cards, now on sale: 4 for $5.

    = = = = =

    I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day. Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning.

    Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.

    = = = = =


    A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

    The man says: "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed: 'Guess who?'"

    "But why?" asks the man.

    "I'm a divorce lawyer." the man replies.

    Leave a comment:


  • RedSquirrel
    replied
    Why does Waldo wear stripes?
    Because He doesn't want to be spotted.

    Leave a comment:


  • bigross86
    replied
    A cute little dog fell into a river. A German tourist jumped in and saved the dog. Upon getting back up on the bridge he checked the dog out and told the lady owner that "zer dog is ok, and vill be fine" She asked if he was a vet? He replied, "Vet, I'm fucking soaked!"

    Leave a comment:


  • tankie
    replied
    An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

    Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

    He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

    "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

    Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

    There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

    Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for my call."

    Leave a comment:


  • tankie
    replied
    WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

    A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

    The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
    a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.



    He opened his newspaper and began reading.

    After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,

    "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

    The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,

    wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,

    sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

    The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned"

    Then returned to his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
    apologized.

    "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
    How long have you had arthritis?"

    The drunk answered,

    "I don't have it, Father.

    I was just reading here that the Pope does."

    Leave a comment:


  • Albany Rifles
    replied
    To get us back on track


    Subject: The absolute best Little Johnnie Joke


    Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

    When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.



    When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'



    The mother said, 'Why,Thank you, Johnnie.'



    Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet,beautiful little hands,a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'

    'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision.'

    'That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'coz he'd be in deep shit if he needed glasses.

    Leave a comment:


  • tankie
    replied
    FFS A derailed JOKE :slap:

    Leave a comment:


  • bonehead
    replied
    Originally posted by bigross86 View Post
    During finals, most students I know scarf down the nastiest, unhealthiest, cheapest "food" they can find and get back to cramming (procrastinating). Last semester I had 13 finals and papers, and I gained a crapload of weight. This semester I've only got 1 presentation, 3 papers, 1 test and a seminar paper, so I've got more free time, but even then, there's no way I spend 2 hours a day eating. Usually it's about an hour, sometimes even less
    2 hours is about right if they are eating out......and doing it right. Some things should be relished, not rushed.

    "scarf down the nastiest, unhealthiest, cheapest "food" they can find" ....... How come you never said twinkies are still available over there?

    Leave a comment:


  • bigross86
    replied
    Lunch/dinner usually last 20 minutes or so, each (not including prep time). Hell, a sandwich or a bowl of soup can be done in half that time

    Leave a comment:


  • Doktor
    replied
    How many times you eat daily?

    Only lunch should be 45-60mins

    Leave a comment:

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