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  • #76
    If i only was so smart yesterday as my wife is today

    Minding your own biz is great virtue, but situation awareness saves lives - Dok


    • #77
      The TEXAS deer hunt!

      1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.

      2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.

      2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.

      3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.

      3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun.

      3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.

      4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent.

      4:30 AM: Head for the woods.

      6:05 AM: See eight deer.

      6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.

      6:07 AM: CLICK.

      6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill.

      8:00 AM: Head back to camp.

      9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.

      10:00 AM: Realize that you don't know where camp is.

      NOON : Fire gun for help---eat wild berries.

      2:15 PM: Run out of bullets---eight deer come back.

      2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach.

      2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.

      2:45 PM: Rescued.

      2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead.

      3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.

      3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer.

      4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.

      4:01 PM: Load gun---leave camp again.

      5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you.

      6:00 PM: Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing.

      6:01 PM: Load gun.

      6:02 PM: Fire gun.

      6:03 PM: One dead pickup.

      6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.

      6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.

      6:07 PM: Fall into fire.

      6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire.

      6:15 PM: Take pickup, leave hunting partners and deer in camp.

      6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block.

      6:26 PM: Start walking.

      6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.

      6:35 PM: Meet bear.

      6:36 PM: Take aim.

      6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud.

      6:38 PM: Mess pants.

      6:39 PM: Climb tree.

      11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree.

      Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees thanking Maker.

      Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.


      • #78
        A moral story

        A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween
        party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to
        the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she
        argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and
        there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
        So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping
        soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early,
        decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume
        was, she
        thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he
        acted when she was not with him.
        So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
        cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick"
        he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His
        wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
        his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go
        as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more
        drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
        agreed, so
        off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the
        back seat.
        Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and
        put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
        explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was
        sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he
        Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're
        not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
        He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I gotthere, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went intothespare room and played poker all evening."
        You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker
        all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
        To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad,
        apparently he had the time of his life."
        sigpicFEAR NAUGHT

        Should raw analytical data ever be passed to policy makers?


        • #79
          Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

          8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing!
          9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!
          9:40am walk in the park! My favorite thing!
          10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
          12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
          1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
          3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
          5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
          7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
          8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!
          11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


          Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

          Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

          Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

          The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

          Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this act would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!

          There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

          Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

          I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!

          The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe ... for now


          • #80
            H-o-o-t-e-r-s fans only.........

            sigpicFEAR NAUGHT

            Should raw analytical data ever be passed to policy makers?


            • #81

              sigpicFEAR NAUGHT

              Should raw analytical data ever be passed to policy makers?


              • #82
                I originally downloaded the three versions produced.... couldn't do any work for days.... just sat there mesmerised and hovering my mouse button....

                No, I won't download them again!


                • #83
                  Originally posted by execrable View Post
                  I originally downloaded the three versions produced.... couldn't do any work for days.... just sat there mesmerised and hovering my mouse button....

                  No, I won't download them again!
                  Or are you saying that beause "I gotchya looking"
                  sigpicFEAR NAUGHT

                  Should raw analytical data ever be passed to policy makers?


                  • #84
                    Two guys are sitting quietly in a boat fishing and drinking beer.

                    Softly, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

                    Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
                    Buy the ticket, take the ride.


                    • #85
                      A Soviet Chairman retires. He writes 3 letters to his successor, no. 1 says, "In the event of an inexplicable crisis open letter no. 2”. There was such a crisis, and the new chairman opens letter 2, and it says, "Blame everything on me". The new chairman blames everything on the old chairman, and it worked perfectly. There is another inexplicable crisis, the new chairman opens letter #3, and it says, "Sit down, and write 3 letters".

                      I heard it a couple of years ago; I thought it was pretty funny.
                      "I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just; that His justice cannot sleep forever."
                      - Thomas Jefferson


                      • #86
                        I recieved these in my email today.........we all know that south of the 49 football is king but we have it here in the north I am a hockey fan has its good points:) ..............apologies to my Saskatchewan friends in advance

                        Click image for larger version

Name:	The Edmonton Eskimo's cheerleaders.bmp
Views:	2
Size:	739.9 KB
ID:	1432157...The Edmonton Eskimo's cheerleaders

                        Click image for larger version

Name:	The Montreal gang.bmp
Views:	2
Size:	821.4 KB
ID:	1432158...The Montreal gang

                        Click image for larger version

Name:	The Saskatchewan Roughriders.........bmp
Views:	1
Size:	75.2 KB
ID:	1432159...The Saskatchewan Roughriders gang
                        sigpicFEAR NAUGHT

                        Should raw analytical data ever be passed to policy makers?


                        • #87
                          Originally posted by T_igger_cs_30 View Post

                          [ATTACH]7236[/ATTACH]...The Saskatchewan Roughriders gang
                          Seem to recognise the middle one from Herford,,,Charlies Bar!!


                          • #88
                            A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"

                            The koala says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

                            So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry and he is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

                            A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

                            The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

                            The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

                            The koala looks down at him and says, "Sh*t dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"
                            "To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are."-Sholem Asch

                            "I always turn to the sports page first, which records people's accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures."-Earl Warren

                            "I didn't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs."-Nancy Reagan, when asked a political question at a "Just Say No" rally

                            "He no play-a da game, he no make-a da rules."-Earl Butz, on the Pope's attitude toward birth control


                            • #89
                              True story The Daily Telegraph, Monday, January 5, 1998:

                              LAWYER: Before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
                              DOCTOR: No.
                              L: Did you check for blood pressure?
                              D: No.
                              L: Did you check for breathing?
                              D: No.
                              L: So, it was possible the patient was alive when you began your autopsy?
                              D: No.
                              L: How can you be so sure?
                              D: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk at the time.
                              L: But could the patient have been still alive nevertheless?
                              D: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.


                              • #90
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