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  • #46
    Originally posted by GVChamp View Post
    A Frenchman, Englishman, beautfiul redhead, and a fat woman step into a train car together.

    The train travels along, and eventually reaches a long tunnel. For several seconds, all is dark, and a loud slap is heard. When the train reaches light again, everyone looks around and sees a bright red mark on the Frenchman's face.

    The beautiful redhead thought to herself, "That poor man must've been trying to grab me. He grabbed the fat woman instead, and she slapped him. My that must've hurt."

    The fat woman thought to herself, "that sick man must've grabbed the redhead and she slapped him! He's lucky she didn't do worse."

    The Frenchman thought to himself "That horrible Englishman must've grabbed that beautiful woman, and she slapped ME by mistake. I'll give him a good thrashing I will..."

    The Englishman thought to himself "I hope there's another tunnel coming up so I can slap that French ***** again"


    • #47
      A long time favourite of mine

      A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 70th birthday. During this party he takes the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with three great white sharks in it.
      'I will give anything they desire of mine," he says to the onlookers "to the brave man who swims across that pool.'

      So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a huge splash and all the partyguests run to the pool to see what has happened.

      In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.....

      The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.

      The guy grabs the microphone, looks fiercely around the adoring faces looking back at him and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the b*****d that pushed me in!'


      • #48
        I like it, but it seems like too long of a set-up for not much payload.

        The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

        "you have enemies, good. That means you stood up for something, sometime in your life"


        • #49
          Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
          "Only Nixon can go to China." -- Old Vulcan proverb.


          • #50
            Two sailors are walking down the street while on Liberty. One of them is obviously a "Lifer" with all the hash marks on his sleeve while the other is q much younger seaman second class.

            They pass a beautiful brunette girl and the young sailor asks, "Boy, she's a good looker. Ever sleep with a brunette like that before?"

            The older salt answers, "Of course I have. Some good, some not so good."

            They then watch a gorgeous Asian woman cross the street. The kid asks, "Ever sleep with a Japanese or Chinese gal?"

            The other swabbie answers, "Of course. Koreans too. Not bad at all except they're so tiny I feel like a pedophile. Especially me being six-foot five."

            They later eye a terrific blonde window shopping. Again the young kid asks, "Ever sleep with a good looking blonde before?"

            "Of course I have. Even better looking than that one. Sweden's pretty nice if you know where to go."

            As they are turning the corner, a well developed and radiant redhead passes by them and gives them a smile. Naturally the kid asks, "Ever sleep with a redhead before?"

            The veteran sailor turns to smile back at the girl and triumphantly says, "Not a wink."
            Able to leap tall tales in a single groan.


            • #51


              10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

              9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

              8. The cat is on Valium.

              7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

              6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

              5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

              4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

              3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

              2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

              1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

              WARNING--PG-13 MATERIAL


              10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

              9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

              8. See if they could finally do the splits.

              7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

              6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

              5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

              4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

              3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

              2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

              1. Finally find that damned G-spot.


              10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

              9. Get a blow job.

              8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

              7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

              6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

              5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

              4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

              3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

              2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

              1. Repeat number 9......

              TOP TEN TV SHOWS IN IRAQ

              10. Husseinfeld

              9. Mad About Everything

              8. Allah McBeal

              7. Wheel of Fortune and Terror

              6. Achmed's Creek

              5. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right

              4. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest

              3. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show

              2. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs

              1. Suddenly Sanctions


              10. Girls Just Want To Be Nuns

              9. Wind Beneath My Vestments

              8. Pretty Fly (For A Celibate Guy)

              7. A Whiter Shade Of Robe

              6. Exactly Like A Virgin

              5. Sistine Candles

              4. Take This Job And Read It

              3. Gettin' Popey Wit It

              2. God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On Me

              1. Papa's Got A Brand New Encyclical


              10. shaft is bent.

              9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

              8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

              7. Look at the size of his putter.

              6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

              5. Mind if I join your threesome?

              4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

              3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

              2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

              1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

              I'll be surprised if you read all of them, but that's OK

              Sorry if some are slightly inapropriate!
              "you have enemies, good. That means you stood up for something, sometime in your life"


              • #52
                Two Irishmen walking past a police station which has a poster displayed saying "Wanted for rape - 2 males of Scottish descent". One of the Irishmen says to the other "Jaysus, dem bloody Jocks, dey get all d' good jobs"


                • #53

                  Read them all.

                  Two Irish traveling salesmen(are they still called that I wonder)are on a train together with a British tourist riding in the same car.

                  The conversation between the two Irishmen went on like,

                  "I've been to Killpatrick, Killkenny and now I'm on my way to Killmainham",

                  and the other replied,
                  "Oh, I've been to Killshaw and now I'm off to Killmore".

                  The Brit who had been listening to this exchange with mounting horror suddenly got and made his way out of that car thinking to himself "murdering scoundrels".
                  Last edited by standoh; 23 Feb 07,, 14:39.
                  The greatest instrument of moral good is the imagination.


                  • #54
                    A ventriloquist is on-stage in a Alabama nightclub. He’s going through his usual stupid red-neck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says, “I’ve heard just about enough of your smart-ass hillbilly jokes. We ain’t all stupid down here!”

                    The ventriloquist began to apologize, when the big guy says, “You stay out of this mister! I am talking to the little smart ass fella on your knee."

                    An African diplomat was telling the new American ambassador about the Russians teaching them to play Russian roulette.

                    The African diplomat said we actually play our version. He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "Choose any one of these women to give you oral sex," he told the American.

                    The American ambassador said, "That's not Russian roulette."

                    "Oh, it is." The diplomat said. "One of them is a cannibal."

                    A guy walks into a bar. "Gimme a double, before the crap hits the fan."

                    A few minutes later, same thing, "Gimme a beer before the crap hits the fan."

                    This goes on for an hour awhile and finally the Bartender says, "Maybe you should pay before you get another drink."

                    And the guy said "Oops, the crap just hit the fan."


                    • #55
                      TECHNOLOGY.........for country folk





                      sigpicFEAR NAUGHT

                      Should raw analytical data ever be passed to policy makers?


                      • #56
                        very must teach me how you do this!!!I'll pop over for a couple of weks in July so you can teach me Love to R bye the bye


                        • #57
                          Oral sex and the Cabbie

                          A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

                          He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

                          One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

                          Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

                          The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

                          When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.


                          • #58
                            A few years ago, a journalist covering the war in Iraq, decided he would do a story on young children living in a war torn country.
                            So while wondering the streets of Baghdad he comes across a group of young children and asks them for an interview and they agree.
                            "What's it like living in this war ravaged place it must be horrible, aren't you worried for your safety?" asks the journo.
                            One of the children replies "Well, to tell you the truth, we feel safer here than we would at Michael Jackson's place!"


                            • #59
                              Hilary Clinton proclaimed that she will get American Soldiers home from Iraq if elected President.

                              ......Ya sure, she can't even get Bill to come Home.


                              • #60
                                This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans.
                                Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him.
                                The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
                                "What's the matter?" Jack asked.

                                "I've been transferred to New Orleans; there're crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

                                Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says.
                                Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school.
                                It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

                                The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death.
                                But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

                                "Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
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                                Buy the ticket, take the ride.