Post Your jokes here

[glyn]

The sorry tale of the hypnotist

It was entertainment at the senior centre and the Amazing Claude was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced:
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be
put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the
audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you
each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting:
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a 100 pieces.

"SH1T!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the senior centre.

[glyn]

Politics & Big Business re-explained and expanded.

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the
other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your
herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the
income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the
other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to
analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your
publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via
an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed
company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option
on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States,
leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The
public buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot,
and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You
then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it
worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live
for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they
are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have
five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them
again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows because your
sobering up and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You
charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINA CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and
arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that
you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You
close the office and go for a few beers.

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very
attractive.

[Archer]

ROTFLMAO!! Brilliant Glyn, just brilliant.

[tankie]

A guy was watching his wife cook some eggs when he screams at her , for GODS sake more butter MORE BUTTER , quick turn em over TURN EM OVER , thats it , now more salt, MORE salt , for gods SAKE more salt .
The wife turned and looked at him and said , whats up ? dont you think i know how to fry some eggs ???

Hubby looked at her calmly and replied ,,,,honey of course i do , i just wanted to let you know what it feels like when im driving .

[tankie]

Paddy was badly burnt in a fire and the morgue asked his 2 best friends if they could identify him , at the morgue murphy said , jeez he sure is badly burnt ? roll him over ,,, nope it ant him he said ? so seamus has a look and says roight roll him over ,, nope he says it aint him ?

the attendant quite puzzled by now asked them why they wanted to roll him over , they said , because Paddy had 2 #rseholes ,, how do you know that he said , well whenever we were out , people used to say

here comes Paddy with them 2 #rseholes ?

[tankie]

2 guys on a night out go back to one of their houses , when in the house one bloke says to the other ,, wahts that big gong by the wall for ??
other guys says , ahhh thats my speaking clock ,,huh ? how does it work he says , watch , and he gives it an ear shattering blast
The from the other side of the wall a voice could be heard screamimg

YOU #UCKIN #ANKER , WHAT DYA THIONK YA DOING , ITS 2,30 IN THE #UCKIN MORNIN:;)

[tankie]

A man was in court for murdering his wife with a large adjustable spanner after catching her with her lover , the judge read out the charge and said , how do you plead , when a voice at the back shouted ,You bastard, the judge looked up sternly but never said anything ,

He said you are also charged with murdering your wifes lover with a hammer ,, how do you plead .

the voice at the back said , YOU #UCKIN DIRTY BASTARD .

The judge looked up and said , right any more outbursts like that and i will hold you in contempt , i can understand your revulsion , but please no more or else

The voice at the back said , sorry sir , its just that i lived next door to him for 15 years , and whenever i wanted to borrow a spanner or a hammer , he said he didnt have one

[Parihaka]

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that
can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost $499 to $599 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always
complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[tankie]

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that
can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost $499 to $599 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always
complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[glyn]

Nature at work

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her
seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to
see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was
looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent
question, He replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
raised her
foot and stamped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of
that Brokeback-Mountain **** in our garden."

[sappersgt]

Keyboards are disgusting

[glyn]

Olympic Games - update

[COLOR="Navy"][/ NOTICE

2008 Olympics


President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not
participate in the next Summer Olympics.


He said that, "Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country
COLOR]

[glyn]

Olympic Games - update

[/ NOTICE

2008 Olympics


President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not
participate in the next Summer Olympics.


He said that, "Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country

[crooks]

What's the best thing about going on a date with a homeless girl?
















You can drop her off anywhere .

[RustyBattleship]

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME