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  • Originally posted by soutie View Post
    in a few months i am going to be an honoury grandfather one of the conditions is that i have to change diapers or nappies,if i can strip and LMG and put it back together again in 38 seconds blindfolded,i should be able to change a diaper
    Not quite the correct analogy. Try disarming a moving timebomb.


    • Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

      Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

      God said, "Ah, yes."

      "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

      1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
      2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
      3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
      4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
      5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

      "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

      The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."


      • A guy is having sex with a girl. He stops suddenly and says, "honey, can you spread your legs wider?" Not a problem, she does, and they continue. A few minutes later he stops short and says, "maybe just a little wider?" Now she's thinking WTF, but complies and they continue. After just a few seconds he freezes again and says, "baby, could you spread 'em wider?" Upset now, she says, "what the ****, are you trying to get your balls in too?" "No", the man replied, "trying to get them out..."
        No man is free until all men are free - John Hossack
        I agree completely with this Administrationís goal of a regime change in Iraq-John Kerry
        even if that enforcement is mostly at the hands of the United States, a right we retain even if the Security Council fails to act-John Kerry
        He may even miscalculate and slide these weapons off to terrorist groups to invite them to be a surrogate to use them against the United States. Itís the miscalculation that poses the greatest threat-John Kerry


        • A guy having sex with a big fat bird , he was screaming and going at like a jackhammer , when he asked the girl if he could turn the light out ?

          She said why , dya think im big,ugly and FAT ?

          No he says , im burning my arse on it
          Last edited by tankie; 08 May 07,, 12:55.


          • Revenge

            A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street
            dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

            He came up to the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked
            on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and
            asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the
            women inside.

            I have the money to buy it and I'm not leaving until I get it."

            The Madam figured, why not?, so she told him to come in.

            Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

            He asked,"Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

            Of course the Madam said "No".

            The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get
            shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."

            Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for
            it,the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

            He headed down the hall, dragging the squashed frog behind him.

            Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the
            Madam, and headed out the door.

            The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl
            in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

            He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my
            parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home
            with a baby-sitter.

            After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she
            just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get
            the disease that I just caught.

            When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home.

            On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

            Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go
            to bed and have sex and Mum will catch it.

            In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the
            milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease,
            "and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!"
            Semper in excretum. Solum profunda variat.


            • A Semi-Religious Joke

              Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
              swimming around in the sea - one called Justin & the other called

              The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by sharks that
              inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm
              fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't
              have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious Cod appeared
              & said, "Your wish is granted" & lo & behold, Justin turned into a
              shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being
              eaten by his old mate.

              Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark
              boring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he
              came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing
              appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone
              one day he saw the large mysterious Cod again & he thought perhaps the
              mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

              He approached the Cod & begged to be changed back, & lo & behold, he
              found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny
              little eyes Justin swam back to his friends & bought them all a
              cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he
              couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at
              home, still distraught that you, his best friend changed sides to the
              enemy & became a shark"; came the reply. Eager to put things right
              again & end the mutual pain & torture, he set off to Christian's

              As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on
              the door & shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out & see
              me again." Christian replied," No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a
              shark, the enemy, & I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
              Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed"

              "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".
              Semper in excretum. Solum profunda variat.


              • Originally posted by glyn View Post
                "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".
                That was SO bad it was actually funny. Are you a fan of Frank Carson by chance Glyn?


                • The Sportsmans Double

                  He pulled an older woman at a club last night.

                  She was a right sort for 57, so they drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she
                  asked if he'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter

                  The man said no.

                  They drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was his lucky night.

                  He went back to her place.

                  She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:

                  "Mum you still awake?"
                  Semper in excretum. Solum profunda variat.


                  • Originally posted by execrable View Post
                    That was SO bad it was actually funny. Are you a fan of Frank Carson by chance Glyn?


                    • The zipper (US) or zip (rest of English speaking world)

                      In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young
                      woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.
                      As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on,
                      she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow
                      her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

                      Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
                      she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking
                      that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
                      She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

                      So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
                      her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
                      attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin,
                      she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver,
                      she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again
                      was unable to take the step.

                      About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
                      picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on
                      the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the
                      would-be Samaritan and screeched,
                      "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know you!"

                      The Texan smiled and drawled, "We ll, ma'am, normally I
                      would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times,
                      I kinda figured we was friends."
                      Semper in excretum. Solum profunda variat.


                      • Originally posted by execrable View Post
                        That was SO bad it was actually funny. Are you a fan of Frank Carson by chance Glyn?
                        Ah! It's the way he tells them!
                        Semper in excretum. Solum profunda variat.


                        • Two Irishmen were looking up at a flagpole and scratching their heads , when a blond girl walked by and asked what the problem was ,bejazus paddy 1 says we have to get the height of this flagpole but we havent got a ladder .

                          Blond takes out a small spanner from her handbag ??????? and undoes 2 bolts ,lays it flat and uses a tape she just happened to have as well ,she declares it to be 18 ft 6 inches .

                          Typical says paddy 2 we asked for the height and she gives us the length :)


                          • There is a moral to this story

                            This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear, a Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

                            There is a moral to this story...... (Maybe not the one most of you expect)

                            So, read on!

                            In the middle of summer a fly was resting among leaves on the bank of a stream where it entered a lake. The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

                            There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly comes down just three inches, I can eat him."

                            There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches that fish will
                            jump for the fly... and I can grab the fish!!"

                            It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.... "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

                            Now, you probably think this is enough activity on the bank of a stream and a lake, but I can tell you there's more.........

                            An unseen wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish.. the hunter will probably shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

                            A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular stream and lake around lunch time), "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches.. and that fish jumps for that fly .. and that bear grabs for that fish... and that hunter shoots that bear.. and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich..... Then I can have mouse for lunch."

                            Eventually the poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
                            The fish jumps, catches and swallows the fly... the bear grabs the fish.. the hunter shoots the bear.. the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... the cat jumps for the mouse.. the mouse ducks... the cat falls into the water and drowns.

                            NOW, The Moral Of The Story .........

                            Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
                            Some ***** is gonna be in serious danger.
                            Semper in excretum. Solum profunda variat.


                            • A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather have a job."

                              The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just
                              got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
                              You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours,meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $90,000 a year."

                              The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bull(censored)in' me!"

                              The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."
                              Reddite igitur quae sunt Caesaris Caesari et quae sunt Dei Deo
                              (Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's and unto God the things which are God's)


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