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  • Originally posted by tankie View Post
    How many male chauvanist pigs does it take to clean a ####house?


    none

    ITS A WOMANS JOB
    Clap........Clap..........Clap.

    Comment


    • Originally posted by Julie View Post
      Clap........Clap..........Clap.

      Thats what you catch from an uncleaned Hamburg toilet seat
      Last edited by tankie; 24 Apr 07,, 13:54.

      Comment


      • Originally posted by tankie View Post
        Thats what you catch from an uncleand Hamburg toilet seat
        And Eric the Unclean should know,he's been to Hamburg on many an occasion

        Comment


        • Originally posted by dave lukins View Post
          And Eric the Unclean should know,he's been to Hamburg on many an occasion
          I found Kiel was better tho, a much classier type that could outdrink/outfight the SAS , and crush a walnut twixt thighs

          Comment


          • Dark in Here

            A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.


            Her 9-year old son (named Simon) comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.


            She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.


            The little boy says, "Dark in here."


            The man says, "Yes, it is."


            Boy - "I have a football."


            Man - "That's nice."


            Boy - "Want to buy it?"


            Man - "No, thanks."


            Boy - "My dad's outside."


            Man - "OK, how much?"


            Boy - "250"


            In the next few weeks, it happens again and the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.


            Boy - "Dark in here."


            Man - "Yes, it is."


            Boy - "I have football boots."


            The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"


            Boy - "750"


            Man - "Sold."


            A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.


            The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."


            The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"


            Boy -"1,000."


            The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

            That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."


            They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.


            The boy says, "Dark in here."


            The priest says, "Don't start that sh!t again. You're in my cupboard now"
            Semper in excretum. Solum profunda variat.

            Comment


            • An old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

              He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

              __________________________________________________ _______________

              A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at Lakeside Mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

              The boy asked his Father "What is this Father?". The Father responded "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"

              While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.

              The Father said to his son "Go get your Mother".



              __________________________________________________ ______

              A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

              The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having nightmares with you, and you'r not a good husband." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

              She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.

              She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."

              The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

              The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."

              She asks, "What's that?"

              The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag."


              __________________________________________________ ___________
              The greatest instrument of moral good is the imagination.

              Comment


              • The Worlds Most Powerful Liquid

                A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking
                it up and watching the bubbles.
                A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
                The little boy replied,
                "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

                The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.
                If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's
                belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

                The little boy replied,
                "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass
                and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
                Semper in excretum. Solum profunda variat.

                Comment


                • Top 45 Oxymorons

                  Top 45 Oxymorons

                  45. Act naturally
                  44. Found missing
                  43. Resident alien
                  42. Advanced BASIC
                  41. Genuine imitation
                  40. Airline Food
                  39. Good grief
                  38. Same difference
                  37. Almost exactly
                  36. Government organization
                  35. Sanitary landfill
                  34. Alone together
                  33. Legally drunk
                  32. Silent scream
                  31. Living dead
                  30. Small crowd
                  29. Business ethics
                  28. Soft rock
                  27. Butt Head
                  26. Military Intelligence
                  25. Software documentation
                  24. New classic
                  23. Sweet sorrow 22. Childproof
                  21. "Now, then ..."
                  20. Synthetic natural gas
                  19. Passive aggression
                  18. Taped live
                  17. Clearly misunderstood
                  16. Peace force
                  15. Extinct Life
                  14. Temporary tax increase
                  13. Computer jock
                  12. Plastic glasses
                  11. Terribly pleased
                  10. Computer security
                  9. Political science
                  8. Tight slacks
                  7. Definite maybe
                  6. Pretty ugly
                  5. Twelve ounce pound cake
                  4. Diet ice cream
                  3. Working vacation
                  2. Exact estimate
                  1. Microsoft Works
                  Semper in excretum. Solum profunda variat.

                  Comment


                  • Meaningful Hymns:

                    The Dentist's Hymn: > Crown Him with Many Crowns
                    The Weatherman's Hymn: > There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
                    The Contractor's Hymn: > The Church's One Foundation
                    The Tailor's Hymn: > Holy, Holy, Holy
                    The Golfer's Hymn: > There's a Green Hill Far Away
                    The Politician's Hymn: > Standing on the Promises
                    The Optometrist's Hymn: > Open My Eyes That I Might See
                    The IRS Agent's Hymn: > I Surrender All
                    The Gossip's Hymn: > Pass It On
                    The Electrician's Hymn: > Send The Light
                    The Shopper's Hymn: > Sweet By and By
                    The Realtor's Hymn: > I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
                    The Massage Therapist's Hymn: > He Touched Me
                    The Doctor's Hymn: > The Great Physician

                    For those who speed on the highway:
                    > 45mph - God Will Take Care of You
                    > 55mph - Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
                    > 65mph - Nearer My God To Thee
                    > 75mph - Nearer Still Nearer
                    > 85mph - This World Is Not My Home
                    > 95mph - Lord, I'm Coming Home
                    > Over 100mph - Precious Memories

                    Comment


                    • The navigators get a mention in 'Abide with me' = Point me to the sky........
                      Semper in excretum. Solum profunda variat.

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by glyn View Post
                        Top 45 Oxymorons

                        45. Act naturally
                        44. Found missing
                        43. Resident alien
                        42. Advanced BASIC
                        41. Genuine imitation
                        40. Airline Food
                        39. Good grief
                        38. Same difference
                        37. Almost exactly
                        36. Government organization
                        35. Sanitary landfill
                        34. Alone together
                        33. Legally drunk
                        32. Silent scream
                        31. Living dead
                        30. Small crowd
                        29. Business ethics
                        28. Soft rock
                        27. Butt Head
                        26. Military Intelligence
                        25. Software documentation
                        24. New classic
                        23. Sweet sorrow 22. Childproof
                        21. "Now, then ..."
                        20. Synthetic natural gas
                        19. Passive aggression
                        18. Taped live
                        17. Clearly misunderstood
                        16. Peace force
                        15. Extinct Life
                        14. Temporary tax increase
                        13. Computer jock
                        12. Plastic glasses
                        11. Terribly pleased
                        10. Computer security
                        9. Political science
                        8. Tight slacks
                        7. Definite maybe
                        6. Pretty ugly
                        5. Twelve ounce pound cake
                        4. Diet ice cream
                        3. Working vacation
                        2. Exact estimate
                        1. Microsoft Works
                        Ahhhh, wonderful sir!

                        I'm terribly pleased with this joke. Microsoft is pretty ugly. In a world without walls and fences, we would have no need for windows and gates.
                        "you have enemies, good. That means you stood up for something, sometime in your life"

                        Comment


                        • Maths Simplified

                          1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter Eskimo Pi.

                          2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

                          3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microScope

                          4. Time between slipping on a peel & hitting the ground = 1 bananosecond

                          5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram.

                          6. Time it takes to sail 220 yds at 1 nautical mile/hr = Knotfurlong

                          7. 16.5 ft in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod

                          8. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

                          9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurt

                          10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

                          11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

                          12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

                          13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

                          14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

                          15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

                          16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

                          17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

                          18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

                          19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

                          20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

                          21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

                          22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

                          23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

                          24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

                          25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

                          26. 4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing = 1 IV league

                          27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
                          Semper in excretum. Solum profunda variat.

                          Comment


                          • glyn

                            what can I say
                            The greatest instrument of moral good is the imagination.

                            Comment


                            • a couple who have been married go back to the original resturante for their 40 th weeding anniversary,the husband
                              do u remember what we ate yes she replies ,do you remember what we did after we ate ,yes she replies,i feel kinda horny she says ,off they go behind the resturante and start doing the wild thing by the fence,in the mean time someone who overheard them talking decided to take a peek what he saw amazed him they where really going at it ,after doing the deed they staggered away from the fence back to the bar,he says to them i cannot believe afetr 40 years of marraige you can still do that ,neither did we 40 years ago that fence was not electrified

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by standoh View Post
                                glyn

                                what can I say
                                Oh, say nothing :) but don't forget to send the banknotes!
                                Semper in excretum. Solum profunda variat.

                                Comment

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