Al-Qaeda offered charter school contract

[Parihaka]

Al-Qaeda offered charter school contract after showing proficiency in training New Zealanders

Prime Minister John Key has revealed that due to al-Qaeda’s success training New Zealanders for operations in its overseas camps, the terrorist organisation has been chosen to run one of the country’s first charter schools.

In a More FM interview earlier today, Key said that “there are people who’ve been trained for al-Qaeda camps who operate out of New Zealand, who are in contact with people overseas, who have gone off to Yemen and other countries to train.”

In a later interview with The Breeze, Key revealed that this past success had led to the Government endorsing al-Qaeda’s application to run a charter school.

“Yeah, well, look, we’ve been looking very carefully at all the applications from organisations looking to run charter schools, and you might say it’s been a mixed bag,” he said. “But al-Qaeda presented us with someone that not a whole lot of other groups did, and that was a very clear, regimented model that feels like it’ll produce some real outcomes for kiwi kids.”

The Government has chosen the North Island town of Levin as the site for al-Qaeda’s charter school due to its relative lack of anything to interfere with.

“Nothing really happens there,” said Key. “I only ever hear about it on the weather.”

The Ministry of Education this afternoon released a statement trying to allay parents’ fears about the new charter school, saying that al-Qaeda would try to focus not so much on “carrying out jihad against the decadent non-believers,” but more on core learning outcomes such as reading, writing, mathematics, and structural, chemical, and biological engineering.

The statement reaffirmed that Destiny Church’s unsuccessful application to open a charter school would not be revisited, as their platform was “simply too extreme.”

An al-Qaeda spokesperson was asked for comment on the new school, but replied in Arabic, so nobody could understand what he said.

[Mihais]

Let me try a wild guess.The Civilian is Kiwi for The Onion?

[Dreadnought]

They already have one. The University of dumb ass low lifes with no future in the modern world.;)

[Parihaka]

Let me try a wild guess.The Civilian is Kiwi for The Onion?

Yep. There is talk of a Civilian political party. One can but hope :)

[GVChamp]

I actually wouldn't feel too bad about this.

Note, I live in Chicago, so the CPS graduates are more dangerous than Al Qaeda. Would probably be an improvement!

[Bigfella]

Given the sort of religious nutters who are able to get government funding for their brainwashing factories in Australia I wouldn't fall over with surprise if something like this happened. Kudos to the Citizen for its sense of humour.

[Parihaka]

Given the sort of religious nutters who are able to get government funding for their brainwashing factories in Australia I wouldn't fall over with surprise if something like this happened. Kudos to the Citizen for its sense of humour.

Then you may like this

After weeks of speculation, Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has finally announced the date of the upcoming federal election, saying it was yesterday.

In a televised speech, Mr. Rudd told the nation that an election would be – and was in fact – held on Sunday, August 4th, 2013.

“This afternoon I visited the Governor General,” announced Rudd, “and her Excellency has accepted, on my advice, that an election be held yesterday.

“The time has come and gone for the Australian people to decide on our nation’s future. This election will have been about who Australia trusted to lead it through the new economic challenges which now lie before us.

“The Australian people will be and have been asked to choose between a positive, forward-looking government and an Abbott-led government led by Tony Abbott.”

“Tony Abbott is the leader of the Liberal Party and the Coalition,” he added.

Rudd said that he would’ve liked to announce the date sooner, but it was a weekend and he’s been quite busy adjusting to a new job.

Leader of the Opposition Tony Abbott – whose name was mentioned in the Prime Minister’s speech a total of 47 times – did not respond directly to Mr. Rudd, but did release a statement following the speech.

“While this was not the election date we might have anticipated, the Liberal Party and the Coalition remain committed to contesting yesterday’s election,” read the statement. “We will be campaigning hard in the coming days to ensure that we secure all the votes that have already been cast for us.”

Sources close to Abbott have said the party still plans to go ahead with its month-long election campaign, as it had been planning for it for well over a year, and had already purchased a significant amount of billboard space around the country.

Several billboards were already being erected in Brisbane, featuring Tony Abbott’s face next to the slogan “If only we’d known it was yesterday.”

While official election results are not set to be released until later this week, the Australian Electoral Commission said that a total of one votes were cast. It is widely believed that vote belonged to Mr. Rudd.

Due to Australian electoral law requiring every eligible citizen to vote, it is expected that the rest of the population will face a hefty fine for neglecting their civic duties, and Rudd hopes this will provide the revenue necessary for a large series of new policy initiatives.

Mr. Rudd said now that an election had been held, the bitter division of the past few years could be left to heal, and Australia could “get on with the important business of losing the Ashes.”