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One man's view of American History....excuse me. 'Murican History.

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  • One man's view of American History....excuse me. 'Murican History.

    A Brief History of ‘Murica: Ranger Up Style


    By Rob

    Updated: August 28, 2013






















    By Mr. Twisted

    A really long time ago: Peoples of various colors, shapes, and sizes traveled to the American continent via land bridges, boats, and buffalo rides. Europeans showed up, claimed it as their own and named everyone an Indian.

    1607: John Smith founded the town of Jameson and made a lot of great Irish whiskey, which helped prevent the settlers from eating one another, but failed to thwart several generations of young girls from wanting to be Pocahontas.

    1698: Pensacola, Florida was founded by the Spanish. Within days they had a naval base set up and traveled an hour east for an endless parade of girls in bikinis, beer bongs, and watered down Kamikazes. After a week-long drunk, they woke up and named the place “Panama City.”

    1754: Robert Rogers kicks some serious ass in a war that sets the stage for ‘Murica figuring out that the English tea and crumpets bit is getting a little stale.

    1763-1775: Adhering to what was apparently a bestselling book among royalty, the British based all of its strategy during this time on a book entitled “How to Lose an Entire Continent in Two Decades or Less.” Given the popularity of legislation like The Sugar Act, The Stamp Act, and the Quartering Act, this book must have been a real page turner. The people of Boston were especially impressed.

    1776-1782:


    Any Questions?

    1789-1792: The Constitution and Bill of Rights were written and immediately attacked by someone majoring in Gender Studies at Berkeley as being “fascist.” George Washington was elected President and proceeded to start clubbing hippies. Also, to prove that “big government” advocates are not a new thing of the modern era, Alexander Hamilton existed at this time.

    1803: The United States purchases Mardi Gras.

    1804: In possibly the greatest political debate of all time, Vice President Aaron Burr shot and killed Alexander Hamilton in a duel. It took a while for the duel to actually happen because the moderator, Bill O’Reilly, kept interrupting to tell everyone they were stupid. Meanwhile, MSNBC’s Chris Matthews and Rachel Maddow wept profusely and offered zero worthwhile commentary.

    1812-1814: The War of 1812, AKA the Revolutionary War Part II, got Washington D.C. burned down but produced a wicked good national anthem by a guitar player named Jimi Hendrix.

    1836: Mexican General Antonio Lopez de Santa Ana marches his army way out of its way to see the premier of the new John Wayne movie called “The Alamo,” which opened exclusively in San Antonio.

    1836: Though several millennia earlier God had already created man, it took until 1836 for Samuel Colt to make them equal.

    1837: Texas is recognized as a Republic. 5 minutes later Texans build a stadium and claim that theirs is “America’s Team.” Bostonians mumble something about their “feckin’ Pats” and no one else in the country can understand a word either party says.

    1846: The Mexican-American War kicks off for the purpose of giving historians something to endlessly debate for generations to come but with no real answer other than “California!”

    1854-1860: Stay with me because this is going to be messy: The Kansas-Nebraska Act passed, essentially pissing off the whole country. Penn State began with Joe Paterno and one teacher. Dred Scott v. Sandford proved that the US Supreme Court was unconscious. Mormons went to war with settlers in Utah Territory (Dum dum dum dum dum). John Brown raids the Harper’s Ferry, guys start riding Ponies to give people messages instead of texting them, Abraham Lincoln is elected President, and South Carolina gives a giant middle finger to the whole show.

    1861-1865: War is hell.

    1879: Thomas Edison makes the first light bulb, though many argue that Tesla was far ahead of Edison. Except in making cars, that is—everyone who watches Top Gear knows that those things are terrible.

    1898: Theodore Roosevelt resigns his post as Assistant Secretary of the Navy and becomes commander of the Rough Riders in the Spanish-American War. Stop and ask yourself, can you imagine some bureaucrat doing that today?

    1901: After the assassination of President McKinley, Roosevelt becomes President, makes some awesome speeches, and continues to wrestle and get punched in the face for fun.


    1903: Wilbur Wright won a coin toss to earn the right to be the first man to say “Hold my beer and watch this”. He then proceeded to crash the Wright Flyer that he and his brother had built. After three days of repairs, having learned from his brother’s mistake, Orville Wright skipped the brew and managed controlled, sustained heavier than air flight for the first time.
    1911: In the true spirit of American awesomeness, just three years after the first Ford Model T appeared on the market, the Indianapolis 500 was invented to put these new-fangled horseless carriages to the test against one another. It’s not enough to invent things; we must make them fast enough to beat the things the guy next door has.

    1917: Discovering that hurling bodies at machine guns is not as good of a tactic as once thought, the United States Army rethinks its approach to battlefield operations and saves Europe.

    1919: Alcohol is bad, mmmmkay?

    1929: Sell, sell, sell!!!

    1933: Running with the idea that government can solve a bad economy, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt pushes the New Deal forward and solves absolutely nothing at all.

    1933: Alcohol is GREAT!

    1939: Disney releases the first full-length animated film, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Hitler’s Germany invades Poland shortly after. Now try telling me there aren’t secret messages in that movie.

    1941: Instead of building themselves into an industrious nation, Japan opts for the “wake the sleeping giant” mode of country building. America responds in kind.

    1942: USA: “I’ll see your Pearl Harbor and I’ll raise you a Midway, Guadalcanal, and a Manhattan Project. I call.”

    1944: USA: “Oh, man…those Germans are tough. I don’t know what we’ll do… Haha. Just kidding. Send in George S. Freakin’ Patton. Problem solved.”

    1945: The United States wins the largest war the world has ever seen. Veterans come home and start making babies like it’s an Olympic sport.

    1950: Everyone is a communist, except the ones who actually are and nobody notices. So we invade Korea.

    1950: Battle of Chosin Reservoir. See also: Webster’s definition of “colder than a fart in a dead Eskimo.”

    1955: In a vast conspiracy to make America fat and their children more whiny, top secret government agents open the first McDonald’s.

    1960: U2 shot down over Russia, US Government opts to not rescue the pilot because everyone thought “Rattle & Hum” was too pretentious.

    1963: President Kennedy’s assassination was staged by Russian alien mobsters whose agenda included making “Bewitched” seem like good television and controlling us with beat nick poetry. Both were thwarted by the superb Clint Eastwood vehicle “Rawhide.”

    1964: President Lyndon B. Johnson: “We are not going to send American boys nine or ten thousand miles away from home to do what Asian boys ought to be doing for themselves.”

    1965: President Lyndon B. Johnson: “So, uhh… remember what I was saying last year? Uhh, well, gee….”

    1968: The true beginning of American media douchebaggery. The Tet Offensive, a US military victory, is portrayed in the news as one of hopelessness and that we are mired in a “quagmire.” Thanks, Walter Cronkite!

    1969: You know that giant ball of rock in OUTER FRIGGIN’ SPACE? Yeah, we walked on it. Suck it, communism!

    1980: Hockey? Sure, we can beat you at that as well, Ivan.

    1981: Attempted assassination of President Ronald Reagan. After being shoved in the presidential limo, Reagan told the Secret Service agent, “get the f@#% off of me!” (no lie, that’s actually a true story).

    1990-1992: Hubble Space Telescope launched by Space Shuttle Discovery, Iraq wisely invades Kuwait (because everyone loves Kuwait!), coalition forces make short work of that and stop too soon; Los Angeles erupts in riots over Rodney “can’t we all just get along” King; Bill Clinton is elected to use cigars inappropriately; and yours truly, Mr. Twisted, graduates from a very small school in the middle of nowhere and begins his walkabout, which includes world travel, Jedi Knight School, and landing a sweet gig at the greatest Veteran business on the planet.

    ‘Murica!
    “Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.”
    Mark Twain

  • #2
    Originally posted by Albany Rifles View Post
    A Brief History of ‘Murica: Ranger Up Style
    Seems legit
    “Never let yourself be persuaded that any one Great Man, any one leader, is necessary to the salvation of America. When America consists of one leader and 158 million followers, it will no longer be America.”
    ― Dwight D. Eisenhower

    Comment


    • #3
      I lol'ed so loud, neighbors came in to check my sanity.
      No such thing as a good tax - Churchill

      To make mistakes is human. To blame someone else for your mistake, is strategic.

      Comment


      • #4
        Now, where does BAYWATCH fits into this?

        Comment


        • #5
          “can’t we all just get along”
          Why was this quote so famous and so mocked? Rodney King was trying to stop the riots, a charitable and noble thing to do considering his circumstances. Why was he mocked for it?

          Can anyone tell me why? I am just curious.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Blademaster View Post
            Why was this quote so famous and so mocked? Rodney King was trying to stop the riots, a charitable and noble thing to do considering his circumstances. Why was he mocked for it?

            Can anyone tell me why? I am just curious.
            Just my opinion, but...

            Rodney King was a pretty...shall we say "marginal" citizen. Certainly for the death and destruction that caused, supposedly on his behalf.

            His rambling appeal for us to all just get along was being delivered by the wrong guy....most especially given his behavior after that.
            Last edited by TopHatter; 05 Sep 13,, 00:02.
            “Never let yourself be persuaded that any one Great Man, any one leader, is necessary to the salvation of America. When America consists of one leader and 158 million followers, it will no longer be America.”
            ― Dwight D. Eisenhower

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Blademaster View Post
              Why was this quote so famous and so mocked? Rodney King was trying to stop the riots, a charitable and noble thing to do considering his circumstances. Why was he mocked for it?

              Can anyone tell me why? I am just curious.
              You had to be there. No seriously, you really did. There are some wonderfully apocryphal stories that came out of South Central Los Angeles and why one should be very careful about what one asks Marines to do when they are providing support to the LAPD. It seems some police officers were going to take down a reported, but not verified sniper in a two-story building, and they told the Marines to, you know, "Cover us." Bad idea. A Marine Corps Infantry Major who was there was in my War College seminar and he allowed as how by the time they got my boys to stop shooting, there wasn't much of a building left for a sniper to hide in.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Albany Rifles View Post
                1854-1860: Stay with me because this is going to be messy: The Kansas-Nebraska Act passed, essentially pissing off the whole country. Penn State began with Joe Paterno and one teacher. Dred Scott v. Sandford proved that the US Supreme Court was unconscious. Mormons went to war with settlers in Utah Territory (Dum dum dum dum dum). John Brown raids the Harper’s Ferry, guys start riding Ponies to give people messages instead of texting them, Abraham Lincoln is elected President, and South Carolina gives a giant middle finger to the whole show.
                Quite possibly the funniest South Park episode ever (said the man who lives in a town with not one, but three temples)!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by desertswo View Post
                  You had to be there. No seriously, you really did. There are some wonderfully apocryphal stories that came out of South Central Los Angeles and why one should be very careful about what one asks Marines to do when they are providing support to the LAPD. It seems some police officers were going to take down a reported, but not verified sniper in a two-story building, and they told the Marines to, you know, "Cover us." Bad idea. A Marine Corps Infantry Major who was there was in my War College seminar and he allowed as how by the time they got my boys to stop shooting, there wasn't much of a building left for a sniper to hide in.
                  And in my humble opinion, I think that is the right move by the Marines. When you see the Marines arrive, you really know that the shit has gone from worst to hell and you just better roll up and pucker up your ass and hope to god that the Marines ignore you and you can slinker away for good.

                  When Marines are called in, everybody better run for cover or they will eat steel shit.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Blademaster View Post
                    And in my humble opinion, I think that is the right move by the Marines. When you see the Marines arrive, you really know that the shit has gone from worst to hell and you just better roll up and pucker up your ass and hope to god that the Marines ignore you and you can slinker away for good.

                    When Marines are called in, everybody better run for cover or they will eat steel shit.
                    Yeah, but the cops would tell you all about this pesky thing called "due process."

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by desertswo View Post
                      Yeah, but the cops would tell you all about this pesky thing called "due process."
                      It was due process when they called them. After USMC arrived...
                      No such thing as a good tax - Churchill

                      To make mistakes is human. To blame someone else for your mistake, is strategic.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by desertswo View Post
                        Yeah, but the cops would tell you all about this pesky thing called "due process."
                        When Marines are called in, there are no due process because it became a casualty in the shitstorm that necessitated calling in the Marines the very same way as truth/justice becomes the first casualty in war.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by AlbanyRifles
                          1698: Pensacola, Florida was founded by the Spanish. Within days they had a naval base set up and traveled an hour east for an endless parade of girls in bikinis, beer bongs, and watered down Kamikazes. After a week-long drunk, they woke up and named the place “Panama City.”
                          Spewed coffee on the monitor.

                          He nailed this one.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by desertswo View Post
                            You had to be there. No seriously, you really did. There are some wonderfully apocryphal stories that came out of South Central Los Angeles and why one should be very careful about what one asks Marines to do when they are providing support to the LAPD. It seems some police officers were going to take down a reported, but not verified sniper in a two-story building, and they told the Marines to, you know, "Cover us." Bad idea. A Marine Corps Infantry Major who was there was in my War College seminar and he allowed as how by the time they got my boys to stop shooting, there wasn't much of a building left for a sniper to hide in.
                            I can verify this story as being true. A very good friend of mine took part in this incident.

                            Comment

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