Military Jokes!

[RustyBattleship]

An Army Private and an Army General were both in the base barber shop getting haircuts.

The barber cutting the General's hair was finishing up and asked if he would like some lotion.

The General answered, "Heavens no. That crushed lilac lotion would make my wife think I had been to a house of ill repute".

The other barber also was just finishing up on the Private and asked if he would like some lotion.

The Private answered, "Sure. Use all you want. My wife doesn't know what a house of ill repute smells like".

[Chogy]

The "Oreo Cookie Story"... This next is supposedly true:


The first time the Air Force sent me on temporary duty by myself, I experienced probably the most embarrassing moment in my life, which I tell here in hopes that other butter bars out there won't make the same mistake.

I was traveling from Wright-Patterson AFB, OH to Vandenberg AFB, CA one Spring, and the flight scheduled me for a two-hour layover in the St. Louis, MO airport. I decided to hit the snack bar and bought a cup of coffee, a package of Oreos and a newspaper. After giving the cashier the nine bucks or so these items cost, I scanned the crowded sitting area for a place to relax.

The lounge was crowded, but there appeared to be a spot across from a fellow in a military uniform of some sort. "Great!" I thought, "another soldier. Maybe he can tell me about life in the forces..."

With my coffee on the right side of the table, my newspaper on the left and my Oreos in the center, I sat down before I took my first close look at the man opposite me. He was a Marine Corps Brigadier General - a mean-looking man with no hair, a real-life scar on his forehead and about six rows of ribbons, including the Silver Star with a cluster. To me, the General had horns, fangs, a pitchfork and a long pointed tail as well.

I was already committed to using the table, but not wanting to bother the General, I meekly squeaked out, "Good morning, sir," before sitting down.

I had begun the paper's crossword puzzle and was making good progress when I heard a peculiar rustling sound, much like the crinkling of cellophane.

I looked up out of the corner of my eye to discover the General had reached across the center of the table, opened the package of Oreos, taken out one and was eating it. Now, not having attended the Air Force Academy, I was not familiar with how to deal with the finer points of military etiquette, such as what to do when a senior member of another service calmly rips off one of your cookies. Several responses came to mind, but none of these seemed entirely appropriate.

I realized that the honor of the Air Force was, in a small way, at stake here. I certainly couldn't let the General think I was a complete weenie. Besides, at airport prices, one Oreo is a significant fraction of take-home pay for a second lieutenant. The only response I could make was to reach across the center of the table, open the opposite end of the package (trying not to notice that the other end had mysteriously come open somehow), extract an Oreo and eat it very, very thoroughly.

"There," I thought, "I've subtly shown the general that these are my Oreos, and he should go buy his own."

Marines are known for many qualities, but subtlety is not among them. The General calmly reached out for another Oreo and ate it. (By the way, the General was licking the middles out first before eating the cookies.) Not having said anything the first time, of course, I couldn't bring it up then.

The only thing to do was to take another cookie for myself. We wound up alternating through the entire package. For an instant our eyes met, and there was palpable tension in the air, but neither of us said a word.

After I had finished the last Oreo, they announced something over the public address system. The General got up, put his papers back into his briefcase, picked up the now empty wrapper, threw it away, brushed the few crumbs neatly off the table and left. I sat there marvelling at his gall and feeling very foolish.

A few minutes later, they announced my flight.

I felt a great deal more foolish when I finished my coffee, threw the cup away and lifted my newspaper to reveal *my* Oreos!

[Knaur Amarsh]

The "Oreo Cookie Story"... This next is supposedly true:

Iv heard that one many years ago, minus the AF and Marine thingy.

Nah, scratch that, come to think of it, I actually read it in a storybook IIRC.

[zraver]

An old WWII vet dies and goes to heaven. Once there he meets St Paul and St Peter and an endless sea of clocks. He asks, what are those clocks? St Paul replies, those are mens lives and how much time they have left. As the old vet watches he sees one clock suddenly spin around several times and he points this out. Oh, he just cheated on his wife and lost a couple of days. Another clock goes backward as the person did a good deed. The old vet is amazed until he sees one clock in the far corner spinning like crazy. What is that guy the old vet asks pointing out the clock. Oh, him, St peter chuckles, that a private in the Army, we use him as a fan in the summer.

[Knaur Amarsh]

An OC I was at dinner with day before yesterday told me 2IC's are like mushrooms, to be kept in the dark and fed with shit :))