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Military Jokes!

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  • Military Jokes!

    Strangers on a train
    Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her Sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
    As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
    In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
    The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
    The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
    The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
    The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a wonderful world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"
    Originally posted by GVChamp
    College students are very, very, very dumb. But that's what you get when the government subsidizes children to sit in the middle of a corn field to drink alcohol and fuck.

  • #2
    American Soldier, British Manners
    An American GI, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was right next to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
    The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
    The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
    The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
    The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
    The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
    The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong ***** out the window."
    Originally posted by GVChamp
    College students are very, very, very dumb. But that's what you get when the government subsidizes children to sit in the middle of a corn field to drink alcohol and fuck.


    • #3
      Why Rednecks Make Good Soldiers
      Dear Ma & Pa:
      Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
      I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.
      Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
      We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
      The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.
      This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
      Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.

      Your loving daughter, Gail

      P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
      Originally posted by GVChamp
      College students are very, very, very dumb. But that's what you get when the government subsidizes children to sit in the middle of a corn field to drink alcohol and fuck.


      • #4
        Why are all Coastguardsmen required to be at least 6 feet tall? So they can walk to shore if their boat sinks.


        • #5
          A wizard is sitting on a hill when he sees an army special forces patrol paddling down the river very stealthily. He watched as thier even strokes and cat like focus as thier painted faces peered around looking for danger. Intrigued by thier focus he wondered what would happen if he stole half thier brain cells.

          ZAP... no noticeable change among the patrol,, so the wizard took another 1/4 of thier brain cells ZAP... no change.

          Finally the wizard took the last 1/4 of the groups brain cells

          ZAP... and suddenly singing erupted from the patrol...

          "from the halls of Montezuma..."

          What do marines and banannas have in common? They start out green, turn yellow and get cut down in bunches.

          How do they separate the men from the boys in the air force? With a crowbar.

          In the army is there anything more general than a private and more private than a general?


          • #6
            The Joint Chiefs of Staff were having an argument with each other about which of the services was the most valuable to the country. None of the Chiefs were willing to concede, and when the Pentagon's chaplain walked into the room, they asked him for divine guidance. The chaplain solemnly prayed for a sign from God as to His decision on the relative value of each service.

            Suddenly, a snow-white dove flew in the office window, landed on the Chairman's desk, and placed a piece of gold leaf in the his in-box. The chaplain picked it up, and read:

            "ALL of the services are valuable to the country. They ALL carry out My work of protecting the defenceless, freeing the enslaved and oppressed, and preserving the peace around the world. ALL of the services must work together, as none can do everything alone. And ALL of the services deserve my blessing and protection."


            God Almighty
            Cheif Master Sergeant, USAF (Ret.)


            • #7
              A Sgt Major was doing roll call one morning ,,,, tpr jones, here Sir ? trp jackson , here Sir? tpr Smith , here Sir ,,,, Sgt/M said oh smith , by the way your mother died last night , tpr mathews, here sir ??? The O/C called the Sgt/M into his office and said , that was a bit insensitive with Smith Sgt/M , try to use tact next time anything like this happens ?

              2 weeks later on the parade ground doing roll call again , the Sgt/M was about to do roll call , when he called out , right men , all those without Fathers , take one pace forward ??????? Smith , dont stand there ,that includes you


              • #8
                Women seems to like soldiers a lot more than pilots. Soldiers are 1st in, last out. Flyboys just like to play with their stick.


                • #9
                  A Private was standing at a snack machine at the PX/BX and was opening a bag of chips when a Captain walked up. The Captain pulled a dollar bill out of his pocket and fed it into the machine where it was spit back out. After several failed attempts, the Captain turned to the Private and asked, "Do you have change for a dollar?"

                  "Oh, yea, I do," replied the Private, who began fishing in his pocket.

                  "Excuse me, Private, is that how you address an Officer in the US Army? I don't think so, so lets try this again," said the Captain. "Do you have change for a dollar?"

                  The private immediately removed his hand from his right pocket where he was fishing for his change, snapped to the position of attention, offered a crisp salute and replied, "SIR, NO SIR!" and walked off.
                  "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage."


                  • #10
                    not a joke but true story .
                    In May 1945 a company-sized estonian unit moved around in Germany . No Germans were to be seen , Russians on one side , Allies on the other side . The Rus. were seen as ´unwanted contact´ , so it was decided to surrender to Allies . All men were lined up (with all their weapons ) and they all started to move to direction where the Allied were supposed to be . After ca. 20km. suddenly they met Americans - about half-company sized unit .
                    Well both parties stopped and officers of both sides moved on to discuss what will happen next . Unfortunately turned out that no Est. officers could speak English , only word they could come up was ´surrende!´
                    So the Est. officers moved towards americans and repeated loudly ´surrende ! surrende ! ´ , hoping the Amis would get the point and make it ´official´. To their surprise American officers reluctantly removed their pistols and the same did their troops and then all raised hands ....
                    It took a while until they got the message and finally blushing Americans picked up their weapons and escorted the estonians to captivity.
                    If i only was so smart yesterday as my wife is today

                    Minding your own biz is great virtue, but situation awareness saves lives - Dok


                    • #11
                      This one's for RustyBattleship & his ilk...

                      The U.S. Navy answers the question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

                      Naval Education and Training Command (NAVEDTRA): The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer.

                      Bureau of Naval Personnel (BUPERS): Due to the needs of the Navy, chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be 3-year unaccompanied tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for future promotion.

                      Naval Air Warfare Center (NAWC): This event will need confirmation; we need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and weather conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen within the parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they might cross thruways designated by some as "roads."

                      Commander-in-Chief, U.S. Naval Forces, Europe (CINCUSNAVEUR): The purpose is not important. What is important is that the chicken remained under the OPCON of COMSIXTHFLEET and did not CHOP to the theater on the other side of the road. Without Chopping, the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near perfect, real-time in-transit visibility.

                      Naval Intelligence: What chicken?

                      Naval Air Systems Command (NAVAIRSYSCOM): The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.

                      Space and Naval Warfare Systems Command (SPAWARSYSCOM): The "stovepipe" chickens of today will be replaced with a multi-function, supported, affordable, integrated and interoperable world-class chicken to warriors and supporting elements, enabling them to dominate the roads of today and tomorrow, as we move "Forward...From the Sea." Comptroller holds and corporate taxes, however, will require delay fielding for two years, unless Congressional plus-ups are approved.

                      NAVSEASYSCOM's Chicken Systems Program Office (PMS400CSPO): In a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. The CSPO helped the chicken change to continue meeting its mission. However, the actual crossing of the road has not occurred due to the number of action items still open from the meeting.

                      P.S. Four Seamen walked into a bar--the Army Soldiers following after them ducked... ;)
                      If you know the enemy and yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles. - Sun Tzu


                      • #12
                        & just to be fair to the rest of us uniformed "Yanks":

                        The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)

                        1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

                        2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

                        3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

                        4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

                        5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

                        6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

                        7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

                        8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

                        9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

                        10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

                        11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

                        12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

                        13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

                        14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

                        15. Quartermaster: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

                        16. C-17 Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.

                        17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

                        18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

                        19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

                        20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

                        21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

                        22. MinuteMan Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

                        23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

                        24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

                        25. Signal: Tries to communicate with repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate. Signal Officer informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to video-conference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, *****es, and takes credit. In the end, General Dynamics and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the 2 smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake is forgotten.

                        Military Humor - The Snake Theory
                        If you know the enemy and yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles. - Sun Tzu


                        • #13
                          ASK A GREEN BERET

                          By Lt. Ryan Killmore,
                          Green Beret

                          Dear Green Beret,
                          My boyfriend was laid off from his job a few weeks back. Ever since cashing his severance check, all he does is sit around and watch TV while I work to support us both. I know unemployment has undermined his confidence, but I'm not his mother! How do I get him out of the house and looking for work?
                          —Peeved In Palmyra
                          Dear Peeved,
                          Make sure you sever both the carotid artery and jugular vein while piercing the windpipe, and press hard against the larynx. Killing silently is a tall order, but a quick look at an anatomy chart will show that the larynx is an easy enough target—providing you can make a stealthy approach, sneak up on your victim, and catch him unaware. Once that's accomplished, grasp his hair as close to the scalp as you're able to and yank his head back while using your Ka-Bar combat knife to make a lateral cut across his throat, as it is a tough, rubbery piece of tissue.
                          Dear Green Beret,
                          I am a happily married man with a warm and loving wife who is also my best friend. We've been together for 17 years and couldn't be happier. But lately she says she wants separate beds. I'm reeling! We're barely in our 40s, and in my mind separate sleeping is for seniors. Am I making too much of this? Help!
                          —Anxious In Andersonville
                          Dear Anxious,
                          Destroying a bridge might look easy in the movies, but remember: They're designed to withstand the immense shear-forces of wind and weather. Deploying an underwater M-32 satchel charge at the base of each load-bearing pylon looks like the answer, but it might not even shake a modern riveted steel highway or railroad bridge. Without delving into the complex language of the guerrilla combat engineer, the best advice I can give you is to forgo subtlety in favor of brute force: Put two satchel charges at each X-shaped trestle buck, and this should rob the bridge of any reinforcing strength and cause it to buckle nicely.
                          Dear Green Beret,
                          After several catastrophically bad relationships, I have finally found the right man. But old habits die hard. After all those cheating jerks, it requires great will for me to trust this absolute prince. I find myself reading his mail, listening to his answering-machine messages, even—God help me—following him around! How do I handle this situation? I don't want to ruin the best thing I have ever had.
                          —Paranoid In Portsmouth
                          Dear Paranoid,
                          The .45ACP M1911 sidearm might not be an ideal long-distance weapon, and it's certainly no sniper's rifle, but it has the advantages of low weight and quicker target acquisition. You can reliably engage aggressors at ranges of up to 25 yards. Use a two-handed grip and brace the barrel against a tree, or use your Alice pack and spare parachute as an improvised bench rest. Don't worry about "stopping power"; one of those slugs opens up to about .80 caliber when it hits, leaving an exit wound you could toss a rat through, and bringing so much energy to a target that a hit in the extremities is often enough to drop Ivan in his tracks.
                          Lt. Ryan Killmore is a combat-decorated Green Beret and nationally syndicated advice columnist. His weekly column, Ask A Green Beret, appears in 250 newspapers nationwide.


                          • #14
                            An Air Force Supply Officer arrives in heaven. St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of admittance to heaven.

                            The officer replies, "Yes, I once went into a bar with four of my friends and saw two drunk Marines harassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentleman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused, I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told him to stand down."

                            St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when in his life he did this great deed.

                            The supply officer replied, "About 5 minutes ago. My friends should be here shortly."


                            • #15
                              No SEX since 1955

                              A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

                              "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

                              "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

                              The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

                              "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

                              The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

                              The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

                              "1955, ma'am."

                              "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

                              Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

                              The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

                              (Gotta love military time) :))