Quick Laughs

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What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he wasasked about his school examination?

"Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."

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The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing,
"All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'.

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When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness

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little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

His father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine."

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Tom's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Tom seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls."

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."

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Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy O'Hara up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next-door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorrah!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two million men since we last spoke."
"Bloody hell!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

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The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, "I have some good news and some bad news." They ask for the good news first.

Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs."
"And the bad news?" they ask.

Aziz replies, "He's lost an arm."

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Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where the heck those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their air force.

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Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign ambassador.

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A: B-52 ... F-16 ... B-52

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Q: What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad?
A: Two days.

Q: What do Miss ****et and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.

Q: What is the Iraqi air force motto?
A: I came, I saw, I ran.

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Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving?
A: Turkey.

Q: What's the national bird of Iraq?
A: DUCK!

Q: What did Saddam say to George Bush after he invaded Kuwait?
A: Read my lips, I'm pulling out of Kuwait.
If he did pull out it would be Kuwaitis Interruptus.

Q: What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in Baghdad?
A: You shout out, "B-52"

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Q: Who is an Iraqi Hero?
A: He's the one that waited thirty seconds before he surrendered.

Q: What should Iraq get for its air defense system?
A: A refund.

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A number of new Air-Force recruits were being taken on their first training flight. The plane had just leveled out after taking off when one of the engines seized up, and another began smoking badly. Adjusting his parachute, the instructor strove for nonchalance as he
made his way to the hatch door. "Now I want you men to keep perfectly calm," he said, "while I go for help."

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Home > Laugh Bytes > Humour


Humor in Uniform

Rules Of The Air for Pilots

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you
pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you
keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep
the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided
with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again. 9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of
arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landing you make equal to the number of take-offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.
The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger
compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience.Unfortunately, the experience
usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea.It's the law. And it's not
subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

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Sardar’s Reaction to train

A Sardar,who had never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the rail tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. Fortunately he gets some minor injuries. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the
kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a iron rod from the nearby shelf and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, rushes into the kitchen,sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The sardar replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."