a bit of a giggle

[Parihaka]

Don't know if these are true or not, but i could well believe it...

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word

ATTORNEY: When is your birthday?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

______________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy on him!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

[Ray]

You are the limit!!!!!!!



I have got a stitch laughing and went out of breath!

LOL

i agree he must have some memory loss or maybe he's just pretending to be stupid.

[Parihaka]

oop, that would be our funny little friend again

[Parihaka]

Originally Posted by Ray

You are the limit!!!!!!!



I have got a stitch laughing and went out of breath!

Glad you liked em Ray, certainly gave me a giggle

[Leader]

i could well believe it...

me too.

[cirrrocco]

Something similar on those lines...


Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of
witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the
responses given by insightful witnesses:


"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"


"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

"Were you alone or by yourself?"


"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"


"Did he kill you?"


"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"


"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"


"How many times have you committed suicide?"


Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?


Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?


Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?


Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?


Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?


Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?


Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
A: Oral.


Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy.


Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.


Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood.


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.
==================

[giggs88]

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

Funny ****.

Thank you for that.

[lemontree]

parihaka,
Those were some great howlers... I enjoyed them.

[Monk]

Parihaka,

That was hilfukkingarious. I can't quit laughing here. You don't like lawyers too much do you?

[platinum786]

those where wonderful, especially the last one!

[Ray]

Riddles
Q: When will you see a pole with a worm at both ends?
A: When you go fishing with a lawyer.

Q: What do you call a dozen sky-diving lawyers?
A: Skeet.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A. To sue the chicken on the other side.

Q. Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?
A. New Jersey got to choose.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The diphthong.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman pinscher.

Q: What is a lawyer's ideal weight?
A: About five pounds, including the urn.

Q: How do you get a lawyer down from a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: Why are lawyers' brains so expensive?
A: It takes so many to make an ounce.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 75?
A: Your honor.

Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A. Accountants know they're boring.

Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
A: An impossibility.

Q: Why should you swerve to avoid hitting a lawyer on a bicycle?
A: That bicycle might be yours!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a pothole?
A: People will try to avoid hitting a pothole.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a wheelbarrow full of ****?
A: The wheelbarrow.

Q: What's the difference between an accident and a calamity?
A: It's an accident when a bus full of lawyers plunges off the road into a river. It's a calamity if they can swim.

[Parihaka]

Originally Posted by Ray

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman pinscher.

Originally Posted by Cirrocco

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

HEE HE HE HEEEE..

[Ray]

Some more on God's finest!

Q. What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A. The vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer Miles.

Q. What's the difference between a carp and a lawyer?
A. One's a scum-sucking, bottom-feeding scavenger. The other is a fish.

Q. What's the difference between a cat and a lawyer?
A. One's an arrogant creature that will ignore you contemptuously unless it thinks can get something out of you. The other is a house pet.

Q. Why don't sharks ever attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.

Q. Why don't hyenas eat lawyers?
A. Even hyenas have their dignity.

Q. What can a goose do that a duck can't but a lawyer should?
A. Stick his bill up his ass.

A lawyer was out hiking with a friend when they encountered a mountain lion. The lawyer dropped his pack and got ready to run.
"You'll never outrun a hungry mountain lion!" exlaimed his friend.
"I don't have to outrun him," replied the lawyer. "I just have to outrun you!"
The next day a coyote came upon that same mountain lion licking a pile of dung. "What on earth are you doing?" the coyote asked in amazement. The mountain lion looked up dolefully. "I ate a lawyer yesterday, and I'm still trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick-skinned, short-sighted, and always ready to charge.


Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bulldog?
A. A bulldog generally has enough sense to let go.

Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.

When two dogs fight for a bone and a third runs off with it, there's a lawyer among the dogs.

One day a tourist wandered into a curio shop in Hong Kong. Way in the back, amidst the clutter, he found a brass statuette of a rat. It was beautifully crafted, and the man decided he rather liked it. "How much?" he asked the elderly Chinese shopkeeper. "Five dollar," the shopkeeper replied. "Hundred dollar with story."
Five dollars seemed like a good price, and the tourist decided that he could live without knowing the story of the brass rat. So he bought it.
As he wandered on through the streets of Hong Kong, however, the man noticed with surprise that he was not alone. Rats were emerging from buildings, the sewers, everywhere, in ever increasing numbers, and following him.
Before long there were so many that he became genuinely frightened. Finding himself at the water's edge, the now terrified man hurled the brass rat into the bay. He heaved a sigh of relief as the thousands of rats hurled themselves into the bay after it and promptly began to drown.
Shaken, the man made his way back to the curio shop. The old Chinese shopkeeper looked amused. "You come back for story?" he asked. The tourist shook his head. "No," he said. "I just wanted to know if you had a brass lawyer."

Q. Why are scientists now using lawyers in laboratory experiments instead of rats?
A. Three reasons: 1) lawyers are more plentiful than rats; 2) there is no danger the scientists will become attached to the lawyers; and 3) there are some things rats just won't do.
(Mind you, the scientists are finding it difficult to extrapolate the results of the experiments to human beings.)

[cirrrocco]

Originally Posted by Ray

Some more on God's finest!

Corporate Lessons

Lesson Number One:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small
rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and
do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the Rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All
of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.

*************************

Lesson Number Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to
get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't
got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied
the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of
dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched
at the top of the tree. Soon, he was promptly spotted by a
farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:Bull Sh i t might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there.

*************************

Lesson Number Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold,
the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it
was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As
the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to
realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile
of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops s h i t on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of s h i t is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep s h i t , keep your mouth shut