Chad: We’re Not Just for Guerillas Anymore

[troung]

Published: February 9, 2008



Chad: We’re Not Just for Guerillas Anymore

Shawn Goodwin

Family Security Matters

Late last week, rebels launched a coup d’etat against Chadian president Idriss Deby. The country named after a blueblood, milquetoast pretty boy saw its government act like one, as nearly 75% of the administration skipped town when the bullets started flying. Way to answer the call, guys. As of Wednesday, things have seemed to settle down a spell, and President Deby has urged the government to return home.



After a week of fighting, there are many questions left unanswered. The most crucial of these questions, according to President Deby, surrounds the future of the country’s tourism industry.



Surprised? Well, you shouldn’t be. Chad has been Central Africa’s foremost fun-in-the-sun destination for nearly six months. If President Deby’s dreams come to fruition, his country will soon eclipse other tourist havens such as Somalia and the Congo. “Had it not been for the American ‘hanging chad’ incident of 2000, we would have won the contract for ‘Desert Disney World.’ Americans have no idea how much damage those blue hairs in Florida unleashed upon our economy,” Deby stated. “Around here, ‘chad’ is a four-letter word.”



As if to confirm his strict focus upon the matter, the president has gone so far as to hire a new tourism information director – Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, also known as “Baghdad Bob” – to help draw visitors to his homeland. “Bob is terrific,” Deby said, “but between you and me, he is little more than a trained seal. Throw him a fish, and he’ll do or say whatever you desire. His first assignment is to change the country’s terrible nickname. The ‘Dead Heart of Africa’ does not translate well to a bumper sticker. Of course, since so few of us have cars, and we have a mere 30 kilometers of paved roads, we have little use bumper stickers, anyway.”



When questions arise about the recent uprising and sporadic guerilla warfare, Deby shakes them off: “Look at me, I’m fine. Besides, the press has no idea that I am wearing Depends undergarments, and my ‘stress problem’ is under wraps, so to speak.” Deby believes that the coup has been repelled, and the wave of violence is almost at an end. “Pretty soon, you will be able to walk the streets of N’Djamena armed only with a handgun, shotgun, mortar round, and a riot helmet. How is that for progress?”



Naturally, the coup attempt is a hot-button issue with the president, but he offers an explanation for the incident. “If you must know,” Deby begins, “Sudan backed the traitorous rebels in their coup attempt because they were jealous of our Desert Disney World deal. I informed Sudanese officials that they could corner the market on DDW’s corn dog stands, but then the Darfur mess erupted, and . . . Well, what could I do? It would become a public relations nightmare. Visitors would say, ‘Oh, Mr. President, this corn is so sweet and tasty, but I cannot eat it because every kernel reminds me of human rights violations!’”



Deby quickly changes the subject to what he knows best: his country. “People should realize that Chad is the ultimate vacation spot. Where else on Earth can you water ski before breakfast, and be chased by a lion after lunch? Where else can you collect both traditional Chadian dresses and shrapnel? Only Chad, that’s where.”



Deby is a shameless self-promoter, and why not? The man is a showman in the mold of P.T. Barnum. “Welcomed visitors can spend the day at scenic Lake Chad. Presently only five feet deep, it is perfect for adults and children alike. And while crocodile attacks are as common as a Britney Spears breakdown, our floating islands provide relief for endangered bathers.” When pressed on the average yearly number of croc attacks in the lake, Deby claimed the battery in his hearing aid was malfunctioning. When told he was not wearing a hearing aid, Deby quickly excused himself.



Later in the day, Deby sung the praises of Chad’s additional outdoor activities. “The Emi Koussi volcano is the perfect site for some radical skateboarding or some gnarly snowboarding. We’re trying to win the Winter X-Games, but the lack of snow has hampered our efforts.” Undaunted, Deby promises to keep working. “Chad was enveloped in a brutal civil war for fourteen years. We’re nothing if not persistent.”



Finally, President Deby unveiled his new advertising campaign, aimed at drawing tourists – and their dollars – to Chad. While the government could not get these celebrities on film, it did solidify a few book jacket quotes that will really turn some heads. Deby shared the three that made him most proud:



Bono – “Sudan is so poor that they can barely pay attention. Go to Chad instead.”



Princess Diana of Wales – “Chad: I have never seen so many land mines in my life.”



Les “Survivorman” Stroud – “Survive for a week in Chad? That’s just plain crazy; and I’ve eaten lizards!”



“Sure, they are not exactly glowing endorsements, “Deby stated, “but they mention Chad in every single quote. In a few weeks, Chad will become the new Death Valley. You’ll see!”


# #

[Newguy]

You should include the links of where you get the reporting. This reads like a National Enquirer article.

[Capt Bluesman]

I'm thinking The Onion, myself.

[troung]

So will you two go?

[Newguy]

I have been to much worse places.

[sappersgt]

by troung
Les “Survivorman” Stroud – “Survive for a week in Chad? That’s just plain crazy; and I’ve eaten lizards!”

Originally Posted by Newguy

I have been to much worse places.

and been paid a lot less too.