More or Less Sexy?

Debbie · 01-31-2008, 12:50 PM

Mine blends in with the blond, but it's there......

Women Who Go Gray and Stay Sexy
By Anne Kreamer, American Sexuality Magazine
Posted on January 29, 2008, Printed on January 31, 2008
AlterNet: Women Who Go Gray and Stay Sexy

Last month at a lunch in a restaurant on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, I had an unusual experience. I, and the three other women with whom I was eating, became the focus of attention from strangers. As we were ushered to our table, every head in the place turned. There was nothing particularly unique about us -- we ranged in age from thirty-eight to fifty-three and all of us were wearing versions of the standard New York City uniform, dark and understated. But we all did share one highly unusual trait -- each of us had gray hair. And four gray-haired women under the age of sixty together in New York City is a remarkable sight. Something far more rare and interesting, as it turned out, than the fact that two stars of a hit TV show -- Melina Kanakaredes and Anna Belknap of CSI New York -- were eating at the table directly opposite ours. Those gorgeous celebrities were rendered invisible in the crowded restaurant by our table of gray-haired nobodies.

In 2007 when I was fifty-one, I published Going Gray, a memoir-***-amateur-social-science exploration of what it felt like to be gray-haired in America. I wrote honestly about my own fears and experiences as I abandoned hair dye after twenty-four years of coloring, and I became my own guinea pig in various experiments where I probed two of women's biggest fears about aging: that they will be limited professionally by looking "old" and that they will lose their sexual attractiveness if they have gray hair. My experiments produced stunningly counterintuitive results.

In one, I posted my profile and picture on Match.com, putatively looking for dates in New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles -- first with my hair photoshopped back to the brown color I had once dyed it, and then, months later, with my current gray hair. To my surprise, three times as many men in each of those cities expressed interest in going out with me with my hair gray than they had with my dyed hair. Good Morning America's producers, somewhat incredulous of my results, replicated the stunt in advance of my appearance on the program, with a sixty-one-year-old widow from Florida, and had exactly the same results. Needless to say, the finding that men seem actually to prefer a woman with gray hair (among many other surprising findings in my book) generated a tremendous amount of media interest.

The unanticipated and serendipitous connections that were generated through the press coverage ultimately led to my lunch date last month. One of the women, *Audrey, had been featured on a local news segment in New York that presented gray as the new "hot" color for hair. After the segment she wrote to me and we struck up a conversation. *Jane had been inspired by my book to launch a website, Graygirls.com, that celebrates gray hair. We, too, had become Internet friends. And the third woman at the luncheon, *Aki, was my close friend who had initially inspired me to stop dyeing my hair. I had the notion that it might be fun for all of us to meet and share our stories. But I certainly had no premeditated sense that four gray-haired women eating lunch together in Manhattan would register as some kind of freakish phenomenon.

On reflection, the hubbub we created makes a bit of sense. In 1950 only 7% of American women artificially colored their hair while today Clairol estimates that at least 65% of women in America dye. That's pretty much at the saturation level, and a survey that I conducted for a piece I wrote for Time suggested that the overwhelming majority pretty much obtains whether a woman lives in a small community in New England or urban areas like St. Louis or Dallas, based on the gray-hair versus color-hair divide. If a gray-haired young-middle-aged woman is now something of a rarity in our culture, then seeing four gray-haired young-middle-aged women together was the equivalent of seeing a group of Amish women in New York City.

Since the book was published I've corresponded with hundreds of women like Audrey and Jane, but I think letters from men, corroborating the results of my Match.com experiment, are particularly refreshing in casting a different light on the ability of women to remain sexually attractive and authentically themselves as they age.

As one fifty-one-year-old husband wrote: "My wife currently dyes her hair, and after reading what you said and imagining what she would look like gray I hope to convince her to let her natural hair color grow out. Thanks for your thoughts on the matter. I hope that you help women to feel better about the aesthetics of aging naturally and, in turn, free them from the incredible cost in dollars, time and self-esteem that hair dying imposes."

"Good for you," wrote a fifty-three-year-old Canadian man. "What I like about the tone of your book is the emphasis on honesty and authenticity. No doubt some people, male or female, do the dye thing simply for the fun of it: and I can see that, to a degree. If it is 'whimsy,' know what I mean? But our popular culture is so over the edge in the cosmetic surgery, not only facial but bodily: and right down to genital reshaping. That, to me, is monstrous. And though public men do now and again dye their hair, or get cosmetic surgery, again it terminates most specifically on women. And if the older women set the tone by doing all the self-modification in order to stay younger-looking, the younger women pick up the trend even earlier."

A friend of my husband's wrote to him: "Tell Anne, perfect timing. I've been telling my wife to stop the 'touch ups' for years."

*Suzan, a fifty-four-year-old chef, shared a woman's point of view about positive male feedback: "I have had more compliments on my hair since it's gone gray than when I colored it! I have even had severe compliments from a young man I know socially, who enlightened me with the compliment, 'You have no idea how good looking you are and how sexy your hair is.' I made sure I had him write it down so I could relate that story at another time. Well, I guess this is that 'another time' I was looking for."

That women are the more critical of other women when it comes to hair color, age, and beauty was remarked upon by *Chris, an Oregonian: "... as a forty-one-year old male whose wife continually dyes her hair, I can tell you I am much more attracted to the natural women who wear very little, if any, makeup, don't dye their hair, and use perfume sparingly. The first impressions of women that dye their hair, use a lot of makeup/perfume is that they are high-maintenance with low self-esteem. I often see these type of women spending more time comparing themselves to other women and how they compare to them."

*Karen, a woman in the middle of growing out her dyed hair, echoed Chris' thinking: "Sometimes I wonder if it's just women's perception that we will be looked at or treated differently with gray hair. And that it is more our societal view of 'keeping up appearances' because we have been brought up always comparing ourselves to the women around us."

Unrealistic media imagery of visually perfect, artificially enhanced women reinforces a climate in which women inevitably will evaluate each other and themselves critically, and according to a fantasy standard. Research conducted by Dove as part of their "Campaign for Real Beauty" revealed alarming self-esteem issues -- for instance, that girls as young as thirteen were voicing concern that they were looking unattractively old.

I hope my modest one-woman expedition can inspire others to come to understand that alternatives exist. And maybe one day, before my teenaged daughters' hair turns gray, four gray-haired women having lunch together won't be a sensation.

*Last names have been omitted to protect confidentiality.

Anne Kreamer is the former executive vice president and worldwide creative director of Nickelodeon / Nick at Nite and part of the founding team of Spy magazine. She graduated from Harvard College and lives in Brooklyn with her husband, the writer Kurt Andersen, and their two daughters.

© 2008 Independent Media Institute. All rights reserved.
View this story online at: AlterNet: Women Who Go Gray and Stay Sexy

dalem · 01-31-2008, 17:10 PM

Who cares if its gray or blonde or black when all you're gonna do is chop it off into some weird short bob just when it's looking good?

-dale

CuMetal · 01-31-2008, 17:19 PM

If dreams were lightning and thunder was desire, this old house would have burned down a long time ago - Angel from Montgomery

Really like John Prine...seen him many times

dave lukins · 01-31-2008, 19:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CuMetal

If dreams were lightning and thunder was desire, this old house would have burned down a long time ago - Angel from Montgomery

Really like John Prine...seen him many times

A country/Folk singer fan eh!..why the Copper(Cu) name pray tell

Gun Grape · 01-31-2008, 22:02 PM

Everyone was staring? I bet it had nothing to do with being "Grey" At least with the guys.

They were all looking a little lower. Nice rack, Mrs Kreamer.

Debbie · 01-31-2008, 23:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dalem

Who cares if its gray or blonde or black when all you're gonna do is chop it off into some weird short bob just when it's looking good?

-dale

The hair on a womans head I noticed today, isn't exactly where your eyes happen to gravitate to anyway.

dalem · 02-01-2008, 00:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Debbie

The hair on a womans head I noticed today, isn't exactly where your eyes happen to gravitate to anyway.

It gets checked in the mix. It's important. But it wiggles a little less than the hinder, usually.

-dale

**TopHatter** · 02-01-2008, 00:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dalem

Who cares if its gray or blonde or black when all you're gonna do is chop it off into some weird short bob just when it's looking good?

-dale

Here here.
Emphasis on Weird, Short and Bob.

Short from the get-go is one thing. Plenty of attractive women with short hair.

Don't grow it out for the past 10 years only to chop it off to within 2 inches of your scalp all at once please

THL · 02-01-2008, 02:09 AM

Ok...about the grey, on men or women...it depends. If it is that Diane Keaton sort of grey...then I like it. The thing that freaks me out about grey hair is that I associate it with Santa Claus. So I cannot do that all over completely white grey hair thing for this reason. I cannot be attracted to Santa Claus. It could be Keanu Reeves with Santa hair and I would have to find a new object for my affection.

THL · 02-01-2008, 02:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TopHatter

Here here.
Emphasis on Weird, Short and Bob.

Short from the get-go is one thing. Plenty of attractive women with short hair.

Don't grow it out for the past 10 years only to chop it off to within 2 inches of your scalp all at once please

I gotta say that I like long hair. There is something about long hair that does it for me. It does not HAVE to be floor length long or anything (although while I would not kill for, I would consider seriously maiming someone for Capt Blues hair)...but at least as long as Keanu Reeves in the Bill and Ted movies...that kinda floppy hair. (I know...I have now mentioned the man in the same thread more than once).

There is something about long hair flowing over bare shoulders that just... DOES IT.

*sigh*
(THL thinking about Adrian Paul in The Highlander series)

dalem · 02-01-2008, 02:53 AM

Captain Bluesman does have awesome hair.

Like, awesome.

-dale

THL · 02-01-2008, 03:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dalem

Captain Bluesman does have awesome hair.

Like, awesome.

-dale

ROFL

Sweet dreams tonight, Dale

dave lukins · 02-01-2008, 07:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by THL

Ok...about the grey, on men or women...it depends. If it is that Diane Keaton sort of grey...then I like it. The thing that freaks me out about grey hair is that I associate it with Santa Claus.

If you look closely you will find that "grey" hair is actually white. As it is mixed in with dark hair it just gives the illusion of being "grey". Plus, the "grasping at straws" human attitude of staying young forever, helps in this delusion.

To that end, grow grey gracefully

CuMetal · 02-01-2008, 09:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dave lukins

A country/Folk singer fan eh!..why the Copper(Cu) name pray tell

I make copper

ShawnG · 02-01-2008, 10:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CuMetal

I make copper

Pleased to meet you, Mother Earth

01-31-2008, 12:50 PM	#1 (permalink)
Debbie WAB Cautioner of Poo *Senior Contributor* Join Date: 11-20-06 Location: Wisconsin Posts: 3,469 Country:	More or Less Sexy? Mine blends in with the blond, but it's there...... Women Who Go Gray and Stay Sexy By Anne Kreamer, American Sexuality Magazine Posted on January 29, 2008, Printed on January 31, 2008 AlterNet: Women Who Go Gray and Stay Sexy Last month at a lunch in a restaurant on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, I had an unusual experience. I, and the three other women with whom I was eating, became the focus of attention from strangers. As we were ushered to our table, every head in the place turned. There was nothing particularly unique about us -- we ranged in age from thirty-eight to fifty-three and all of us were wearing versions of the standard New York City uniform, dark and understated. But we all did share one highly unusual trait -- each of us had gray hair. And four gray-haired women under the age of sixty together in New York City is a remarkable sight. Something far more rare and interesting, as it turned out, than the fact that two stars of a hit TV show -- Melina Kanakaredes and Anna Belknap of CSI New York -- were eating at the table directly opposite ours. Those gorgeous celebrities were rendered invisible in the crowded restaurant by our table of gray-haired nobodies. In 2007 when I was fifty-one, I published Going Gray, a memoir-**-amateur-social-science exploration of what it felt like to be gray-haired in America. I wrote honestly about my own fears and experiences as I abandoned hair dye after twenty-four years of coloring, and I became my own guinea pig in various experiments where I probed two of women's biggest fears about aging: that they will be limited professionally by looking "old" and that they will lose their sexual attractiveness if they have gray hair. My experiments produced stunningly counterintuitive results. In one, I posted my profile and picture on Match.com, putatively looking for dates in New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles -- first with my hair photoshopped back to the brown color I had once dyed it, and then, months later, with my current gray hair. To my surprise, three times as many men in each of those cities expressed interest in going out with me with my hair gray than they had with my dyed hair. Good Morning America's producers, somewhat incredulous of my results, replicated the stunt in advance of my appearance on the program, with a sixty-one-year-old widow from Florida, and had exactly the same results. Needless to say, the finding that men seem actually to prefer a woman with gray hair (among many other surprising findings in my book) generated a tremendous amount of media interest. The unanticipated and serendipitous connections that were generated through the press coverage ultimately led to my lunch date last month. One of the women, Audrey, had been featured on a local news segment in New York that presented gray as the new "hot" color for hair. After the segment she wrote to me and we struck up a conversation. Jane had been inspired by my book to launch a website, Graygirls.com, that celebrates gray hair. We, too, had become Internet friends. And the third woman at the luncheon, Aki, was my close friend who had initially inspired me to stop dyeing my hair. I had the notion that it might be fun for all of us to meet and share our stories. But I certainly had no premeditated sense that four gray-haired women eating lunch together in Manhattan would register as some kind of freakish phenomenon. On reflection, the hubbub we created makes a bit of sense. In 1950 only 7% of American women artificially colored their hair while today Clairol estimates that at least 65% of women in America dye. That's pretty much at the saturation level, and a survey that I conducted for a piece I wrote for Time suggested that the overwhelming majority pretty much obtains whether a woman lives in a small community in New England or urban areas like St. Louis or Dallas, based on the gray-hair versus color-hair divide. If a gray-haired young-middle-aged woman is now something of a rarity in our culture, then seeing four gray-haired young-middle-aged women together was the equivalent of seeing a group of Amish women in New York City. Since the book was published I've corresponded with hundreds of women like Audrey and Jane, but I think letters from men, corroborating the results of my Match.com experiment, are particularly refreshing in casting a different light on the ability of women to remain sexually attractive and authentically themselves as they age. As one fifty-one-year-old husband wrote: "My wife currently dyes her hair, and after reading what you said and imagining what she would look like gray I hope to convince her to let her natural hair color grow out. Thanks for your thoughts on the matter. I hope that you help women to feel better about the aesthetics of aging naturally and, in turn, free them from the incredible cost in dollars, time and self-esteem that hair dying imposes." "Good for you," wrote a fifty-three-year-old Canadian man. "What I like about the tone of your book is the emphasis on honesty and authenticity. No doubt some people, male or female, do the dye thing simply for the fun of it: and I can see that, to a degree. If it is 'whimsy,' know what I mean? But our popular culture is so over the edge in the cosmetic surgery, not only facial but bodily: and right down to genital reshaping. That, to me, is monstrous. And though public men do now and again dye their hair, or get cosmetic surgery, again it terminates most specifically on women. And if the older women set the tone by doing all the self-modification in order to stay younger-looking, the younger women pick up the trend even earlier." A friend of my husband's wrote to him: "Tell Anne, perfect timing. I've been telling my wife to stop the 'touch ups' for years." Suzan, a fifty-four-year-old chef, shared a woman's point of view about positive male feedback: "I have had more compliments on my hair since it's gone gray than when I colored it! I have even had severe compliments from a young man I know socially, who enlightened me with the compliment, 'You have no idea how good looking you are and how sexy your hair is.' I made sure I had him write it down so I could relate that story at another time. Well, I guess this is that 'another time' I was looking for." That women are the more critical of other women when it comes to hair color, age, and beauty was remarked upon by Chris, an Oregonian: "... as a forty-one-year old male whose wife continually dyes her hair, I can tell you I am much more attracted to the natural women who wear very little, if any, makeup, don't dye their hair, and use perfume sparingly. The first impressions of women that dye their hair, use a lot of makeup/perfume is that they are high-maintenance with low self-esteem. I often see these type of women spending more time comparing themselves to other women and how they compare to them." Karen, a woman in the middle of growing out her dyed hair, echoed Chris' thinking: "Sometimes I wonder if it's just women's perception that we will be looked at or treated differently with gray hair. And that it is more our societal view of 'keeping up appearances' because we have been brought up always comparing ourselves to the women around us." Unrealistic media imagery of visually perfect, artificially enhanced women reinforces a climate in which women inevitably will evaluate each other and themselves critically, and according to a fantasy standard. Research conducted by Dove as part of their "Campaign for Real Beauty" revealed alarming self-esteem issues -- for instance, that girls as young as thirteen were voicing concern that they were looking unattractively old. I hope my modest one-woman expedition can inspire others to come to understand that alternatives exist. And maybe one day, before my teenaged daughters' hair turns gray, four gray-haired women having lunch together won't be a sensation. Last names have been omitted to protect confidentiality. Anne Kreamer is the former executive vice president and worldwide creative director of Nickelodeon / Nick at Nite and part of the founding team of Spy magazine. She graduated from Harvard College and lives in Brooklyn with her husband, the writer Kurt Andersen, and their two daughters. © 2008 Independent Media Institute. All rights reserved. View this story online at: AlterNet: Women Who Go Gray and Stay Sexy __________________ But when the night is falling and you cannot find the light, if you feel your dream is dying - hold tight, you've got the music in you..... New Radicals

02-01-2008, 02:09 AM	#9 (permalink)
THL *Senior Contributor* Join Date: 06-23-05 Location: 35 minutes outside Chicago (please don't refer to it as "Chi-Town"...that's annoying) Posts: 5,690 Country:	Ok...about the grey, on men or women...it depends. If it is that Diane Keaton sort of grey...then I like it. The thing that freaks me out about grey hair is that I associate it with Santa Claus. So I cannot do that all over completely white grey hair thing for this reason. I cannot be attracted to Santa Claus. It could be Keanu Reeves with Santa hair and I would have to find a new object for my affection. __________________ "To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are."-Sholem Asch "I always turn to the sports page first, which records people's accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures."-Earl Warren "I didn't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs."-Nancy Reagan, when asked a political question at a "Just Say No" rally "He no play-a da game, he no make-a da rules."-Earl Butz, on the Pope's attitude toward birth control

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01-31-2008, 17:10 PM	#2 (permalink)
dalem Lord High Hullabalooster *Senior Contributor* Join Date: 11-23-04 Location: Columbia Heights, MN Posts: 8,325 Country:	Who cares if its gray or blonde or black when all you're gonna do is chop it off into some weird short bob just when it's looking good? -dale

01-31-2008, 17:19 PM	#3 (permalink)
CuMetal Banished New Member Join Date: 01-31-08 Posts: 9	If dreams were lightning and thunder was desire, this old house would have burned down a long time ago - Angel from Montgomery Really like John Prine...seen him many times

01-31-2008, 22:02 PM	#5 (permalink)
Gun Grape Resident Curmudgeon *Military Professional* Join Date: 03-12-05 Location: Panama City Fl Posts: 2,566	Everyone was staring? I bet it had nothing to do with being "Grey" At least with the guys. They were all looking a little lower. Nice rack, Mrs Kreamer.

02-01-2008, 02:53 AM	#11 (permalink)
dalem Lord High Hullabalooster *Senior Contributor* Join Date: 11-23-04 Location: Columbia Heights, MN Posts: 8,325 Country:	Captain Bluesman does have awesome hair. Like, awesome. -dale

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