Post Your jokes here

[glyn]

Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:

"Hello i'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and i just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?"
"Do you know which ward she is in?"
"Yes, ward P, room 2B"
"I'll just put you through to the nurse station."
"Hello, ward P, how can i help?"
"I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, i was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?"
"I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow."
"Oh thats wonderful news, I'm so happy, thankyou ever so much!"
"You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?"
"No, i'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you *£$% all in here..."

[Southie]

A Woman who Knows her Place

Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,'Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, Said, 'Land Mines.'

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Behind every man there is a smart woman. . . . . . . . .

[Julie]

Originally Posted by tankie

Q for Deb and F/F and Julie .


Which is the odd one out

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joke only for Deb Julie and F/F .

17 ?

[glyn]

A Scotsman was heading out to the pub and turned to his wee wife before leaving...
"Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie."
"Awe John that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?"
"Nae, just switching the central heating off while I'm oot."


The first people in the UK to have double glazing were the Scots. .. so their kids couldn't hear the ice cream vans.


How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Och! it's no that dark!


Have you heard about the lecherous Scotsman who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?
He sold her four of them....


An Scotsman took a girl for a romantic ride in his taxi.
She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter...


A suicidal Scotsman went next door to his neighbor's house to gas himself....


A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the Aberdeen Evening Express and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband"
The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "Ye wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok"
So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter.
The man reads "Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid"
He feels sad at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things, saying "I think we cud allow 3 or 4 more words fer ye money."
The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again.
The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid. Ford Escort for sale"......

[glyn]

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided
to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I
would like the world's best beer, a Corona.' The bartender dusts off a
bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me
'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one..

The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain
spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it.

The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.' The
bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you
drinking a Molson's?'

The Molson Canadian president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys aren't
drinking beer, neither would I.'

[glyn]

A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some
pepper.

'Black pepper, or white pepper?' asked the concierge.

'Toilette pepper!' yelled the Quebecer.

[glyn]

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They
were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died
before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the
American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and
nurses present asked him what happened.

'Well,' said the American, 'I remember the crash, and then there was a
beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at
the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too
young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to
earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the
next thing I knew I was back here.'

'That's amazing!' said the one of the doctors, 'But what happened to the
other two?'

'Last I saw them,' replied the American, 'the Scot was haggling over the
price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.'

[glyn]

A man, named Louis, feared his wife wasn't
hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite
sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband
could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away
from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, ' I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from
his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey,
what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'honey, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this)

'Louis, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

[glyn]

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks,

"Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber then shot him in the temple,killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,

"Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

[glyn]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!”

[glyn]

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the

city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a

visit in his lavish office.



The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even

though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a

penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community

through the United Way?'



The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show

you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge

medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'



Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh..... no, I didn't know that.'



'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and

confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six

children.'



The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off

again. 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband

died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and

three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning

disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'



The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had

no idea.'



And the lawyer says, 'So..... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes

you think I'd give any to you?'

[texasjohn]

How to tell when you've ticked off a rocket scientist
A Check sent to Verizon from an upset Customer.
The amount is believed to be $533.82

[tankie]

Originally Posted by Julie

17 ?

Yea you ,d think that i suppose . Close but no cigar ? The answer Julie is 16 , see if you can work it out

[tankie]

I wonder why Deb and F/F aint worked it out , especially F/F stuck in his cell all day with nowt but time on his hands

[glyn]

Dead Smiles

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."

"And what of the third body?" asked the Inspector.

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."