Post Your jokes here

[cirrrocco]

Originally Posted by glyn

A Scotsman goes intae a brothel in Amsterdam yin night an finds himsel a prostitute.

He asks her, 'Hoo much dae ye charge fur an oor?'

'£ 100,' she replies.

So he asks, 'Okay, dae ye dae Scoattish style?'

She says 'No!'

He then asks her, 'I'll pey yi £ 200 tae dae it Scoattish style?'

She then says no, not knowing what Scottish style was!

So he then offers her £ 300. Again she declines his offer.

So finally he says, 'I'll gey ye £ 500 tae go Scottish style wi mi!'

Finally she agrees thinking, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Scottish style be?'

So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Scottish style' come in?'

The Scotsman replies... 'A'll pey ye nixt week'.

Bravo!!!!..good one..

[glyn]

On his first day to a nudist colony, Ricardo takes off his
clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and Ricardo immediately gets
an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and
says, "Did you call for me?"

Ricardo replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule
here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads Ricardo to the side of the swimming pool, lies down
on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way
with her.

Ricardo continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters
the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room
toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says Ricardo.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you
fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him
around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

Ricardo staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted
by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

Ricardo yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key
back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours.
You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

Ricardo replies, "Listen lady, I'm getting on in years. I only
get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."

[WhamBam]

A nursery school teacher asks her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

The first little girl answers, "The sky is definitely blue," but the teacher says,

"Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange, or purple and pink."

A second little boy answers, "Trees are definitely green." The teacher says,

"Sorry, Timmy, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK", says Johnny, "then I have DEFINITELY S H I T in my pants!"

[glyn]

A beautiful blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet
twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude.'
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to
a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other
answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But all men are men.

[glyn]

This is supposed to be true, but it deserves to be posted here.



This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public


True email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....



Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try
e-mailing you instead.


Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off St Marys
Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.

This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.

This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully
dumped beside the wheelie bins.

One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins.

If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it.

I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.

This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant



???????

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in
trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ?
Community Beat Officer

---------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear PC ?

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for
inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills?

In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent, I have never seen you.

Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself?

Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?

It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care
and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want
to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <DATE> If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll
buy you a large one in the CAt and Fiddle Pub.

Regards
?


P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!

[JAD_333]

Originally Posted by glyn

This is supposed to be true, but it deserves to be posted here.



This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public

Priceless. You sure you aren't the one with the newly redecorated kitchen? Has a ring of familiarity about it.

[glyn]

Originally Posted by JAD_333

Priceless. You sure you aren't the one with the newly redecorated kitchen? Has a ring of familiarity about it.

Not guilty, M'lud. Our new kitchen was installed last year!

[tim52]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?


'Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'


----------------------------------------------------------


A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'


The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'


---------------------------------------------------------


'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.'


'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'


---------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'


'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids'.


-----------------------------------------------------------


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.


The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you'.


The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'


----------------------------------------------------------


Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder


1. All the DNA is the same.


2. There are no dental records.


----------------------------------------------------------


A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'


The agent replies, 'Just a minute..'


'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.


----------------------------------------------------------


Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'


Joe: 'Really?'


Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'

----------------------------------------------------------


A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.


'What did he say,' asked the nurse.


'OOPS'


------------------------------------------------------------


While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.


'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'


'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'


He's still in intensive care.

[glyn]

What Made Me Me


Long ago and far away,
In a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan,
Or the dawn of Camelot.

There lived a race of innocents,
And they were you and me,
Long ago and far away
In the Land That Made Me Me.

For Ike was in the White House
In that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges,
And Peyton Place was porn.

We learned to gut a muffler,
We washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry
In circles on the lawn.

We longed for love & romance,
And waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz,
And no one's seen him since.

We danced to 'Little Darlin',
And Sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly
In the Land That Made Me Me.

Only girls wore earrings then,
And 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts,
Except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams
Did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick,
In the Land That Made Me Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon,
Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie,
They never made it twice.

We didn't have a Star Trek Five,
Or Psycho Two & Three,
Or Rockey-Rambo Twenty
In the Land That Made Me Me

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold,
And Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat
Whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr Wizard,
But not a Mr T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet
In the Land That Made Me Me.

We had our share of heroes,
We never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin,
Or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal,
And life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever
In the Land That Made Me Me.

We'd never seen the rock band
That was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson,
And Zeppelins were not Led.

And Beatles lived in gardens then,
And Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was a virgin
In the Land That Made Me Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves,
Or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed,
But they weren't grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out,
And 'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never co-ed
In the Land That Made Me Me.

We hadn't seen enough of jets
To talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left
At the bottom of the bag.

And hardware was a box of nails,
And bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction
In the Land That Made Me Me.

Buicks came with portholes,
And side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough
To cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles,
And skirts came to the knee,
And Castro came to power
In the Land That Made Me Me.

We had no Crest with Fluoride,
We had no Hill Street Blues,
We all wore superstructure bras
Designed by Howard Hughes.

We had no patterned pantyhose
Or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for condoms
In the Land That Made Me Me.

There were no golden arches,
No Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda,
And cats were not called Bill.

And middle-aged was 35
And old was forty-three,
And ancient was our parents
In the Land That Made Me Me.

But all things have a season,
Or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline
We swear by Retin-A.

And they send us invitations
To join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby,
From the Land That Made Me Me.

So now we face a brave new world
In slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using
Smaller print in magazines.

And we tell our children's children
Of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away
In the Land That Made Me Me

[Fiona Shrot]

Originally Posted by glyn

Not all Irish are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But all men are men.

a good comment on the joke!

[tankie]

HELLO

Hi honey its daddy
is mommy by the phone

PAUSE

No daddy she,s in the bedroom with uncle Jim


PAUSE

But honey we dont have an uncle Jim

Yes we do daddy and he,s in the bedroom right now with mommy


PAUSE

ok honey i want you to go upstairs and tell mommy you have just seen daddies car coming up the drive

Ok daddy

PAUSE

Ok daddy i did it

ok honey ,and what happened

Well daddy , mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and slipped and hit her head and she,s not moving , and uncle Jim jumped out of the window in to the swimming pool , which you had emptied last week for cleaning and he hit the floor real hard and i think he,s dead daddy ?

PAUSE

Swimming pool ????????

Is this 873 66842

[WhamBam]

While reading the newspaper, Morty came across an article about a beautiful actress marrying a football player who was not noted for his IQ.

"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear."

[glyn]

Buy or Rent?



I did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce. After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.

Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship, it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.

On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an hour. Crazy, right?

But...

Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a saving of $41+ million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no *****ing and complaining or "to do" lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.

Is it just me, or is it better to rent?

[Julie]

You are forgetting they had a child together. There is alot of emphasis placed on the child as far as the monetary issue goes.

[Blademaster]

Originally Posted by Julie

You are forgetting they had a child together. There is alot of emphasis placed on the child as far as the monetary issue goes.

That is such a bullsh!t excuse. She is a gold digger, enough said. She did not even earn that money.