Post Your jokes here

[Gun Grape]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do
you really know the difference between them? In an effort
to keep you informed:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the
guys, being met by your wife with a broom and having the
guts to ask, 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying
somewhere?'

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the
guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your
collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the
balls to say, 'You're next.'

I hope this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking,
there is no difference in the outcome, since both
ultimately result in death.

[Gun Grape]

A nice, calm and respectable looking lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

[snc128]

Real story!

one day the teacher was talking about how a whale swallowed the prophet Jonah after a series of events, what happened after the whale swallowed the Prophet Jonah and how he was rescued and so on.
At the end of the lecture, she decided to test students. she asked a few hard questions,and nuances about the subject. as long as she asked, students answered her very well.towards end of the lecture, she could not stand asking with an excited voice "Can you imagine a greater event than this??".
a student with a foxy smile in his face stood up and asked the teacher "what if the Prophet Jonah would swallow whale and the whale would rescue from his stomach, would not it be greater than that?"

[Blademaster]

The first true 21s century modern woman with the right attitude and ideals.

[tim52]

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy them at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

[Southie]

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

'Why?' my daughter asked.

'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs,' I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom
Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.'

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad.'

''Exactly,' I replied back with a big smile on my face.

[furkensturker]

A blond walks into a bar and asks the barman for a "double entondra", so he gave her one.

Freddie

[tankie]

Originally Posted by furkensturker

A blond walks into a bar and asks the barman for a "double entondra", so he gave her one.

Freddie

2 swagmen walking along a road heading towards the local billabong when one noticed a stink coming from the other , he got a bit closer and said ,, ahh strooth mate , have you defacated in your duds ?

( i would have said sh1t yourself but you know how wussy the ozzy,s are )

He replied nahh mate not me , ? a bit farther on he got the same smell and grabbing hold of the other he said are you sure you havent dropped one ,

strooth mate i should know shouldnt i he says ?

In disbelief the guy grabs him and looks down the back of his strides and there it was ,,,, a huge pancake , you dirty lying barrrstard he said , you have sh1t yourself , oops i meant defacated its there look ?

Ahhhh right,o , sorry mate he said , i thought you meant

had i done it today

[GAU-8]

EU vs. Italy:
Especial Bruno Bozzetto

[tankie]

3 hillbillies from somewhere near Wiconsin were jawin on the porch , 1 st one says , ya ma wife sure is dumb , , she went and bought a washin machine ,, why,s that dumd they says , cos we aint got no lektrikity says jebadiah

Think thats dumb says ezekiel , my wife went and bought a shower unit ,
whys that dumb they says ,
cos we isnt got us no plummin he says

Haaa think thats dumb says elmer , i was lookin thro the wifes purse tother day for some beer money and all i found was a button , a comb , and 6 condoms ?

whys that dumb thay says

cos she aint got a d1ck says elmer

[Knaur Amarsh]

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer
long, building and improving his house and laying up
supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and
dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he
dies out in the cold.

THE END
...........................................
...........................................
.................

THE U.K. VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer
long, building his house and laying up supplies for the
winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and
dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.


A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a
press conference and demands to know why the squirrel
should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others
less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the
shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the
squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden
with food. The British press inform people that they
should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this
poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others
have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The
Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the
squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural
festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news,
broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing 'We Shall
Overcome'.

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor
McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of
grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the
squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases
the charge for squirrels to enter inner London .

In response to pressure from the media, the Government
drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti
Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the
summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.
He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire
grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on
his home and an additional fine for contempt when he
told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house,
financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local
taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The
squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more
needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine
and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel
has to downsize and start building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises
it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had
hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share
their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried
to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent
love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence
of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately
released because the police fed them pilchards instead
of salmon whilst in custody.
Initial moves to then return them to their own country
were abandoned because it was feared they would face
death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to
obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up
the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still
months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles
around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the
house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate
government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug
'illness'.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog
during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He
is imprisoned but released immediately because he has
been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the
care of the probation service to monitor and supervise
him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a
botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost
GBP10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug
rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for
lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their
treatment since arrival in UK. The asylum-seeking cats
are praised by the government for enriching Britain's
multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the
government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual
sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of
government to address the root causes of despair arising
from social inequity and his traumatic experience of
prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their
rights were infringed when the government failed to
inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking,
the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an
additional percentage on their credit cards to cover
losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and
order and they are told that they will have to work
beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

The squirrel? He moved to Spain ..

[Southie]

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning I received a call from the doctors office to tell
me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had
only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was already
around 8:45 a.m. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't
have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene
when making such a visit but this time I wasn't going to be able to
make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet
the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a
quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I
threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, raced
to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes
when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I
hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and
pretended I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I
was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an
extra effort this morning, haven't we?' I didn't respond. After the
appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.

The rest of the day was normal...

Some shopping, cleaning and cooking. After school when my 6 year old
daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mommy,
where's my washcloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had
all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.'

Never going back to that doctor. Ever.

[Tarek Morgen]

(mostly) true story according to snopes

Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force

The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training , programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of the their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and — in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix — herds of kangaroos (since groups of disturbed animals might well give away a helicopters position).

The head of the Defense Science and Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulations division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reaction to helicopters.

Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement.

Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the Americans nodded appreciatively . . . and then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten the remove "that" part of the infantry coding).

The lesson? Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of the old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with the utmost respect for the Australian wildlife.

Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onwards have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to.

[Desdemona]

THE DAY IT ALL STARTED

It was March 6, 1836.

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the
main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the
west wall of this fort.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top
of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving
steadily toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said,

"Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"