Post Your jokes here

[glyn]

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED




What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?





At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.






At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.






At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.




At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.







At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.




At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.




At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!




At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

[Big K]

Glyn,

it is great me and my family are thanking you

[Southie]

[GAU-8]

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Neely?"; Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

"I outlived the witches."

[Southie]

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND....

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud.
These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district.
Spellings have been left intact.


1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.


2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.


3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.


4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.


5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.


6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.


7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.


8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.


9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.


10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.


11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre, dyrea, direathe, the shits.


12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.


13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.


14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.


15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.


16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.


17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.


18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.


19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.


20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.


21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.


23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

this was an e-mail sent to me at work. True or not...it is amusing!!

[glyn]

Father-Son talk,



Son: "Daddy when I grow up, I want to be a pilot!"



Father: "I'm sorry son, you can't do both!"

[GAU-8]

12-Steep Program for Marines Transitioning to Civilian Life:

1. I am a Marine, I have a problem.

This is the first step to recovery...

2. Speech:

Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0530 or 1400, it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).
Words like deck, rack, and "PT" will get you weird looks. Use floor, bed, workout--get used to it.
"F *ck" cannot be used to replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um".
Grunting is not talking.
It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "out".
People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC

3. Style:

Do not put creases in your jeans.
Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest of the world.
You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.

4. Women:

Air Force girls are very very very very easy. Not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.
Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.

5. Personal accomplishments:

In the real world, being able to do push ups will not make you good at your job.
Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.

6. Drinking:

In the real world, being drunk before 5 PM will get you an intervention, not a "good for you"
That time you drank a fifth of Jaeger and relieved yourself in your closet is not a conversation starter.
That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka iv's will also not be a good conversation starter

6. Bodily functions:

Passing gas on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is.
VD will also not be funny.

7. Spending habits:

One day, you will have to pay bills.
Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
One day you will need health insurance.

8. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):

Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.

9. Body Parts:

No one in your office wants to know about your.... um. Just don't tell people about your body parts.

10. Real jobs:

They really can fire you.
On the flip side you really can quit.
Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800

11. The Law:

Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison.
Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't. In fact most likely you will fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested
Even McDonald's does background checks, and "no conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
Fighting is not a normal thing. It will really get you arrested--not just yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.

12. General knowledge:

You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.
Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then you are, so be polite to everyone.
Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time.

[Gun Grape]

Originally Posted by GAU-8

12-Steep Program for Marines Transitioning to Civilian Life:

Hey even us old Marines can spell Step

It needs a little work but damn did you hit the head of the nail on most.

Might want to add "Never call doughnuts,"Fatpills". Especially not in front of the 300lb client.

In the construction industry I can still cuss And most construction workers think that farting is funny

Your list is another reason I could never work for someone else.

[Southie]

[quote=GAU-8;485943]12-Steep Program for Marines Transitioning to Civilian Life:

1. I am a Marine, I have a problem.

This is the first step to recovery...

4. Women:

Air Force girls are very very very very easy. Not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.
Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.

QUOTE]

Hey, and not all Air Force girls are easy!!!

[tim52]

Originally Posted by Southie

Hey, and not all Air Force girls are easy!!!

Hey, he didn't say it like it's a bad thing...

[tankie]

Originally Posted by Southie

[
QUOTE]

Hey, and not all Air Force girls are easy!!!

Ohhhhhhh yes they are .

[tim52]

Originally Posted by Southie

Hey, and not all Air Force girls are easy!!!

Now that I think about it I think you're right Southie, Air Force girls are not easy that just have round heels.

[Southie]

Originally Posted by tankie

Ohhhhhhh yes they are .

Sure, whatever!

[glyn]

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked 'What might ye be sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 'You're doing very well then... only two left!'

Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with the Irish.

[JAD_333]

1. GO TO THE FOLLOWING SITE:
Bar da Boa

2. TYPE YOUR FIRST NAME ON THE 1st LINE

3. TYPE YOUR LAST NAME ON THE 2nd LINE

(Skip your e-mail address)

4. Click on "VIZUALIZAR" and watch what happens ... & don't ask me how they do that!