Post Your jokes here

[glyn]

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.


As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs.
The sign says:
SEX FROGS'
Only £20 each!
Come with complete instructions.


The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.
She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her,
'Just follow the instructions!
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.

She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you,
and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise. . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says,
'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions, but
The damn frog just SITS there!'
The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog,
stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this just
ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!'

[glyn]

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.

One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said,

'If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.'

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself.

His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.

No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said,


'If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead.'

[highsea]

Man goes to the doctor.

Doctor says "I have bad news. You have Alzheimers and a bad heart."

Man says "Thank God! For a minute I thought you were going to tell me I had Alzheimers."

[glyn]

English Language - Asylum for the Verbally Insane


We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And finally, if Father is Pop, how come Mother is not Mop

[glyn]

Fred and Mary get married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His Mum replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mum, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'


She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and get back to school.'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His Mom replies, 'Ok, do tell me - what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.'

[Blademaster]

Short and sweet:

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

[Big K]

i beg the tolerence of Christian members, any offence at all but,

during a fantasy role playing game at a very precious moment the King was speaking who was a Non-player character(presented by DM himself)

Dungeon Master: "take this sword, its made of the Jesus Christ's last dish!!"

well it was a long sword(from wiki:over 90 cm (35 in) in length, and weigh typically between 1.2 and 1.4 kg (2½ to 3 lb), with light specimens just below 1 kg (2 lb), and heavy specimens just above 2 kg (4½ lb).)

Player1: isnt it a little bit big!?
DM: well...Jesus was shifting a lot...

[glyn]

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a loonie. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?



'No,' the woman replies, 'I work for Revenue Canada'

[vannor]

Jello,...


Why do ducks have flat feet?

To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet???




To stamp out flaming ducks.

[standoh]

Originally Posted by Blademaster

Short and sweet:

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

[glyn]

The British Military writes performance ratings as Officer Fitness
Reports.The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the
S206.

The following are excerpts taken from actual "206's"....

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

I would not breed from this Officer.

This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely
won't-be.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever
foot was previously in there.

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

Technically sound, but socially impossible.

This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around
at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then
he has aged considerably.

This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.

He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.

This man is depriving a perfectly good village of its idiot.

The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.

[glyn]

Joe has a stutter and works in a laboratory. The phone rings and Joe
answers:

Caller: "Hello, do you have any pipettes?"

Joe: "Yeah, t-two d-d-dogs and a g-gold fish".

[Knaur Amarsh]

Originally Posted by glyn

This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.



This man is depriving a perfectly good village of its idiot.



Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.

[glyn]

A Muslim was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London . After the plane was airborne drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whisky which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.'

[Southie]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room--the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"WHOA!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year