Post Your jokes here

[glyn]

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

[glyn]

These classified adverts were actually put in the paper -

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER: 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES: Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father is Super Dog ... able
to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG: Looks like a rat . Been out a while. Better
be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also one gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK: $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES: California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer; $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE: Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45
Volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything ...

[braindead]

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

[braindead]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[glyn]

As you may have heard, the Bush Administration said every one of us would now get a nice rebate.

If we spend the money at Wal-Mart, it will all go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs.
If we spend it on fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan.
If we purchase electronic gadgets it will all go to Taiwan or Malayasia.

We need to keep that money at home to strengthen our economy here, so the best way to spend it is for prostitutes and beer, the only truly functional businesses still in the US.

[glyn]

I was doing practice approaches when I heard approach control contact another aircraft on a similar mission:

Controller:
"N1234, what are your intentions after this approach?"

N1234:
"I'll be missed approach, and I'd like vectors to the ILS 36."

Controller:
"Missed approach instructions: Climb to 2800 and direct to the VOR."

[... sometime later ...]

N1234:
"Approach, N1234 is missed approach direct to the VOR. Request vectors for the ILS 36."

Control:
"Turn right to 1-1-0 degrees, vector for the ILS. Maintain 2800 feet. I'm showing you at 3400 feet."

N1234:
"Descending to 2800. I'm sorry. I'm having a discussion with the auto-pilot as to which of us is actually pilot-in-command."

[glyn]

The Archbishop of Canterbury has got his way!

British Weather has been declared Muslim.

It's partly Sunni but mainly Shi'ite.

[glyn]

In a recent survey, people from Liverpool have proved to be the most
likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm "Brut", a whopping
86% of Liverpudlians said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison.

[supergreek]

Originally Posted by glyn

The Archbishop of Canterbury has got his way!

British Weather has been declared Muslim.

It's partly Sunni but mainly Shi'ite.

ha ha loved that one

[supergreek]

im not sure if you guys have seen this, but my god i found it funny.

irish navy vs us navy

[Gun Grape]

A sailor in a foreign port walks into a house of ill repute. Puts $1,000.00
on the counter and tells the madam

"I'd like the biggest, ugliest, meanest woman you have and a bologna sandwich."

The Madam says "With that amount of money, I can set you up with a beautiful girl and a 5 course dinner."

Sailor replies "No thank you. I'm not horny.


I'm homesick.

[glyn]

COWBOY POETRY - BUYING A BRA

God Bless them thar dern Cowboys!





I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
'Would you pick me up a bra?'

So without thinkin' I said, 'Sure,'
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, 'I'll be back by three.'

Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat



I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
'I'm here to buy a bra.'

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!

'What kind would you be looking for?'
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
'Thought bras was bras,' I said.



She gave me a disgusted look,
'Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me,' I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.



They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, 'Bag it up,'
And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
'A six-and-seven-eighths.'

'Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right.'
'Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!'



I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

'That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am.'
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, 'Good day.'



My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.


~ Author Unknown ~

[glyn]

A new priest, is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the
older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions' and then the old
priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few
suggestions.

The old priest suggests, 'Cross your arms over your chest, and
rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,'
and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with his hand and
repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest
says, 'Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping
your knee and saying, No ****...what happened next?'

[glyn]

Getting a hairdryer through customs...
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

[Knaur Amarsh]

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What is that, a bonus?

I think the cycle is all backwards. You should die first. Get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs and alcohol. You party. You get ready for High School. You go to grade school and become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities. You become a baby. You go into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as an orgasm.