Post Your jokes here

[glyn]

Easter in Canada..eh!

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said 'Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey.' St. Peter said, 'Noooooo,' and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde, a Brit, said 'Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts.' St. Peter said, 'Noooooo,' and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, 'So, tell me.' She said, 'Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb
behind a very large boulder ... '
St. Peter said, 'Verrrrrry good.' Then the blonde continued, 'Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey.'

St. Peter fainted.

[Skull6]

"...six more weeks of hockey."

I can dig it!

[Shamus]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
Grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if
The ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[texasjohn]

OMG!!! LOL!!!

good one there Shamus... where ya been lately guy????

[sun]

Family Problems

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.


The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once." We call this arranged marriage.


I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."


The American said, Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.


I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. "After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.


Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.


More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson.


Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson..


And you say you have family problems..


Gimme a break !!

[glyn]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle in Botswana and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

+Grilled Female Safari Explorer from West Coast of U.S.: $5
+ Broiled Female Safari Explorer from the East Coast of U.S.: $10
+ Fried Democrat: $150
+ Baked, Fried or Grilled Republican: $15

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Democrat?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of ****, it takes all morning."

[glyn]

A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.

The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and
then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!!

The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd
again cheers "RUN!! RUN!!"

The scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls:"Walk."
The batter starts his slow trot to first base.

The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard rrrun!"

The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back
down.

A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains,
"He can't run -- he has four balls."

The Scot stands up and screams:
"Walk with pride, Laddie! Walk with pride!"

[glyn]

Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while

the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward

to the front at the altar. Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn,

the preacher asks: 'Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?'

Leroy replies: 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.'

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other

hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few

minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy:

Leroy, how is your hearing now?'

Leroy says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday

[glyn]

I dreamed of an airline pilot's career.In it was the FAA, crew scheduling, bad schedules, bad management, unserviceable aircraft equipment, changing weather, no extra holding fuel, ever-changing procedures, endless flight manual revisions, dead heading in the middle seat, broken and lost luggage, nasty passenger agents, crabby 65+ year old 170 lb. flight attendants that were 4 axe-handle wide, all-nighters, foreign countries, sleep deprivation, mergers, seniority squabbles, company threats,food poisoning, no food, bad coffee, bidding, pulled away from my family for weeks at a time, fleabag hotels, late cabs and maniac cab drivers, bidding vacation, waiting for gates, weather, low visibility approaches, aircraft de-icing, PCs, Gestapo FAA and company check air man, medicals, commuting to and from work in unspeakable weather, the parking lot from Hell, parking lot buses, inter-terminal busses, spring break, Christmas rush, Easter rush, PA"PC" announcements, insurance, unscheduled drug and alcohol testing, noise violations, customs lineups, dry cleaning, terrorism, security passes, rude security personnel, high gas/oil prices, pay cuts, pensions reduced/eliminated, rush hour traffic, that infernal alarm clock, crash pads, catching cold away from home, lackadaisical crew members, sexual harassment threats, flight attendants and co-pilots implying that they are a gift to aviation after being there a year, back biting, gossip, cell phones, aircraft cram courses, plus laying my job on the line several times a year with simulators, quick access data recorders to spy on pilot procedures, endless procedural memorization and Annual Recurrent Training days.

Then I woke up and joyously found myself Still Retired! Whew!!!

[GAU-8]

Originally Posted by glyn

I dreamed of an airline pilot's career.In it was the FAA, crew scheduling, bad schedules, bad management, unserviceable aircraft equipment, changing weather, no extra holding fuel, ever-changing procedures, endless flight manual revisions, dead heading in the middle seat, broken and lost luggage, nasty passenger agents, crabby 65+ year old 170 lb. flight attendants that were 4 axe-handle wide, all-nighters, foreign countries, sleep deprivation, mergers, seniority squabbles, company threats,food poisoning, no food, bad coffee, bidding, pulled away from my family for weeks at a time, fleabag hotels, late cabs and maniac cab drivers, bidding vacation, waiting for gates, weather, low visibility approaches, aircraft de-icing, PCs, Gestapo FAA and company check air man, medicals, commuting to and from work in unspeakable weather, the parking lot from Hell, parking lot buses, inter-terminal busses, spring break, Christmas rush, Easter rush, PA"PC" announcements, insurance, unscheduled drug and alcohol testing, noise violations, customs lineups, dry cleaning, terrorism, security passes, rude security personnel, high gas/oil prices, pay cuts, pensions reduced/eliminated, rush hour traffic, that infernal alarm clock, crash pads, catching cold away from home, lackadaisical crew members, sexual harassment threats, flight attendants and co-pilots implying that they are a gift to aviation after being there a year, back biting, gossip, cell phones, aircraft cram courses, plus laying my job on the line several times a year with simulators, quick access data recorders to spy on pilot procedures, endless procedural memorization and Annual Recurrent Training days.

Then I woke up and joyously found myself Still Retired! Whew!!!

Would be funny if most were not true.

I'm posting this on my company beech board. Thanks.

[glyn]

A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all
one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quay.
As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed
her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you babe?" he
asked.
"Yes, I am." replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the
edge. "Look, nothing's worth that. ..... I'll tell you what; I'm sailing
off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a
new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck,
bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look
after me - if you know what I mean? You just have to keep very quiet so
that you won't be found".
The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her
on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her
lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her
until dawn.
Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine
inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to
find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.
The girl came clean, "I've stowed away to get to Australia. One of the
sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and
water every night and he's screwing me."
The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied, "He certainly
is love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry

[glyn]

Various news media are reporting that Heather Mills McCartney is going to
buy a plane with the proceeds of the £25 million divorce settlement, but she
will continue to use a razor on the good leg.

[tim52]

Charley, a new retiree who had hired on as a greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company; obviously demonstrating their "Older Person-Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General! Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"

[glyn]

An Israeli doctor said,
'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said,
'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said,
'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said

'Hah!. We can take an ******** out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours

[tankie]

A Muslim went to G.W. Bush and asked him , why were there no Muslims in star trek , he said there are aliens ,christians, blacks, whites ,greens , But no Muslims , WHY .


Dubya replied ,, ahhhh thats because its set in the , FUTURE .