Post Your jokes here

[T_igger_cs_30]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house"

[T_igger_cs_30]

The other day, Mrs T_igger and I went into town shopping,

We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a pensioner a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a shithead.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care.

We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day. It's important at our age.

[braindead]

That was brilliant !!

[T_igger_cs_30]

Dear Dr Phil,

ATT6711402111.gif

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.

As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks.

P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught





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Dear Fisherman,
Get rid of that narrow minded wife.
That's a nice pair of bass!

Sincerely,

Dr. Phil

[Taboo]

A woman who had previously divorced ten husbands married for the 11th time. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

[T_igger_cs_30]

BBC NEWS | Middle East | Israeli MP blames quakes on gays

I really did not know where to put this

[glyn]

The Teacher Applicant

After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect said, "Let me see if I've got this right:

"You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their

disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

"You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self-esteem and personal pride.

"You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

"You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.


"You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

"You want me to do all this and then you tell me...

"I CAN'T PRAY?"

[THL]

[texasjohn]

Dr. Suess lost Poem

[JAD_333]

Noah meets Zoning, etal.

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now
> living in the United States, and said, "Once again,
> the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I
> see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark
> and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
> humans."
>
> He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6
> months to build the Ark before I will start the unending
> rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
>
> Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
> weeping in his yard -- but no Ark.
>
> "Noah!" he roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where
> is the Ark?"
>
> "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have
> changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing
> with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
> My neighbors claim that I've violated the
> neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and
> exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the
> Development Appeal Board for a decision.
>
> Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond
> be posted for the future costs of moving power lines
> and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage
> for the Ark's move to the sea.. I told them that the
> sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing
> of it.
>
> Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on
> cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
> I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
> needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
>
> When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights
> group sued me.
>
> They insisted that I was confining wild animals
> against their will. They argued the accommodation was too
> restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so
> many animals in a confined space.
>
> Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until
> they'd conducted an environmental impact study on
> your proposed flood.
>
> I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human
> Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed
> to hire for my building crew.
>
> Immigration and Naturalization is checking the
> green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
>
> The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist
> I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building
> experience.
>
> To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets,
> claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with
> endangered species.
>
> So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
> years for me to finish this Ark."
>
> Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
> and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up
> in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to
> destroy the world?"
>
> "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

[glyn]

George Farthing, an expatriate British man living in America, who was
recently diagnosed as clinically depressed, was dosed up on
anti-depressants and scheduled for controversial electro-shock therapy when doctors realised he wasn't depressed at all--only British.

'Not depressed, just British'

Mr Farthing, a British man whose characteristic pessimism and gloomy
perspective were interpreted as serious clinical depression, was led on a
nightmare journey through the American psychiatric system.

Doctors described Farthing as suffering with Pervasive Negative
Anticipation--a belief that everything will turn out for the worst, whether
it's trains arriving late, England's chances at winning any international
sports event or even his own prospects to get ahead in life and achieve
his dreams.

"The satisfaction Mr Farthing seemed to get from his pessimism seemed
>particularly pathological," reported the doctors.

"They put me on everything-Lithium, Prozac, St John's Wort," said Mr.
Farthing. "They even told me to sit in front of a big light for an hour a
day or I'd become suicidal. I kept telling them this was all pointless and
they said that it was exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in
the first place."

Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a course of
"weapons-grade MDMA", the only noticeable effect of which was six hours of
speedy repetitions of the phrases "mustn't grumble" and "not too bad, really".

It was then that Mr Farthing was referred to a psychotherapist.

Suicidal?

Dr Isaac Harvey explored Mr Farthing's family history and couldn't believe
his ears."His story of a childhood growing up in a grey little town where
it rained every day, treeless streets of identical houses and passionately
backing a football team who never won, seemed to be typical depressive
ideation or false memory. Mr Farthing had six months of therapy but seemed
to mainly want to talk about the weather--how miserable and cold it was in
winter, and later how difficult and hot it was in summer. I felt he wasn't
responding to therapy at all and so I recommended drastic action-namely
ECT, or electro-shock therapy".

"I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the
rubber bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my accent," said Mr Farthing. "I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think we're making a terrible mistake'."

Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of British comedy, which gave her an
understanding of the British psyche. "Classic comedy characters like Tony
Hancock, Albert Steptoe and Frank Spencer are all hopeless cases with no
chance of ever doing well or escaping their circumstances," she explained
to the baffled US medics. "That's considered funny in Britain and is not seen
as pathological at all."

Identifying Mr Farthing as British changed his diagnosis from "clinical
depression" to "rather quaint and charming" and he was immediately
discharged from hospital, with a selection of brightly coloured leaflets
and an "I love New York" T-shirt.

[glyn]

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word 'service.'

'It's the act of doing things for others.'

Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word 'service.' This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective.
Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

[Gun Grape]

Originally Posted by JAD_333

Noah meets Zoning, etal.

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now
> living in the United States, and said, "Once again,
> the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I
> see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark
> and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
> humans."
>
> He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6
> months to build the Ark before I will start the unending
> rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
>
> Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
> weeping in his yard -- but no Ark.
>
> "Noah!" he roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where
> is the Ark?"
>
> "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have
> changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing
> with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

Wow thats too close to the truth to be funny.

[Southie]

You Can't Outwit the Kids

THEY'RE FUN...


TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Why are you late Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School ahead. Go slow."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your multiplication on
the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Greg, how would you spell "crocodile?"
GREG: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No Greg, that's incorrect.
GREG: Maybe it's incorrect, but you asked me how "I"
spelled it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Ryan, what is the chemical formula for water?
RYAN: H I J K L M N O
TEACHER: Ryan, what are you talking about?
RYAN: Well, yesterday you said it was H to O.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Hunter, name one important thing that we have
today that we didn't have 10 years ago.
HUNTER: Me!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Adam, why do you always get so dirty?
ADAM: Well, I guess it's because I'm a lot closer to the
ground than you are.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Beth, give me a sentence starting with "I".
BETH: I is...........
TEACHER: No Beth....Always say "I am".....not "I is".
BETH: All right........."I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his
father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now
Alex, do you know why his father didn't punish
him?
ALEX: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Now, Macy, tell me frankly, do you say prayers
before eating?
MACY: No Mam, I don't have to. My Mom is a good
cook.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Daniel, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly
the same as your brother's composition. Did you
copy off of him?
DANIEL: No teacher, it's the same dog.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEACHER: Parker, what do you call a person who keeps on
talking to people who are no longer interested?
PARKER: A Teacher.

[texasjohn]

With all the Hispanics around nowadays, here is what Room service sounds like:

Telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room service.
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
Room Service:: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: "What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine"
Room Service: "Hokay. An San tos?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "San tos. July San tos?"
Guest: "I don't think so"
Room Service: "No? Judo one toes??"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
Room Service: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
Guest: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
Room Service: "We bother?"
Guest: "No..just put the bother on the side."
Room Service: "Wad?"
Guest: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
Room Service: "Copy?"
Guest: "Sorry?"
Room Service: "Copy...tea...mill?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
Room Service: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
Guest: "Whatever you say"
Room Service: "Tendjewberrymud"
Guest: "You're welcome"