Post Your jokes here

[glyn]

It has long been contended that there are male jokes
and there are female jokes. And there are unisex jokes.
Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.

I offer it to you in the hopes that women
will love it and men will pass it along to
a woman who will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying
an after work cocktail with her girlfriends
when an exceptionally tall, handsome,
extremely sexy middle-aged man entered.
He was so striking that the woman
could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her
overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.
(As all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies
for so rudely staring, he leaned over
and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything,
absolutely anything, that you want me to do,
no matter how kinky, for $20.00 on one condition.'
(There are always conditions!)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied,
'You have to tell me what you want me to do
in just three words.' (Controlling, huh?)

The woman considered his proposition
for a moment, and then slowly removed
a $20 bill from her purse, which she
pressed into the man's hand along with her address.
She looked deeply into his eyes,
and slowly and meaningfully said . . . .
'Clean my house.'

[texasjohn]

Our Dumb World | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Be sure and click on the onions for news, tidbits etc.

[Southie]

One for the girls

Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord
my shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles, Please no bags

And please lift my butt before it sags.

Please no age spots, Please no gray

And as for my belly, Please take it away.

Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,

And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other!

Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'

[glyn]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a
girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no
passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with
a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too
emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a
drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was
boring. She was totally predictable and never got
excited about anything. Life became so dull that I
decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't
keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to
another, never settling on anything. She did mad
impetuous things and made me miserable as often as
happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic,
but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with
some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with
her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married
her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and
took everything I owned.




I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl
with big *****

[glyn]

A Fly, a Fish, a Bear, A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.


There is a moral to this story.....


In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

"Gosh..if I go down three inches I will feel the mist

>From the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking,


"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking,


"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches

That fish will jump for the fly...

And I will grab the fish!!"

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank

Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....


"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches..

And that fish leaps for it...

That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.

I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank,

But I can tell you, there's more to the story....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,


"Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches..

And that fish jumps for that fly.

And that bear grabs for that fish..

The dumb hunter will shoot the bear

And drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,



"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..

And that fish jumps for that fly .

And that bear grabs for that fish

And that hunter shoots that bear.

And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .

Then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he

Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly..

The bear grabs the fish..

The hunter shoots the bear..

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse..

The mouse ducks...

THE CAT FALLS INTO THE WATER AND DROWNS.

NOW,..... The Moral Of The Story....



Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

SOME ***** IS GONNA BE IN SERIOUS DANGER
A Fly

[glyn]

The Ride

We are all on quite a ride....


Turn up the sound . This clever piece originated in Australia. It is so very well done most folks don't realize how much info he is sharing! The jingle is sung by Eric Idle (former member of Monty Python).


Just click once on the link below or paste it.

Speakers on. Photos by NASA.

Enjoy Your Journey....!!!

http://dingo.care-mail.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf

[T_igger_cs_30]

So Bono, the lead singer of the rock band U2,is famous throughout the industry for being more than just a little self righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Scotland (Glasgow) he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in silence, he started to clap his hands,once every few seconds. Holding the audience in complete silence, he said into the microphone,

"every time I clap my hands, a child dies in Afrika"

From the front of the audience a guy with a very glaswegian accent lubricated nicely with a dram or two of the good stuff, shouted out....



"Well f***ing stop doing it you evil B**t**d !!!!!

[dundonrl]

the other recruiter in my office was listening to the radio in Hawaii, when they had a contest about "funny names" that were actually real.. they received a call from a US Navy Sailor, who said that when her job title was combined with her name it was rather "humerous", but she didn't know if she could say it on the air.. they took her off line and when they came back on the air, they said it was ok.. her title and name.. "Seaman Guzzler"

[SteaminDemon]

So an engineer walks into a plumbing supply store. There stands a beutiful woman at the counter. He tells her "I need some 1 3/4" nipples right away!". The woman says "slow down sugar, you can make some money with these instead " as she unbuttons her shirt. The engineer says no thanks, pays and grabs the bag of 1 3/4" nipples and before he gets to the door, the woman asks him "why didn't you take me up on that offer!?" The engineer says, " hell no, I can get all the nipples I want, and these nipples in the bag alone will make me $85 an hour. On the other hand If I were to pimp you and your nipples for $85 an hour, I would only get to keep half of the money anyway."

[SteaminDemon]

Originally Posted by dundonrl

the other recruiter in my office was listening to the radio in Hawaii, when they had a contest about "funny names" that were actually real.. they received a call from a US Navy Sailor, who said that when her job title was combined with her name it was rather "humerous", but she didn't know if she could say it on the air.. they took her off line and when they came back on the air, they said it was ok.. her title and name.. "Seaman Guzzler"

There was a guy around RTC with the last name Dumpster. My buddy and I had to look twice at the name tape. Seaman Dumpster, lol

[SteaminDemon]

Santa Claus:An Engineers Perspective
I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau).
At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--- Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accellerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

[T_igger_cs_30]

Originally Posted by SteaminDemon

Santa Claus:An Engineers Perspective
I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau).
At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--- Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accellerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

You B*s**rd !!

[Southie]

Originally Posted by dundonrl

the other recruiter in my office was listening to the radio in Hawaii, when they had a contest about "funny names" that were actually real.. they received a call from a US Navy Sailor, who said that when her job title was combined with her name it was rather "humerous", but she didn't know if she could say it on the air.. they took her off line and when they came back on the air, they said it was ok.. her title and name.. "Seaman Guzzler"

Regarding "humerous" names, the records room at our school holds all the "cumulative" records. When I get mail from downtown to file something in a students records it is addressed to the "C um" office. The door sign however reads "Records" room.

[glyn]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. 'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: 'So,Murphy, how was your day?'
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'
'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''
'Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes.'

[glyn]

THE VOODOO PENIS

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought
he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop
& explained his situation.

The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her
occupied for so many weeks, except... the Voodoo Penis!'

The husband said 'The what'? The man repeated ' The Voodoo Penis'
and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed,
and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the
keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack
began to form down the middle. Then the man said 'Voodoo Penis, return to
box!' and the penis stopped & returned to the box.

The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband
had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis. She
undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch'. The penis
shot to her crotch.

It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she
became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it
out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn
it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve over the
road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anything to drink officer.
You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop
screwing me...'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied

'Yeah right... Voodoo Penis, my ass...!'

The rest, as they say, is history