Post Your jokes here

[standoh]

Heaven is a place where the lovers are French, the chefs Italian, the drivers are German, the Cops British and it's all organised by the Swiss.






























Hell is a place where the lovers are Swiss, the chefs British, the cops German, the drivers French and it's all organised by the Italians.

[glyn]

A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few
weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was
in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Boaby McKay, a local
lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Boaby, like many Glasgow folk, had little sense but possessed ample ability
to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a
solution. Boaby was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to
mate with the gorilla for £500? Boaby showed some interest, but said he
would have to think the matter over carefully.


The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only
under four conditions:


1. First ", Boaby said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips." The Keeper
quickly agreed to this condition.


2. "Second," he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this." The Keeper
again readily agreed to this condition.


3. "Third," Boaby said, "I want all the weans raised as Rangers fans." Once
again it was agreed.


4. "And last of all", Boaby stated, "You gotta give me another week to come
up with the £500"

[glyn]

We Green Bay Packers fans amuse ourselves by scaring every Chicago fan
we see strutting down the street with that obnoxious orange & black
'C' on their coats.
We would swerve our cars as if to hit them, and then swerve back just
missing them.
One day, while driving along, I saw a priest walking.
I thought I would do a good deed, so I pulled over and asked the
priest, 'Where are you going Father?'
'I'm going to give mass at St Francis Church, about 2 miles down the
road,' replied the priest.
'Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!'
The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and we continued down
the road. Suddenly, I saw a Bears fan with his 'C' coat, walking down
the road.
I instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, I swerved
back into the road just in time. Even though I was certain that I had
missed the guy, I still heard a loud 'THUD.'
Not understanding where the noise came from, I glanced in my mirrors
but didn't see anything. I then remembered the priest, and turned to
the priest and said, 'Sorry Father, I almost hit that Chicago fan.'
'That's OK,' replied the priest, 'I got him with the door.'

[JAD_333]

Mexico Drops Out Of 2008 Summer Olympics

President Felipe Calderón of Mexico has announced Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics. He stated, "Casi cada uno que puede fun cionar, saltar, O la nadada ha salido ya del país."



Translation:


"Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."

[glyn]

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote".

[ShawnG]

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He
marched Straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing Welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.
Becau se of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to Escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to Satisfy her sexual urges
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The
salary is 200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bull$h!ttin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well. You started it."

[ShawnG]

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:


Dave...............................


Dave......................


Dave...........




You're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard".

[standoh]

Originally Posted by ShawnG

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:


Dave...............................


Dave......................


Dave...........




You're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard".

Now why am I thinking of an antipodean?

[Jay]

Got this as a forward. Russians and English, no offense meant...


Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa, she is half discovered, half wild..

Between the ages of 22 - 30 a woman is like America, Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.


Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like China, India & Japan, Very hot, wise and beautiful.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France, she is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany, she lost the war but not the hope.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia, Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England with a glorious past but no future.

After 70, they become Siberia, Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

[glyn]

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill, and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased, and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning, there is a 'thank you' card, and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.









Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card, and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.









Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card, & a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' & 'Becoming More Successful'.









Then, a Politician comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.









And that, my friends, illustrates the Fundamental difference between the Citizens of our country and the members of our Government.

[jame$thegreat]

Not really jokes, but may bring a smile to your face...


Here are a few military comebacks...

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the
Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of
empire building' by George Bush.

He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of
its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond
our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is
enough to bury those that did not return.

It became very quiet in the room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then there was a conference in France where a number of international
engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break
one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard
the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to
Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb
them?'

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three
hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear
powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they
have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a
day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water
each day,

And they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and
injured to and from their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many
does France have?'

Once again, dead silence.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals
from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a
cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers
that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting
away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly
complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn
only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak
English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the
Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to
speak German.'

You could have heard a pin drop

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour.
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentlem an of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry
on. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked
sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in
France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly
explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help
liberate this country, I couldn't find any damn Frenchmen to show it to."

[glyn]

[quote=jame$thegreat;456794]Not really jokes, but may bring a smile to your face...


Here are a few military comebacks...

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the
Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of
empire building' by George Bush.

He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of
its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond
our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is
enough to bury those that did not return.

It became very quiet in the room.

Please check your facts before posting!

Comments: Here's a prime example of how facts become garbled when run through the rumor mill.

Although U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell did utter words similar to the above, he was not in England at the time, nor was he addressing the current Archbishop of Canterbury, nor was he responding to a question about "empire building."

The actual occasion was an address to the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland on January 26, 2003, wherein Powell defended the U.S. government's position that the use of military force against Saddam Hussein, unilateral or otherwise, was not only justified but necessary if the complete disarmament of Iraq could not be achieved by other means.

In a question-and-answer session afterwards (during which the phrase "empire building" was never mentioned, incidentally), the secretary of state was asked by former Archbishop of Canterbury George Carey if he felt the U.S and its allies had given due consideration to the use of "soft power" — promulgating moral and democratic values as a means of achieving progress towards international peace and stability, basically — versus the "hard power" of military force.

[jame$thegreat]

[quote=glyn;456800]

Originally Posted by jame$thegreat

Not really jokes, but may bring a smile to your face...


Here are a few military comebacks...

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the
Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of
empire building' by George Bush.

He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of
its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond
our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is
enough to bury those that did not return.

It became very quiet in the room.

Please check your facts before posting!

Comments: Here's a prime example of how facts become garbled when run through the rumor mill.

Although U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell did utter words similar to the above, he was not in England at the time, nor was he addressing the current Archbishop of Canterbury, nor was he responding to a question about "empire building."

The actual occasion was an address to the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland on January 26, 2003, wherein Powell defended the U.S. government's position that the use of military force against Saddam Hussein, unilateral or otherwise, was not only justified but necessary if the complete disarmament of Iraq could not be achieved by other means.

In a question-and-answer session afterwards (during which the phrase "empire building" was never mentioned, incidentally), the secretary of state was asked by former Archbishop of Canterbury George Carey if he felt the U.S and its allies had given due consideration to the use of "soft power" — promulgating moral and democratic values as a means of achieving progress towards international peace and stability, basically — versus the "hard power" of military force.

My mother sent this to me in an e-mail. She said she checked it on snopes before she sent it, so I figured it was safe to post. Apparently not with such astute readers mulling about.

[tankie]

Interesting Thoughts for the Day If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try this at home Deb ( maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the f...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality overquantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue , Deb. (Hmmmmmm...... )

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ( I know some people like that suicide bombers comes to mind )

Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too as in above )

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

[ShawnG]

After going through a virus attack, losing a hard drive, fighting off hackers, upgrading all my software, installing firewalls, being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider, and a host of other problems...

I have fixed my computer...


and NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!