Post Your jokes here

[dave lukins]

I didn't realise you needed viagra for that

[furkensturker]

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):

"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."


Freddie

[glyn]

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges".
That's why we have Molly the Camel."

The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about "urges", so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No not really, sir... They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are

[tankie]

Originally Posted by furkensturker

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):

"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."


Freddie

[standoh]

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room. He says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."


So she gets up and unplugs the TV.

[standoh]

I have a theory that flesh eating bacteria are just regular bacteria on a low-carb diet.

[standoh]

I would think that when God needs a break
from the pressure of running the universe,
He takes a couple of Almightiagra tablets
to temporarily relieve His omnipotence.

[ShawnG]

Three quarterbacks, Manning, Romo and Tom Brady, go to heaven to visit God and watch the Celtics play a game. God decides who will sit next to him by asking the boys a question...

God asks Peyton Manning first: 'What do you believe?' Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, 'I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving.

I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans.' God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, 'What do you believe?' Tony says,'I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields.' God is greatly moved by Tony's sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Tom Brady, 'And you, Tom, what do you believe? '

Tom replies, 'I believe you're in my seat.'

[Southie]

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old
to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...


If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business . What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I
can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

[omon]

1970's ussr, three guys check into a hotel room, shortly after start drinking and talk polytics, so 1 guy desides to play a joke on his buddys.
he leaves the room, finds a room service lady, pays her, and says, "in exactly 20 min, bring 3 cups of tea, with lemon to room xxx.
comes back to the room, and in about 10 min, tells his buddys, " you should be very carefull, what you say in this hotel, kgb is listening to every one."
his friends, say, " b.s. there is no kgb, they have better things to do than, listen to us drunks."
so the guy says, "ok, whatch this," he starts speaking into electrical outlet," hello, capitan, since you are listening anyway, would you please tell room service lady, to bring us 3 cups of tea, and lemon as well."
shortly after, room service comes with 3 cups of tea.
2 guys are shocked, shut their mouth and go to sleep. early in the morning knock on the door wakes them up, they open the door, and see 2 real kgb agents, 1 says" you 2 come with us, but you, are free to go, capitan liked your tea joke".

[standoh]

* Did you take a bath?" --> "Why, Is there one missing?"
* "Are you chewing gum?" -->"No, I'm John Smith."
* "I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."-->"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"
* "What are you going to be when you graduate?"-->"An old man"
* "I spent three years in college taking medicine."-->"Are you well now?"
* Do you say a prayer before you eat?"-->"No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."
* "I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for Dinner."-->"Who wants to eat friends?"
* "We are having mother for dinner, darling."-->"Make sure she's well done."
* "I want some rat poison."-->"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"
* "It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the Other."-->"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."
* "May I hold your hand?"-->"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."
* "Does water always come through the roof in this place?"-->"No, sir, only when it rains."
* "When will you straighten out the house, dear?"-->"Why? Is it tilted?"
* "Do you have big plastic bins?"-->"Yes, how many bodies do you want to dispose of"
* "Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"-->"No, you'll have to walk"
* "Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"-->But why? My wife isn't dangerous."
* "I have changed! My mind."-->Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"
* Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?-->Customer: What other colors do you have?

[Big K]

the King:
so,
you met this girl in the forest,
today,
and she was living with 7 dwarves!!?
and she was dead!!?
and when you kissed her she woke up!!?
and her mother is a witch!!?

and you wanna mary her!!!??!...

[Bad Karma]

I'm completely addicted to placebos, I would quit, but then I thought whats the point.

There has been some debate over whether to call someone a homocide bomber or a suicide bomber. There is no question what this guy is though.

Joe Cartoon

[T_igger_cs_30]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,
"GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,

''YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!''

"DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING
HER."

"HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

"A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE
HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY F****** TEETH WITH HER!'

[tankie]

Old ones r the best ol mate ,, heres one in a similar vane ,

I hired a blow up doll for 50 pounds and took it back next day to complain , the guy said whats wrong with it , i said it kept going down on me , he said if i had know that i would have charged you double .