Post Your jokes here

[glyn]

A farmer notices that his horse is sick. He calls the veterinarian.

The vet tells him his horse is infected with a virus and that he will prescribe some medication.

If the medication hasn't worked within three days, the horse will have to be shot.

The pig of the farm had heard everything. He goes to the barn and tells the horse: make an effort, get up!» But the horse is too weak. on the second day, the pig goes back to the barn:
Come on horse get up. But the horse is still not strong enough.

On the third day the pig tells him. « Get up right away, they're going to kill you today! The medicine still doesn't work, but the horse manages to gather enough strength to get up in the presence of the farmer and the veterinarian.
The farmer is all happy, and says:
Let's celebrate! I'm gonna BBQ the pig! .

The moral of this story: Mind your own f------- business…

[WhamBam]

A guy went out golfing and took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he dropped to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and taped it all together; a pretty impressive piece of work.

The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said, "You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before." He tore off his pants and said, "Honey, look at this, still in its original crate!"

[glyn]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not
understand what ye put yer old mum thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Snif f, sniff....dad. ...I became a
prostitute....'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this family.'

'OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5
million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the
sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside
plus a membership in the country
club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New
Years Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and....'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff ... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!'

[Gun Grape]

The Air Force has the most intelligent enlisted people. This is not just theory, it's provable fact:

Take the Army, for instance. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up from a bellow from the First Sergeant. He grabs a set of BDUs out of his foot locker, gets dressed, runs down to the chow-hall for a breakfast on the run, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, men."

Now take the Marines. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine recruit is kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant, puts on a muddy set of Cammies because he just got back in from the field three hours before. He gets no hot breakfast, but is told to feel free to break into his MREs.. He runs out and forms up with his rifle. Pretty soon, his company commander comes out, a young Captain, Gives his Marines a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Marines!"

Now take the Navy. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast on the messdeck.. He walks 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!"

Now the Air Force. When the stuff hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call in his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on a fresh uniform he had just picked up from the cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car, and stops at McDonalds for a McMuffin on his way into work. Once he arrives at work, he signs in on the duty roster and proceeds to his F-16. He spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, signs off the forms. Pretty soon the Pilot, a young captain gets out and straps into the Plane. He starts the engines. Our Young Airman stands at attention, gives the Captain a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sir!"

[GAU-8]

BRAVO GUN!

Heard this one many times over many beers from many crew chiefs. You did it justice.

[WhamBam]

A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.

"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."

"My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave 'em all a phony name."

[ArmchairGeneral]

GENERAL:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, gives policy to God.

COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God.

LT. COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in indoor swimming pool, talks to God if a DA-4187 request form is approved.

MAJOR:
Barely clears Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with switch-engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God.

CAPTAIN:
Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, dog paddles, talks to animals.

1ST LIEUTENANT:
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed in the Mae-West, talks to walls.

2ND LIEUTENANT:
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings, says look at the Choo-Choo, wets himself, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself.

SERGEANT MAJOR
Lifts tall buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, HE IS GOD.

[furkensturker]

This is a poem about a man called Christopher Skase who defrauded millions of dollars from shareholders of his companies. He could see the writing on the wall and did a runner to Spain. Then when the Australian Government tried to extradite him he claimed he was too sick to travel due to emphaseima. He went to the extradition court in Spain, in a wheel chair claiming again his emphaseima was so bad he could not travel. The Spanish Government fell for the story and he got to stay in Spain, living it up on all the Millions of $ stolen from Australia. A miracle then happened, he was seen and filmed at the Golf, no cart, and playing tennis, yes running around the court, but he was too sick to face a court back here.

Christopher Skase - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

But as fate would have it, he got stomach cancer and died in Spain
The poem is a parody of "Clancey of the overflow" by Banjo Paterson.

I don't profess to be the author, but whoever it was he did good

Freddie

Skasey Of the Overdraft
(With sincere apologies to Banjo Paterson)

They had issued him a warrant which they had in light of current
Knowledge, sent to where he's holed up in Majorca on his arse,
He was fleeing from a debt, about the size of the alphabet
So Vanstone got in touch with 'Skasey, of The Overdraft".

And an answer came directed in a language unexpected,
(And I think the same was written with a fat gold fountain pen)
'Twas his Pixie who had wrote it, and verbatim I will quote it:
'Chris is sick ya mongrel bastards, and he won't be back again'.

In my room, which ain't too spacey, visions come to me of Skasey
In his rich palatial mansion sucking cocktails by the pool,
As the thousands who he swindled, with diminished savings dwindled,
battle on to scratch a living and kick themselves for fools.

And Skase hath friends to meet him, and his doctors' voices greet him
As they stick him in a wheelchair, behind an oxy mask,
For they hath only one mission, to prevent his extradition,
For he pays them handsome pesos, almost anything they ask.

Chris is sitting with his lawyers in a Spanish courthouse foyer,
Cooking desperate deputations to stay out on the lam,
And now by way of answer emphysema's turned to cancer,
Whose miraculous remission hinges just on how things scan.

And in place of senoritas I can hear the bleeding bleaters
In our parliament declaring 'sorry, but our hands are tied',
For back here in Australia our greatest business failure
Exacts a secret admiration for what they wish they'd tried.

But if he's truly dying then I'd have to say I'm lying
If I didn't think that karma was consigning him to hell,
For the millions that he stole in his corporate robber's role
Match the number in his body of every cancerous cell.

And I sometimes wish with Skasey that the law weren't prima facie,
Then we'd track him down and park his bloody wheelchair up his arse,
But Don Quintex and Sancho Pixie will once more whistle Dixie
'Cos I'm sure he'll find a loophole, Skasey of The Overdraft.

[furkensturker]

Space age run by the Roman Empire

For the engineers among us...
Did you ever Wonder Why....The Space Shuttle's solid rocket boosters are the
size that they are.....

The US standard railroad gauge (width between the two rails) is 4 feet,8 1/2 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads?

The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots first formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8 1/2 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed
a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly
right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to
accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Thus, we have the answer to the original question. Now the extra-terrestrial twist to the story...

When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.
The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced
transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of horse's butts.
And you wonder why it's so hard to get ahead in this world

Freddie

[furkensturker]

This was sent to me a while back, not sure if it's real, but it sounds good.

Freddie

Year 8 exam


This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 from Salina, Kansas, USA.
It was taken from the original document on file at the Smoky Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS and reprinted by the Salina Journal.

8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS - 1895

Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.
2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.
4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal Parts of do, lie, lay and run.
5. Define Case, Illustrate each Case.
6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)
2.
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50 cts. per bu., deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary
levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for
incidentals?
5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per Lyn yd?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per are, the distance around which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607 1620 1800 1849 1865 Orthography (Time, one hour)
1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic, orthography,
etymology, syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified3. What are the following,
and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters,
linguals?
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'.
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e'. Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: Bi, dis,
mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, super.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: Card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences, Cite, site, sight, fane, fain,
feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by
use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)
1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba,
Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fermandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centres of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give inclination of the earth.
- -------------------------------------------------

Imagine a college student who went to public school trying to pass this test, even if the few outdated questions were modernised.

More importantly, how many of today's teachers could pass this test?

Gives the saying of an early 20th century person that "she/he only had
an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning!

[furkensturker]

This has a different twist:
Cats & Butter
An Engineering magazine held a competition inviting its readers to submit new scientific theories on ANY subject. Here is the winner:

(Subject: Perpetual Motion)

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.

.......and then this mail got this reply from one of the recipients.
I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jatz crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.

Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:

p = s * t(t)/tc, where p is the probability of carpet impact s is the"stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet.

Vegemite, (that wonderful black breakfast spread) for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero. tc and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even Vegemite won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.

So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use Vegemite and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet. Therefore a cat with Vegemite on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the Royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it couldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research. Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with Vegemite floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.

Using the same logic, go away and try to prove it doesn’t work
Measurements using SMIDGINS, POOFTEENTH’S AND BEES DICKS, will not be counted.

Works for me.

Freddie

[WhamBam]

A 54-year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year old boy toy.

Since you are an accountant, you will appreciate that 18 go into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

[Julie]

Muhahahaha....I really like that one.

[glyn]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder....Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they go ahead with it, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work out? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggle d. "Yes," he informed the couple,
"You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted.

"It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!

Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"

[WhamBam]

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."