Post Your jokes here

[glyn]

No Nativity Scene in Downing Street this Christmas.

The High Court is said to have ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Downing Street this Christmas.

This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason at all. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capital. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.

[WhamBam]

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is as much glucose in male semen as there is in sugar?"

"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of he class.... Never to return.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of the tongue and not in the back of the throat".

[WhamBam]

"Democrats announced today that they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance.

A condom "stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others."

[glyn]

Country Funeral



As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.



I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, stepped to the side of the open grave and saw that the vault lid was already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before, from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[Canmoore]

Superman was flying high above Metropolis, when he spotted superwoman lying naked spread eagle on a roof-top.

Superman thought to himself.. hmm I bet I can fly down there, bang super woman, than fly back up hear so fast that she wouldn't even know what happened!!.

So in the blink of an eye, superman swooshed down, shagged superwoman, than roared back up to the stratosphere, and chuckled to himself.

Meanwhile back on the rooftop, superwoman said what the **** was that!?!?

I don't know, but my ass sure hurts replied the invisible boy!

[glyn]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the
first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the
back fence and I made love to you.

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again
and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their
conversation and,having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to
see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an
eye on them so there's no trouble.- - - - - - - So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other
for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then
suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud
noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse,
panting on the ground
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something
about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the
old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is
truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that
was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together.Is there
some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, " Fifty years ago
that wasn't an electric fence."

[WhamBam]

A meek bookkeeper had been moping around all week, and the boss wanted to know what was wrong. "It's my wife." he replied. "She's fooling around with other men."

"Well... I can understand your mood then." said the boss. "I wouldn't like that one damn bit either."

"No, no." said the bookkeeper. "It's not that. I just can't sleep with 2 other people in our small bed."

[tankie]

Woolworths worldwide are selling off their Teddy bears at half price !

Apparently , they are not allowed to make a prophet out of a Teddy

[WhamBam]

Quick thinking .

[tankie]

A convoy was going down a road in Basra when they came upon an al Qaeda soldier in a ditch badly injured and unconscious in a ditch , nearby was a Brit soldier who was also injured but conscious ? the medic of the convoy asked him what had happened ? the Brit said , well i was going up the road heavily armed , and i saw the Al Q guy coming the other way , we both jumped into the ditch for cover , and i yelled at him to surrender , he said up yours , i yelled back surrender , even with this new govt your country is still f#cked ? he yelled back yea , and so is yours ,


we were both stood there shaking hands when a Yank truck hit us .

[tankie]

Shaun was on the fone to the hospital saying , quick send an ambulance , my woif is having a baby , Ok says the intern , tell me , is this her 1st baby , No says Paddy , its me , her husband Shaun speaking ?

Paddy was in court in USA and the lawyer asked him Paddy ? why is it that Irishmen always answer a question with a question ?
Who told you that says Paddy ?

The chemist asked Shamus if the mud pack he had sold him had improved his wifes appearance ? it sure did he says , but it keeps falling off

Did you hear about the 2 newly wed Irish couple , they sat up all night waiting for their sexual relations to arrive

[WhamBam]

The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner.

The old man was rather irritated when he discovered none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.

"You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."

"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?"

"Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"

[Desdemona]

Post.... 762

How rude!

[Southie]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint
Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells.

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......*

[WhamBam]

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"