Post Your jokes here

[Parihaka]

Freddie

[Mobbme]

"Don't piss in my pocket and tell me its raining"

[WhamBam]

Not exactly a joke, but here goes....

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but your waiter may know!

YOUR AGE BY DINNER & RESTAURANT MATH This is pretty neat. DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!It takes less than a minute .Work this out as you read ...Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've workedit out!

This is not one of those waste of time things, it'sfun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week thatyou would like to go out to eat. (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add1757 ...If you haven't, add 1756.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you wereborn.

You should have a three digit number The first digit of this was your original number (I.e., how! Many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.) The next two numbers are YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

[furkensturker]

Originally Posted by Julie

And he's a politician? Geez.

Um, you are aware he's not a Politician?

Although, if he, John Clarke, were to be our PM, Australia would be a very different place. New Zealand would would become two extra states of Australia,
The national game would be Farnarkeling and Dave Sorenson would be Governor General
MR JOHN CLARKE

TheGrandstand - Farnarkling

At least we would know what was happening in the country.

He is Australian, well, almost, but we claim his as one of us, same as Russle Crowe, when he's behaving him self, the Finn brothers, and the list goes on.

[furkensturker]

Originally Posted by Parihaka

Freddie

Aahhh yes, the two most popular modes of transport in New Zealand, well they were when I was there in 81, Cars from the 30s to mid sixty's, even cars with suicide doors, mainly pomey imports, and Choppers.

It's handy to note that New Zealand choppers and their pilots have the worlds worst safety record per capita, but then again, they have the most choppers per capita too.

Friddie (not from unzud)

[Parihaka]

Originally Posted by furkensturker

Aahhh yes, the two most popular modes of transport in New Zealand, well they were when I was there in 81, Cars from the 30s to mid sixty's, even cars with suicide doors, mainly pomey imports, and Choppers.

It's handy to note that New Zealand choppers and their pilots have the worlds worst safety record per capita, but then again, they have the most choppers per capita too.

Friddie (not from unzud)

The mighty MkIII Zephyrs & Zodiacs. My dad was the proud owner of a MkIII Zodiac and being a mechanic was naturally inclined to tinker with it. 127mph as measured by me in the passenger seat with a stopwatch
As for the lesser English land-crabs, nuff said, we've moved on to cheap Japanese imports.

The choppers of course are for deer recovery and going for burgers on a Friday night, the deer recovery involving lots of low flying over ridge-lines, hence the poor safety record.

[Parihaka]

Originally Posted by furkensturker

Um, you are aware he's not a Politician?

This is the brilliance of the man, when outsiders can't even tell him from the real thing

[furkensturker]

Originally Posted by Parihaka

This is the brilliance of the man, when outsiders can't even tell him from the real thing

If anyone wants to see the master's efforts, look for a DVD called "the man who sued god". He wrote the telemovie, stars Billy Connerly, would have to be one of the funnies movies I have seen. Another one that he stated in was "Death in Brunswick", where he played the part of a grave digger who helped a mate dispose of the body of a man his mate works with. Crackajack was another one.

Also Parhaka, can you confirm that Murray Ball is no longer writing Footrot Flats books?

Please tell me it's not true, I have all his books and treasure them all. I was distraught when Horse died, but Dog is a Hero.

Freddie

[tankie]

A ghostly tale

One night in the middle of a fierce storm , an Irishman was trudging down the road and could hardly see 2 yards ahead , he was looking to see if he could see any lights where he could take salvation ? when all of a sudden he came across a motor car , which was empty , the lights were off , and the engine was not running , he stepped inside to take cover from the storm whean all of a sudden the car started to roll forward , there was a crve dead ahead and Shamus was to frightened to do anything , as the car started gathering pace , a hand came thro the the window and steered the car away from the curve , Shamus by now , scared sh1tless jumped out of the car and ran away , he came upon a wayside tavern and stumbled inside sobbing , the locals after listening to his tale and noticing he wasnt drunk and crying were in shock .

When suddenly the door burst open , and 2 guys dressed in black came in and pointed a finger at the sobbing man and one said to the other !!!











Look Paddy , theres that f#ckin idiot who jumped in our car when we were starting to push it .

[WhamBam]

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counsellor. First, the wife speaks to the counsellor alone. The counsellor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"
"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses To go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counsellor is amused, "Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his nose all the time!! Even in public!!"

"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counsellor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counsellor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counsellor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counsellor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counsellor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counsellor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."

"What did he say?"

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."

[Southie]

A family was at the dinner table. The son asked his father, "Dad, how many kinds of b00bs are there?"

The father surprised, said, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's they're like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they're like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiled and said, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's his 'willy' is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's it's like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

[tim52]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Little Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the f*ck away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."

[WhamBam]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.

My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

[glyn]

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.

Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every anniversary, and we went traveling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and..

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out?
You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!

Man 3: "I just saw my wife on roller-skates!"

[WhamBam]

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks her if she knows what her arse hole does when she has an orgasm.

"Sure." she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids."