Post Your jokes here

[vinayp]

Sorry if it has been posted before......i jus found this very funy..

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Don't U know, I sell tickets in black over here..



2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on
your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try
again.


3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?


4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter Stupid Question:- Is the
"Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We
occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after
years...
Stupid Question:-
Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's just
the money.



7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa
marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.


8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............ it was a piece of chalk and
now it's in flames!!!


11. You are fishing and a guy asks........ ......... ...
Stupid Question:- Are you fishing?
Answer:- No, I was just drowning worms.



12. You've been living in a colony from the same time as your neighbour
has been living. But suddenly one day your neighbour asks
you......... ....
Stupid Question:- Have you been living here all your life?
Answer:- I don't know.... I haven't died yet!

[Mobbme]

Originally Posted by vinayp

Sorry if it has been posted before......i jus found this very funy..

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Don't U know, I sell tickets in black over here..



2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on
your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try
again.


3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?


4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter Stupid Question:- Is the
"Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We
occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after
years...
Stupid Question:-
Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's just
the money.



7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa
marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.


8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............ it was a piece of chalk and
now it's in flames!!!


11. You are fishing and a guy asks........ ......... ...
Stupid Question:- Are you fishing?
Answer:- No, I was just drowning worms.



12. You've been living in a colony from the same time as your neighbour
has been living. But suddenly one day your neighbour asks
you......... ....
Stupid Question:- Have you been living here all your life?
Answer:- I don't know.... I haven't died yet!

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA

[glyn]

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they

got back, the bride immediately called her mother.



"Well", said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"



"Oh mama", she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So

romantic"......Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon

as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things

I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've

got

to take me home! PLEASE MAMA!"



"Sarah, Sarah", her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with

your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful?

WHAT 4-letter words?"



"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so

embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"



"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your

mother these horrible 4-letter words!"



Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust,

wash, iron, and cook..."



"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother

[cirrrocco]

A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?"

"I can't tell you," the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.

On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"

"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me," says the black man.

"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

"Fine, my name is Snow." the black man replies.

And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says," I knew you would make fun of it".

The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I got 10 inches of Snow every night in Jamaica!"

[cirrrocco]

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again--but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[cirrrocco]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

=========================

so all of the ancient ones here, make sure you do a status check and see if you remember ur wife's name :-p..

[cirrrocco]

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[glyn]

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It
means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the
rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but
gay- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate
touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think
about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over
here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy,
snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ
ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or ****.
Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a ***.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking
lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his
bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will
never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte
to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different
types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing
out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to
remember all of that crap. If you can pick out lavender or you know what a 'fressier' is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other
than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to
tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a
slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that
hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because
you are afraid of hurting their feelings, then you are definitely on the
verge on being a fudge packer.

[furkensturker]

The Australian Turret's syndrome association has come up with a new way for mute turret's sufferers to express themselves.

Not for the kiddies

http://www.priceless420.com/Pr111507...ysparklers.jpg

[Julie]

Originally Posted by glyn

It's heartwarming to be held in such esteem.

You are dear....if not, we wouldn't pick on you so much.

[glyn]

A 45 year old woman, Edith, had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon her recovery, Edith decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! The full package and since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital but, while crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an ambulance and killed.


Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"


God replied: "Blimey, Edith, I didn't recognise you !!"

[Julie]

LOL...that would be my luck.

[buddho]

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.




1. What do you put in a toaster?
















Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.















2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

















Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.












3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?













Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.











4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany ) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land " between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?




















Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.










5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and 5 people get on. In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?




















Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

[gunnut]

Originally Posted by buddho

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

My answer was "it didn't say."

The question only said "you" so technically I was correct.

[JAD_333]

Originally Posted by buddho

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.

I failed miserably. Buried the survivors...

You're young again if you can figure out where the hanky disappears to...

WARNING: FEMALE WAB'rs AND WAB'rs UNDER AGE OF 18 SHOULD NOT VIEW THIS PERFORMANCE.

http://users.skynet.be/pdauwe/ursula_martinez.wmv