Post Your jokes here

[sappersgt]

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[texasjohn]

Dear Diary,

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food
cake. The recipe said
beat
12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to
loan me some
extra
bowls.


Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said
serve without
dressing.
So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a
friend home for
supper




A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly
before steaming
the
rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath
anyway. I can't say it
improved the rice any.




Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe.
It said prepare
ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before
serving. Tom asked
me
why I was rolling around in the garden..




I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the
ingredients in a
bowl
and beat it. There must have been something wrong with
this recipe.
When I
got back, everything was the same as when I left.



Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to
dress
it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it,
and for some
reason Tom
keeps counting to ten.




Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast
but all I had was
hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put
the hamburger in
the
oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out
hamburger, much
to my
disappointment.




GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for
tomorrow to come so
I can
try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into
buying a bigger
oven, I
would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

[GAU-8]

Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of...
"You know you're a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is a vice on the work bench .
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

[speedlover1994]

I love 'em! I like 24 and 12.

[glyn]

An airline pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he is flying, and about flying when he is with a woman.



Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.



The only thing worse than a captain, who never flew as a co-pilot, is a co-pilot who once was a captain.



Hand flying an ILS in a gusty crosswind is easier than adjusting the shower controls in a layover hotel.



Most crew meals taste like warmed-over chicken because that's what it is.



Everything is accomplished through teamwork until something goes wrong....then one pilot gets the blame.



A good simulator ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.



Standard checklist practice requires pilots to read to each other procedures used every trip and recite from memory those needed once every five years.



A crew scheduler is the type who wakes his wife at midnight to carry out the trash, then sends her back out to let in the cat.



An FAA investigation is conducted by non-flying types who take six months to itemize the mistakes made by a crew that had six seconds to do something.

[BD1]

Paratrooper trainees are practising night jumps . Everybody jumps except one that objects with throaty voice : ´I had cold beers last night , now the throat is sore , I won´t jump!´
Since argument ends with no results instructor tries to muscle the trainee out of the airplane . After long struggle in the dark the trainee is still on board . Instructor calls one of the pilots to help him . All three scuffle for some time and finally the man flies out of airplane .
Instructor mops his forehead , spits and says : ´Well this was a tough fellow !´
´Yes he was , some sort of sportsman perhaps ?´ says the throaty voice from the dark

[brak]

If you have sex 365 times a year and you melted down all the condoms two make a tire, what would you call it? A fucken Goodyear!

[glyn]

A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks
her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.

A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while
neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine,and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize
that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud
silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said
that.

Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm
trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or
isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.


And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we
are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just
going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading
toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for
that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see .
..February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at
the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am
way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed
it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why
he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of
being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.
And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold
weather?
It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck,
and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I
feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.
That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight
to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a
perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care
about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain
because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn
warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their .... . .

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to
brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have.. Oh God, I feel so....." (She
breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really
know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.


(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries
to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks
might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves
a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.


Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he
opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply
involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never
heard of.

A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major
was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he
would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't
think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them,
and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In
painstaking detail,they will analyse everything she said and everything he
said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression,
and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe
months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting
bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of
his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:"Norm, did
Elaine ever own a horse?

[cirrrocco]

A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks...........

ore serving, frown, and say:"Norm, did
Elaine ever own a horse?

isnt that the truth!!Very nice

[glyn]

Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to

feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and

figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't

shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However,

since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam

didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what

had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of

Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --

there sat Bill!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he

said, ' What in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde

waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years

old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.

The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

[RustyBattleship]

Nude Beach:

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Tampa.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have ***** bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother:
"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and
the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[brak]

Funny!


This is gold i tell you

[gunnut]

Funny!


This is gold i tell you

Oldie but goodie.

Never seen it as a moving gif though.

[glyn]

A professor at the University of Kentucky
(Kentuckians can substitute another state if they feel aggrieved, picked on or unfairly singled out))was giving a lecture on the
super-natural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:

''How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

''Well, that's a good start.

Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have
seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the
professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiit!! From way back thar I thought you said.........

"Goats''

[Julie]

LMAO... ..Man, I get a chuckle every day I visit this thread. Kudos.