Post Your jokes here

[glyn]

Rabbie Burns Ode to the Terrorists


'Twas doon by the inch o' Abbots
Oor Johnny walked one day
When he saw a sicht that troubled him
Far more that he could say
A fanatic muslim b*stard
Wiz doin what he'd planned
And intae Glesca's
departure hall
A Cherokee he'd rammed.

A big Glaswegian polis
Came forward tae assist
He thocht "a wumman driver"
Or at least someone half-pissed
But to his shock nae drunken Jock
Emerged to grasp his hand
But a flamin Arab loony
Frae Al Qaeda's band

The mad Islamist nut-case
Had set hissel' on fire
And swung oot at the polis
GBH was his clear desire
Now that's no richt wur Johnny cried
And sallied tae the fray
A left hook and a heid butt
Required tae save the day.

Now listen up Bin Laden
Yir sort's nae wanted here
For imported English radicals
Us Scoatsman huv nae fear
Oor hame grown Glesca Asians
Will have nae bluidy truck
So tak yer worldwide jihad
An get yersel tae F***

[Malayali]

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer
and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she
came over and shouted at me,
"You should be hung!"
I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from
my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly
into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied,
"I am. That's why she cuts the grass.

[standoh]

GLYN,

WELL NO COMMENT!

[JAD_333]

Mr. Glyn, sir, dat wauz ah right fer pome. Yes it wauz.

[JAD_333]

FAMOUS LAST WORDS,

"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."
-- Dr. Lee DeForest, "Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television."

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
- - Admiral William Leahy , US Atomic Bomb Project

"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom."
-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers ." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us," -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
-- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible,"
-- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper," -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make,"
-- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out,"
-- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible," -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this,"
- - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads .

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy," -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." - - Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University , 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value," -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre , France .

"Everything that can be invented has been invented,"
-- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.

"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required." -- Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University

"I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself." -- the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
-- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse , 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon," -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

And last but not least...

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

[gunnut]

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981

He was correct. We went to the moon and back on 256k.

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make,"
-- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

Don't laugh, but I have never had these cookies and only vaguely recall hearing the name at all.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value," -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre , France .

*cough* insertfrenchjokehere *cough*

"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required." -- Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University

The solution sounds very simple and obvious. Don't use vacuum tube.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

Sure there is. WAB

[texasjohn]

How to Speak Redneck: A primer for everyone. Try understanding this:

A BILL C M ET BT DUX?

MR NOT DUX!

OSAR!

CM BD Is? CM WANGS?

LIB!!

MR DUX.

Translated:

Hey Bill, see 'em itty bitty ducks?

'Em are not ducks!

Oh, yes they are?

see 'em beady eyes? see 'em wings?

Hell, I'll be...!

'Em are ducks!

[glyn]

"HIGH FLIGHT"...with a CAA compliance advisory notice to pilots.


Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth (1),
And danced (2) the skies on laughter silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed (3) and joined the tumbling mirth (4)
Of sun-split clouds (5) and done a hundred things (6)
You have not dreamed of - Wheeled and soared and swung (7)
High in the sunlit silence (8). Hov'ring there (9) I've chased the shouting wind (10) along and flung (11) My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long delirious (12), burning blue I've topped the wind-swept heights (13) with easy grace,
Where never lark, or even eagle (14) flew;
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space (15),
Put out my hand (16), and touched the face of God.



NOTE:
1) Pilots must insure that all surly bonds have been slipped entirely before aircraft taxi or flight is attempted.
2) During periods of severe sky dancing, crew and passengers must keep seatbelts fastened. Crew should wear shoulder-belts as provided.
3) Sunward climbs must not exceed the maximum permitted aircraft ceiling.
4) Passenger aircraft are prohibited from joining the tumbling mirth.
5) Pilots flying through sun-split clouds under VFR conditions must comply with all applicable minimum clearances.
6) Do not perform these hundred things in front of CAA Flight Ops. Inspectors.
7) Wheeling, soaring, and swinging will not be attempted except in aircraft certified for such activities and within utility class weight and G limits.
8) Be advised that sunlit silence will occur only when a major engine malfunction has occurred.
9) "Hov'ring there" will constitute a highly reliable indicator that a flight emergency is imminent.
10) Forecasts of shouting winds are available from the local flight briefing unit. Encounters with unexpected shouting winds should be reported by pilots.
11) Pilots flinging eager craft through footless halls of air are reminded that they alone are responsible for maintaining separation from other eager craft.
12) Should any crewmember or passenger experience delirium while in the burning blue, report to your AME upon flight termination.

13) Windswept heights will be topped by a minimum of 1,000 feet to maintain VFR minimum separations.
14) Aircraft engine ingestion of, or impact with, larks or eagles should be reported to the CAA using the bird-strike form ref. # 005 BS, and the appropriate aircraft maintenance facility.
15) Aircraft operating in the high untresspassed sanctity of space must remain in IFR flight regardless of meteorological conditions and visibility.
16) Pilots and passengers are reminded that opening doors or windows in order to touch the face of God will result in loss of cabin pressure.

[Ray]

Three Holy Men and a Bear:

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette .
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and
to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt
to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and
has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says,
"I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to
read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with
me
and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled
him and Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The
bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and
confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm
and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone
oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I
went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took
HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another
and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and
BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a
lamb. "We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was
lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and
monitors running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape.

The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may
not have been the best way to start

[tankie]

[Southie]

Why do they call it PMS?









































Cause Mad Cow was already taken!!!

[taygone]

Stop me if you've heard this one.

Three generals and an admiral were in the Pentagon one day and somehow the subject of whose men were braver came up.

The Marine Corp General grabbed teh satelite phone called one of his field commanders and and yelled at. "Iddle ****** up the middle! I want that position taken down NOW!"
10 minutes later the satelite phone rings and a major relays to the General that they've lost about 60% of their men, but their objective was accomplished. The Marine General looks at his peers and smiles. "That's Bravery."

The Army General swivels his laptop and gets one of his Colonels on a live feed. "Colonel, I want that city before sunset."
The Colonel replies. "Sir, we're out numbered 3 to 1." to that the General responds. "Sunset Colonel."
Just before dusk the General receives an e-mail that the city has been taken, but most of it is in ruin with refugees everywhere and this campaign won't win their hears or minds leading to definite counter attacks but their are ready to drive them back. The Army General looks around. "Hear that definite counter attacks and their ready! That's f*@king bravery."

The Admiral stands up walks over to the ship to shore radio where some known enemy ships have been known to be. The Admiral gets the nearest armed ship in the area. "Captain, sink at least three ships." The Captain responds. "Three ships, Aye." Few hours later the Captain can barely be heard on the radio. "We've sunk two for sure, but the third is on fire and we can't access the damage due to the smoke. We're taking on water, we are able to make it to the nearest port. We'll make one more pass with our guns to make sure it's sunk sir." The Admiral looks as he might cry. "You hear that?! Those guys are taking on water and they're still going to make another pass just make the quota! That's mother flippin' BRAVERY!"

They all look at the Air Force General to see what he'll come up with. A daring daylight bombing. Kamikazze attack what? The Air Force General leans back in his chair. Cracks his knuckles. Points to some random Airman sitting at a terminal. Stands up and yells at the Airman. "Hey you! Get me a coffee now!" The Airman slowly swivels around as if the command was whispered to him and replies. "Get it yourself." and swivels back around.

The other three 0-10s look in disbelief and look at the Air Force General who calmly sits back down and leans back in his chair with a grin on his face and says. "Now that's courage."

[RustyBattleship]

STOP! I've heard it before.

Please stop.

STOP!

STOP!!!!

[glyn]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.


One is a good looking, older retired pilot in his sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.

Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired pilot and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old pilot replies, "Hell yes. No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way."

[Fungi]

Great Email Gag!

Have fun with it...

Subject: Mobile Phone GPS Tracking

This is unbelievable. You can track anyone via their cell phone by using the satellite GPS link that is built in to all new cell phones. Click on the link below, type in the cell number of a friend (or your spouse) and click "start search." The GPS location is linked to Google maps and you can zoom in on the exact location of the phone by clicking within the zone(s) indicated by the brackets.

This is scary technology!

Try out this mobile phone tracker. Track any connected mobile phone using a satellite map with coverage anywhere in the world!!!! Visit:
https://postealth.com/redirect.aspx?mobiletrack