Post Your jokes here

[YellowFever]

I thought Yello finished at least high school

Now, now...DoK......

[BD1]

ha, when i was in 11th grade, i used my friend, who was a police officer, to type me a interrogation orders for times i skipped school. when asked, i told it was murder investigation. my teacher had ROFLHAO moment, but i got away with it

[tankie]

Went round my mate's house to see he'd had a rain forest installed in his living room complete with snakes, monkeys and tree frogs.

I said:


"So, your Amazon order finally arrived.

[bigross86]

Went round my mate's house to see he'd had a rain forest installed in his living room complete with snakes, monkeys and tree frogs.

I said:


"So, your Amazon order finally arrived.

Go stand in the corner, you're being punished

[BD1]

what time do you get home?

[USSWisconsin]

If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE...

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months
ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To
make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a
single wire along the top of the fence.



Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made
for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it
7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have
in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew
for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire
and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right
hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside
down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front
side of my body. My ears curled down wards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs &
Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at
one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower
were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg
to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel
movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM
BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes
in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust
pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding
onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad
always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever
that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom
soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take
it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please
die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle
nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for
the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me
that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery
my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside
me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on
the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in
the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few
things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as
bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a
foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking
of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence,
I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple
check before I mow.

[Tarek Morgen]

Pulse rate: 81 per minute.

[Julie]

Now you know that post is no good without PITCHERS !!! Seriously....the tears from laughing are still streaming....way to go Whiskey, and thank you for sharing.

[tankie]

Wayne Rooneys dad said after his arrest for match fixing he will not make any comments until after Englands 1,,1 draw with Montenegro tonight

[tankie]

*IF YOU CAN READ THIS*







Then you're probably not using a Blackberry

[tankie]

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

FOR JULIE/SOUTHIE/DEBBS/SNAPPER


It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.


My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work


Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.


I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.


Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.


When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.


I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly, of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[tankie]

Even the Germans can laugh at this , humour at its best , classic


Four Candles/Fork 'Andles - YouTube

[tankie]

This morning on the motorway,
I looked over to my right and there was a
Woman

In a brand new VW !!

Doing 75Mph

With her
Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds !

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;
I dropped

My electric shaver,

Which knocked

The meat pie

Out of my other hand.

In all
The confusion of trying

To straighten out the car

Using my knees against
The steering wheel,

It knocked

My Mobile phone

Away from my ear

Which fell

Into the coffee

Between my legs,

Splashed,

And burned

Big bob and the twins,

Ruined the phone,

Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an

Important call.


Bloody Women drivers!!

[tankie]

Subject: Letter of thanks


This letter was sent to the Kirkcaldy High School Headmaster after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize, and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. .



Dear Kirkcaldy High School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Raith Care Home. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,


Isa.

[tankie]

I took the wife for one of those fish pedicures the other day

My word those piranhas dont muck about do they