Post Your jokes here

[tankie]

My underwear are taking Burger King to court.

Because they're the true home of the whopper.

[tankie]

My old granddad came to see me today, he said "listen son...I don't know if you can help, me and your nan have a bit of a problem...to be honest these days I'm struggling to maintain my wood"

"Grandad, its nothing to be embarrassed about" I replied sympathetically, "A lot of men as they get older have experienced some form of erectile dysfunction"...have you thought about seeing a doctor?"

"What the fcuk are you talking about " he replied....





"I was going to ask you to paint my fence

[tankie]

I was walking quickly through town, cursing to myself, when I was stopped by a Thai woman.

"Tourettes?" she asked.

"What?"

"Tourettes?" she asked again.

"Look", I replied, "Not that it's any of your freacking business, but I overlaid this morning, missed my bus and now I'm late for a job interview."

It was only after I watched her piss herself that I realised what she was actually asking

[Aussiegunner]

Did you hear what the lesbian vampire said to her girlfriend?

See you next month.

[tim52]

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions, and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...Sorry. I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.

Never mind.

[tim52]

I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.

I looked to see what she was cooking and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" I asked her.

She said "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

[tankie]

BLACK PANTIES

Maria had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Maria said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,

he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont ..


Their first night there, she undressed as he did,


there she stood nude, except for a pair of

black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night..

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties,

and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom .

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied,

"I Want to offer my deepest condolences

[tim52]

After a particularly hectic day at the office I came home and said to the wife, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.

”She said, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a fu*king Downs Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”

[USSWisconsin]

[tankie]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON
and is certain that he has a better education than any Jock cop. He decides
to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop
sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence
and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete
stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration, and you give me
the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the **** out of the
lawyer and says,

'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon ???

[bonehead]

SHTF Urban Survival Assault Vest - YouTube

[tankie]

Bill came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bill.'

Bill was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bill was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bill the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Bill.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming..

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Bill, wake up! You shit the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

[BD1]

.

[bigross86]

True story, two kids tried pulling that one over on one of my lecturers, even to go so far as printing up a confirmation letter from the Mossad. One problem, however: First of all they said they were working for Ministry of Defense instead of the organization the Mossad really works under (not to be mentioned for obvious reasons) and second of all, because due to the vagaries of the Hebrew language, they translated it as "Ministry of Security" instead of "Ministry of Defense"

Whoops...

[Doktor]

I thought Yello finished at least high school