Post Your jokes here

[tankie]

A touching Scottish Tale







The Pope comes to Glasgow and asks "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."


With that, wee Brendon got in line, and when it was his turn, the Pope asked, "My son, what do you want me to pray about for you?"


Wee Brendon replied, "Your Holiness, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."


The Pope put one finger of one hand in Brendon���s ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a great prayer for Brendon, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Pope removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Brendon, how is your hearing now?"





Wee Brendon answered, "Ah don't know. It's no' 'til next week.....

[Gun Grape]

How Men can Make a Woman Happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:


1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13.. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23.. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. Determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate


WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:


45 give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls


AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:


51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:


54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


How women can make men happy
1. Show up naked
2. Bring Alcohol

[Julie]

You left one out GG:

3. Make sammiches.

[tankie]

Simon went on stars in yer eyes in a wheelchair , Mathew kelly says , wot happened to you ? well simon says i was in a car crash with my uncle , he was killed and i had my legs amputated , they saved his legs and grafted em on to me and in 6 months i will walk again , fcuk me says kelly thats amazin , so tonight then who ya gonna be ,,...,,,,, he says

tonight Mathew , im gonna be ,




simon and halfuncle

[Gun Grape]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'


A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

[USSWisconsin]

Did Phillip fart?

..and he probably does all the time. What the heck, he's almost ninety,

and at that age you don't hold anything back even if you wanted to!

The really important question?


Did Philip Fart?


What do you think?

[tankie]

Deffo , he had been to the keebab shop night before .

[texasjohn]

Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security:


Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernia’s 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3

[tankie]

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I
have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious
comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man
for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies,
an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you
properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger
and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at
fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed
ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt
stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

[tankie]

Ever wondered Why pubic hair is curly?




Well , If it was straight, it would poke your eyes out

[tankie]

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped
in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the
parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and
forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the
parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you
bitch!"

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still
no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's
approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now,bitch,
or I'll give you a slap."

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown
out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards
the parrot turns to him and says,



"For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"

[random_reader]

Dumb Laws in Alabama. Crazy Alabama Laws. We have weird laws, strange laws, and just plain crazy laws!

Great website! It's hilarious though I admit some of these things are short on detail. It talks about the ridiculous laws lying around. Some of them are obviously very old, but still a good laugh.

[tankie]

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant and a perfect match was found in Argentina , the op was a great success .


My thanks go out to


Diego Marrow Donor

[tankie]

Kia Ora you fullahs (and gidday dingos)


Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a
Rugby match at the World Cup in England . At the station, the three
Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maori's buy just one
ticket between them...

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the Maori's

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats
but all three Maori's cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after
the game, they decide to copy the Maori's on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the Maori's don't buy a ticket at
all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Aussie.

"Watch and learn bro ," answers a Maori .

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Maori's cram into another nearby. The train
departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Maori's leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says,


"Ticket please."

[Albany Rifles]

Kia Ora you fullahs (and gidday dingos)


Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a
Rugby match at the World Cup in England . At the station, the three
Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maori's buy just one
ticket between them...

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the Maori's

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats
but all three Maori's cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after
the game, they decide to copy the Maori's on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the Maori's don't buy a ticket at
all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Aussie.

"Watch and learn bro ," answers a Maori .

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Maori's cram into another nearby. The train
departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Maori's leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says,


"Ticket please."

Tankie,

There must be one really long tunnel from Australia to England!