Post Your jokes here

[JAD_333]

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- Henny Youngman


I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
- Sam Kinison


There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
- James Holt McGavran


I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
- Patrick Murray


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it. 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Nash


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
- Anonymous


You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to!
- Henny Youngman


My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
- Anonymous

[glyn]

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.

Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said,

"Don't sell that cow."

[tankie]

A vampire bat arrived back at the roost with his face covered in blood ?
The other bats asked him where he got it , he said follow me i,ll show you , so off they flew , the bat said , see that tree over there , yes they said

YEA WELL,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I F###### DIDNT

[glyn]

Ponderings to think about............

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. If you don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense at all.

3. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

4. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

5. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

6. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

7. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

8. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

9. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

10. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

11. Think about this ... No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.

12. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

13. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

14. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

15. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)

16. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Merc than in a Skoda.

17. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

[tankie]

Paddy and his wife were in the house one night when next doors dog started barking in the garden ? this went on for hours untill paddy says , thats it ive had enough , and goes out to sort it , when he came back his wife said , i can still hear it ,





yea he says , i put it in our garden , lets see how they like it

[glyn]

Haircuts
The Difference Between Men and Women.......

Women's Version:

Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 2: Oh gosh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this style, I'm afraid.

Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts. It would look so cute I think. I was actually going to have one except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 2: Oh that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms! See how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.


Men's Version:

Man 1: Haircut?

Man 2: Yeah!

[crooks]

The amount of jokes about Irish people here is amazing!

Is it a Brit thing or what ?

[cirrrocco]

Dear Susan,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each
other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The
day you left, I
swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just
the wounded little
boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the
first one to make
contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come
crawling back to me. I
guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my
pride's cost me a lot
of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I
don't care about
looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first
move as long as
one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts
speak as loudly as our
hurt. And this is what my heart says...

"There's no one like you, Susan." I look for you in
the eyes and breasts
of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not
even close. Two
weeks ago, I met this girl at Ithaca Bar and brought
her home with me. I
don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the
depth of my
desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of
those perfect bodies
that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice
skating can give you. I
mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe
and an ass like a
tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat
on the couch
being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the
stuff we've made
important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What
does a perfect
body mean?

Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case,
yes. But you see
what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person?
Does she have a
better heart than my moderately attractive Susan? I
doubt it. And I'd
never really thought of that before. I Don't know,
maybe I'm just
growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of
throat yogurt, I
found myself thinking, "why do I feel so drained and
empty?" It wasn't
just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless
hunger, but
something else. Some feeling of loss. Why did it feel
so
incomplete? And then it hit me.

It didn't feel the same because you weren't there,
Susan, to watch. Do
you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without
you. Jesus, Susan,
I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do
just reminds me of
you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met in Upper
Side last year?
Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna.
She said she
figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around.
I didn't know what
she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a
few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're
banging away in
our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in
the sack. She's
giving me everything, you know like a real woman does
when she's not
hung up about her weight or her career and whether the
kids can hear us.
And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on
your grandmother's
old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we
straddle it, right, so we
can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it
makes me sad too.
'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Susan ever
put the mirror on
the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14
years, and we never
used it as a sex aid."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the
restraining order. I
mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a
pretty good head on
her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me
during this painful time.

She's given me lots of good counsel about you and
about women in
general. She’s pulling for us to get back together,
Susan, She really
is. So we're drinking in the ho ttub and talking about
happier times.
Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and
all I can do is
think of how much she looked like you when you were
18. And that just
about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's
really into the whole
anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many
times I pressured
you about trying it and how that probably fueled some
of the bitterness
between us.

But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting
inside your baby
sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
It's true, Susan.
In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could
start over? Just
wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think
we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me
know, otherwise, can
you let me know where the remote control is.

John

[speedlover1994]

A bunch of feminists are eating at a restaurant, and the waiter walks up to them and asks, "Is anything alright here?"

[glyn]

A man is dining in a restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
I am not going to tell you any more than that. Use your imagination!
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been just so incredibly perfect!
"You know" he said, "you are the perfect woman.
Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No" she replies. . . . " You just happened to catch my eye."

[tankie]

Dear Susan,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each
other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The
day you left, I
swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just
the wounded little
boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the
first one to make
contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come
crawling back to me. I
guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my
pride's cost me a lot
of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I
don't care about
looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first
move as long as
one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts
speak as loudly as our
hurt. And this is what my heart says...

"There's no one like you, Susan." I look for you in
the eyes and breasts
of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not
even close. Two
weeks ago, I met this girl at Ithaca Bar and brought
her home with me. I
don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the
depth of my
desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of
those perfect bodies
that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice
skating can give you. I
mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe
and an ass like a
tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat
on the couch
being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the
stuff we've made
important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What
does a perfect
body mean?

Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case,
yes. But you see
what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person?
Does she have a
better heart than my moderately attractive Susan? I
doubt it. And I'd
never really thought of that before. I Don't know,
maybe I'm just
growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of
throat yogurt, I
found myself thinking, "why do I feel so drained and
empty?" It wasn't
just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless
hunger, but
something else. Some feeling of loss. Why did it feel
so
incomplete? And then it hit me.

It didn't feel the same because you weren't there,
Susan, to watch. Do
you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without
you. Jesus, Susan,
I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do
just reminds me of
you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met in Upper
Side last year?
Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna.
She said she
figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around.
I didn't know what
she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a
few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're
banging away in
our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in
the sack. She's
giving me everything, you know like a real woman does
when she's not
hung up about her weight or her career and whether the
kids can hear us.
And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on
your grandmother's
old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we
straddle it, right, so we
can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it
makes me sad too.
'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Susan ever
put the mirror on
the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14
years, and we never
used it as a sex aid."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the
restraining order. I
mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a
pretty good head on
her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me
during this painful time.

She's given me lots of good counsel about you and
about women in
general. She’s pulling for us to get back together,
Susan, She really
is. So we're drinking in the ho ttub and talking about
happier times.
Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and
all I can do is
think of how much she looked like you when you were
18. And that just
about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's
really into the whole
anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many
times I pressured
you about trying it and how that probably fueled some
of the bitterness
between us.

But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting
inside your baby
sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
It's true, Susan.
In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could
start over? Just
wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think
we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me
know, otherwise, can
you let me know where the remote control is.

John

[glyn]

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one
house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to
his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took a business card and
wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the letter box.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
card had been returned.
Added to it was this cryptic message: "Genesis 3:10.

Reaching for his bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales
of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins: "Behold I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

Well, some of them........

[glyn]

For Those Who Are 50+

Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these".

[ashkon]

A man is down at the local markets one day and comes across this stall saying " Palm reading-$2 ". So he walks up to the stall and says to the lady sitting behind the counter "can you really tell what a persons like just by reading the palms of their hands?".
"Of course." replies the lady.
So the man pays her $2 and then gives her his right palm.
Five minutes later after studying the palm of his hand, the lady says "Yep i know all about you now...you're a wanker!

[ashkon]

Superman and Chuck Norris squared off for a fight one day, the loser had to wear his underwear outside of his clothes.