Post Your jokes here

[execrable]

You MUST complete this assignment (successfully) before you choose to have children...

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on your expensive sofa and curtains. Place a fish finger inside the couch between the cushions and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a deluxe box of Lego (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside if you can keep them inside without losing your temper you have passed this part of the test.

FEEDING TEST
Buy or get a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy Weetabix or other cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor, making sure some splashes (imagine projectile vomit here) over your office clothing.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 2 years. If you can look cheerful throughout this section, you have passed the test.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Sell your 2seat sports car and buy an estate car / station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a 50pence piece, stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheque to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

MUSIC TEST
On your expensive CD player and awesome speakers, play Britney Spears and Steps over and over again, very loud. Dance to it while looking happy. Take a good long look at your CD collection. You won't be hearing them for a long, long time. You might as well strap your favourite CD's to your shoes and spend a crazy afternoon "ice-skating" on them as this is inevitable too.

In the car, play Postman Pat and Silly Songs Collection (for 3 - 6 year olds, Early Learning Centre) tapes for four hours while driving down the M5. Whatever you do don't play what YOU want. Sing along to the music in a traffic jam.

When relaxing and playing your own CDs (rare), suddenly put on a cheapo cassette player in the room playing Aqua's Barbie Girl. Turn off your CD and walk out of the room. Move on to Mess Test II.

MESS TEST II
After spending two hours cleaning the house, put rags and old shoes in the hallway by the front door. Leave pieces of cloth on the stairs in a pleasing random fashion. Pick them all up and put them in a wooden box. Do the same thing everyday for ten years.

BOOK TEST
Spend at least fifty pounds on expensive picture books. Draw in them in indelible pen and leave them in the garden. Make sure it's raining. Smile and tut affectionately to your self.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers young Padiwan.

[sappersgt]

by execrable
TOY TEST
Obtain a deluxe box of Lego (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

LOL. So true! I complained to the wife that the house was veritable minefield with all the toys (and worse little toy parts) laying around the house. All she had to say was, "You were a Sapper, you should be able to deal with a little minefield, right?".

[gunnut]

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop
Liquor = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink liquor and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shi!t.

There's no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service.

[entropy]

Originally Posted by gunnut

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop
Liquor = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink liquor and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shi!t.

There's no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service.

Seriously, this was the reason that in the middle ages people would drink thin beer and similar beverages instead of water. The alcohol would kill water-borne diseases such as cholera.

[gunnut]

Originally Posted by entropy

Seriously, this was the reason that in the middle ages people would drink thin beer and similar beverages instead of water. The alcohol would kill water-borne diseases such as cholera.

And I try to carry on that tradition even today...

[glyn]

Four retired Navy Chief's are walking down the street window shopping. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Veterans Bar" over the doorway of an entry into an establishment that doesn't look all that well kept up. They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they could judge the 'book by it's cover'.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There seems to bea fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a martini. In short time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken not stirred and says, "That'll be 40 cents, please." The four Chiefs stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other - they can't believe their good luck. They pay the40 cents, finish their martinis and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please." They pay the 40 cents but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martini s as good as these for a dime a piece?"

The bartender replies, "No doubt you've noticed the decor in here. And the outside ain't nothin' to write home about. I don't waste money on that stuff. But, here's my story. I'm a retired Master Chief Boatswain's Mate and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man finished his martini and, gestured at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, those are retired Marines. They're waiting for happy hour."

[glyn]

Just try this. It is from an orthopaedic surgeon............
This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again
to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's pre-programmed
in your brain!


1. WITHOUT anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY) and
while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift
your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.!!!!!!!!!

I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

Send it to your friends to frustrate them too.

[The Black Ghost]

What does Jackie Chan put on his fries???? HUh?

SAWWLT!!!


...Wait, why's nobody laughing???

[texasjohn]

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning. And, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the breeze with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're A United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one.

[tankie]

A blond had heard that bathing in milk can make you young and byooootiful again , so she left a note for the milkman to leave her 25 gallons next day ?
when the milkman saw the note he knocked on her door to clarify the amount , when the blond answered he asked , do you mean 2. 5 gallons ?? no she said i mean 25 gallons so i can bathe in it and make myself beautiful again ?

ok he says ,do you want it pasturised

no no she says ,, just up to my t#ts , i can splash it in my eyes .

[Law80]

Originally Posted by T_igger_cs_30

Guys its to late try this...have put it in the jokes section because if we dont laugh we have nothing left..................enter a mobile/cell number, try a buddies...........but big brother is here follow the link


Mobile phone tracking

#####

BullSh*T !! I wanted to locate my GF...she's outdoor. Really funny.....

[Ray]

From a Management Course


*Lesson 1*

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 100 to
drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob . After a few seconds, Bob hands her 100 and
leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When
she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the 100 he owes me?"


Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time , you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure




*Lesson 2*

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling
the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.The nun said, "Father,
remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once
again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak."Arriving at the
convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest
rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."


Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss
a great opportunity




*Lesson 3*

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The
Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.
Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want
those two back in the office after lunch."


Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say




*Lesson 4*

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle
answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up




*Lesson 5 *

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating
some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night,
the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly
spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull-sh*tting might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there




*Lesson 6*

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze
and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow
came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all
warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the
sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly
dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut! *



This ends the 3-minute management course.

[soutie]

in a few months i am going to be an honoury grandfather one of the conditions is that i have to change diapers or nappies,if i can strip and LMG and put it back together again in 38 seconds blindfolded,i should be able to change a diaper

[Ray]

Originally Posted by soutie

in a few months i am going to be an honoury grandfather one of the conditions is that i have to change diapers or nappies,if i can strip and LMG and put it back together again in 38 seconds blindfolded,i should be able to change a diaper

I am an infantryman and also a grandfather.

I have qualified with time to spare in all TsOET (tests for handling weapons)

I recommend you think again!

[glyn]

Originally Posted by soutie

in a few months i am going to be an honoury grandfather one of the conditions is that i have to change diapers or nappies,if i can strip and LMG and put it back together again in 38 seconds blindfolded,i should be able to change a diaper

Well soldier, I strongly recommend that you don't try changing nappies whilst blindfolded!