Post Your jokes here

[Julie]

Originally Posted by tankie

How many male chauvanist pigs does it take to clean a ####house?


none

ITS A WOMANS JOB

Clap........Clap..........Clap.

[tankie]

Originally Posted by Julie

Clap........Clap..........Clap.

Thats what you catch from an uncleaned Hamburg toilet seat

[dave lukins]

Originally Posted by tankie

Thats what you catch from an uncleand Hamburg toilet seat

And Eric the Unclean should know,he's been to Hamburg on many an occasion

[tankie]

Originally Posted by dave lukins

And Eric the Unclean should know,he's been to Hamburg on many an occasion

I found Kiel was better tho, a much classier type that could outdrink/outfight the SAS , and crush a walnut twixt thighs

[glyn]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.


Her 9-year old son (named Simon) comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.


She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.


The little boy says, "Dark in here."


The man says, "Yes, it is."


Boy - "I have a football."


Man - "That's nice."


Boy - "Want to buy it?"


Man - "No, thanks."


Boy - "My dad's outside."


Man - "OK, how much?"


Boy - "£250"


In the next few weeks, it happens again and the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.


Boy - "Dark in here."


Man - "Yes, it is."


Boy - "I have football boots."


The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"


Boy - "£750"


Man - "Sold."


A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.


The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."


The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"


Boy -"£1,000."


The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."


They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.


The boy says, "Dark in here."


The priest says, "Don't start that sh!t again. You're in my cupboard now"

[standoh]

An old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

__________________________________________________ _______________

A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at Lakeside Mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his Father "What is this Father?". The Father responded "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.

The Father said to his son "Go get your Mother".



__________________________________________________ ______

A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having nightmares with you, and you'r not a good husband." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag."


__________________________________________________ ___________

[glyn]

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking
it up and watching the bubbles.
A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied,
"This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.
If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's
belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied,
"You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass
and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

[glyn]

Top 45 Oxymorons

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow 22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

[texasjohn]

Meaningful Hymns:

The Dentist's Hymn: > Crown Him with Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn: > There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor's Hymn: > The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn: > Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn: > There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn: > Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn: > Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn: > I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn: > Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn: > Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn: > Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn: > I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapist's Hymn: > He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn: > The Great Physician

For those who speed on the highway:
> 45mph - God Will Take Care of You
> 55mph - Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
> 65mph - Nearer My God To Thee
> 75mph - Nearer Still Nearer
> 85mph - This World Is Not My Home
> 95mph - Lord, I'm Coming Home
> Over 100mph - Precious Memories

[glyn]

The navigators get a mention in 'Abide with me' = Point me to the sky........

[speedlover1994]

Originally Posted by glyn

Top 45 Oxymorons

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow 22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

Ahhhh, wonderful sir!

I'm terribly pleased with this joke. Microsoft is pretty ugly. In a world without walls and fences, we would have no need for windows and gates.

[glyn]

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter Eskimo Pi.

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microScope

4. Time between slipping on a peel & hitting the ground = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram.

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yds at 1 nautical mile/hr = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 ft in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod

8. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurt

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing = 1 IV league

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

[standoh]

glyn

what can I say

[soutie]

a couple who have been married go back to the original resturante for their 40 th weeding anniversary,the husband
do u remember what we ate yes she replies ,do you remember what we did after we ate ,yes she replies,i feel kinda horny she says ,off they go behind the resturante and start doing the wild thing by the fence,in the mean time someone who overheard them talking decided to take a peek what he saw amazed him they where really going at it ,after doing the deed they staggered away from the fence back to the bar,he says to them i cannot believe afetr 40 years of marraige you can still do that ,neither did we 40 years ago that fence was not electrified

[glyn]

Originally Posted by standoh

glyn

what can I say

Oh, say nothing but don't forget to send the banknotes!